Chris France's Blog

Beach sex tsunami in Cornwall shock

February 15, 2011

tags: Cornwall, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Deanna Maclaren, English Book Centre, Le Temps Des Mets, Menage a trois, Moving To France, Scilly Islands, tsunami, Valbonne

Yesterday I went to a literary lunch at Le Temps Des Mets in Valbonne, organised by Lin Wolff at the English Book Centre in Valbonne, an event I felt compelled to attend as it was designed to improve one’s writing about sex in novels. I am sure that some of you will be surprised to discover that, as it stands at the moment, I am an unpublished author, and it crossed my mind that this may because of the dearth of sexual content in this column. Then, having re read the last few issues I realised that there is no dearth, so it must be the nature and quality of the content that is lacking.

I mean by being unpublished that no publisher has yet taken up the opportunity to publish my work, and hitherto I had thought that this can only be because I have not yet completed my first book but the realisation that I may not be including enough sex in my column was the only reason I decided to attend the Valentines Day Literary Lunch with a writer who was speaking on this very subject. And so ends the case for the defence.

In order to justify the expenses incurred in being present at the event to my accountant, it was very important that I was seen to get as much help as I could to become an author. Now, apart from detailing some minor bedroom skirmishes, and the proclivities of the English public school system, writing about sex has not been a major feature of this column, but it appears that I may be missing something. If I learned anything from this lunch and talk by Deanna Maclaran it was that sex sells.

The message had a cathartic effect on the audience, even persuading one attendee to make revelations about their own sex lives. So powerful were Deanna’s words and so affected was he by them that he was moved to reveal details of his own personal sexual experiences even before Deanna had spoken.

Obviously I have far too much taste and reserve to reveal exactly who it was who was so invigorated by the impending event, that he made public a previously unrevealed (and it appears long forgotten, certainly it seemed so by the reaction of the wife in question) romantic liaison on a beach in Cornwall, but Matt Frost from French Mortgage Express (pictured below) should be thanked for making the opening address and contributing the champagne for the reception, and also particularly for his remarkable and detailed description of a “minor tsunami on the beach”. I have no idea of what was the cause of this phenomenon he described – which may or may not have taken place in the Scilly Isles, but it appears that this is just the sort of thing I need to write if I am to become a successful and fulfilled writer. Frankly I will become fulfilled if I can make some money at it!

Matt Frost from French Mortgage Express (aka The Tsunami King) helpfully standing besides a suggestions board at the luncheon.

The champagne has dulled my recall of the exact nature of events or concepts that were outlined by a very successful authoress, but my notes indicate that mention was made of chickens, feathers, labradors and kinky sex although quite why I decided to buy an autographed copy of Menage a Trois, Deanna’s first novel, I cannot say. Perhaps it was something to do with a heckler (whose name I cannot mention but Howard Taylor may have some idea as to his identity) who was particularly keen to know where the labrador fitted in to one particular scenario, but as I say, my notes are muddled and there was champagne and err….what was I saying…?

Chris France
Buying a house in France, moving money? http://www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.riviera-home-finders.com
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Rent a private villa in Provence? http://www.cotedazurvillarentals.com
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? http://www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? http://www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? http://www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? http://www.myperfectvilla.com
Find A House in Cote d’Azur? http://www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com
Monthly Riviera News? http://www.rivieratimes.com
Local ex pat information resource? http://www.angloinfo.com
Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/
Website design? http://www.targetcms.com
Free advertising on line? http://www.thebusinesscardclub.com
Want to hire a big bike for a day? http://www.columbus-international.com
Motorbike tax service? http://www.mototaxi-sophia.fr
Best English book centre in Valbonne? http://www.englishbookcentre.com
Great French resource? http://www.survivefrance.com

Tripe on Yorkshire TV?

February 14, 2011

tags: Coronation Street, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, ferrets, Food & wine, Golf in Valbonne, Grande Bastide Golf Club, Living In France, Moving To France, Valbonne, Yorkshire, Yorkshire Pudding, Yorkshire TV

According to what I presume was a joke from gruff northerner, Dave Goddard, who was playing golf yesterday with the Landlubbers at Grande Bastide, he claims that he has at his house in Yorkshire, a satellite dish shaped like a Yorkshire pudding. The only problem is that he can only receive Yorkshire TV.

Le Grande Bastide Golf Course, looking up towards the old perched village of Opio.

Although it is possible that he was not serious (possible but not certain) it got me thinking about what kind of terrible programmes could be available if that were true. I suppose a Yorkshire version of Lassie would have to feature a whippet, and I guess cooking programmes would be fun, how about “a hundred things you can make with lard”? or “how to make your mushy peas greener” or even “Tripe Surprise” (the surprise being what exactly are the ingredients?). I suppose any recipe including faggots would be deemed politically incorrect in most places, but Yorkshire? I here seems to me to be a higher proportion than normal of homophobes in that bleak county.

I don’t know if reality TV would work either, the reality of life up there is too gritty to be entertaining, I can’t imagine “I’m a Yorkshireman, get me out of here” being too popular up there, and look at Coronation Street, that’s bad enough.

Sport would probably have to feature Yorkshire terriers flushing out rats, and of course the well-known practice of putting a ferret down your trousers would doubtless be a prime time draw. I guess they already have Emmerdale Farm but I reckon a programme on pigeons could also be a ratings winner.

the Regs or Landlubbers Golf gatherings always throw up enough new material for the whole week, but apart from the Yorkshire satellite scenario above, it was great to see our leader Dave the Fade back in the saddle, still looking for the perfect golf course, 18 dog leg rights, set in an ever decreasing spiral. Had he been in charge yesterday I am sure I would have been allowed to play with former Miss England, Pauline Bull, or the voluptuous Maria, as that nice lady decorator is away in Yorkshire (watching Yorkshire TV?) but stand-in commandant Malcolm George would have none of it, despite the offered bribe, and the nice weather I brought especially for the group.

Today is the Valentines Day sex lunch I which is not the way Lin Wolff from the English Book Centre would describe it, but a Literary Lunch with a writer prepared to divulge her secrets about how to write about sex in novels? How else would you describe it?

Later this week on Thursday evening, I will be required to attend the Riviera Business Club event at the Hotel Mercure in my capacity as fat controller of Currencies Direct for the area, where the theme will be social networking media. Tickets are still available for their website.

Finally my new Happy Mondays blog will be posted this morning

http://www.afa-international.com/

http://frenchriviera-properties.com/

Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Rent a private villa in Provence? http://www.cotedazurvillarentals.com
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? http://www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? http://www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? http://www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? http://www.myperfectvilla.com
Find A House in Cote d’Azur? http://www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com
Monthly Riviera News? http://www.rivieratimes.com
Local ex pat information resource? http://www.angloinfo.com
Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/
Website design? http://www.targetcms.com
Free advertising on line? http://www.thebusinesscardclub.com
Want to hire a big bike for a day? http://www.columbus-international.com
Motorbike tax service? http://www.mototaxi-sophia.fr
Best English book centre in Valbonne? http://www.englishbookcentre.com
Great French resource? http://www.survivefrance.com

Valentines Day Sex Advice?

February 13, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Cote D'Azur Villa Rentals, Currencies Direct, Ex Pats Golf, Golf in Valbonne, Living In France, Moving To France, Sunny France, tundra, Valbonne, Yorkshire

I was looking forward to telling that nice lady decorator that I was going to alone to a Valentine lunch to talk about sex tomorrow, but the only reaction was a palpable sense of relief, discernible even over the crackly phone signal from the frozen northern wastes of Yorkshire where she is currently “enjoying” a short trip.

She was very lucky, as there are only about 6 phones in Yorkshire, electricity is rare, the tundra at its most unforgiving. She took her mobile phone with her, just in case a telecommunications satellite went off course, and lo and behold, just like the guy adrift miles from anywhere, about 800 miles off the coast of Indonesia, a signal appeared on her phone for a full 2 minutes, just enough to fix her position and make a brief call to me. So now there is a small chance that she can call for help when she has had enough.

Relief is the operative word today, as yesterday was the first full recovery day after my recent skiing trip. The relief was from enforced alcohol consumption and public schoolboy innuendo revelations released by drunken revelation. My picture today is of one of those public schoolboys, Mark Gurdon with another item he coveted. This one is not a moose. You are going to have to read yesterdays to understand that one!

A couple of porkers

The public schoolboy theme has been taken up enthusiastically by 2 of my avid readers Moya and Josef, who clearly have more knowledge than I about the rituals of public school life. Indeed their discussion on Facebook became so diverse or do I mean perverse? that eventually they decided to call a halt in case I used some of the material they were discussing, so I would not want to disappoint them.

The expression “shirt lifters” was an underlying theme which, as a humble state school student I did not understand. All I knew when I was at school were shop lifters and none of them would have bothered to lift a shirt so I am at a loss, can someone enlighten me?

So after a day of rest and recuperation yesterday, not a drop of alcohol touched my lips, well until the evening obviously, I mean it was Saturday night, and only sad lonely people stay in, or in my case go out. I needed to check on The Queens Legs to ensure it was functioning correctly in my absence, and the La Kavanou for the same reason, and I am happy to say that all was in order. Except me of course, I was well out-of-order.

Today, the Landlubbers play 18 holes of golf at the Grande Bastide. This is of course work for me, both on a networking level for Currencies Direct who now have a number of happy clients in the group, but also in my continuing research for the golf holiday offering I am constructing in conjunction with tennis compatriot Greg Harris at Cote d’Azur Villas. I wonder if my accountant will notice if I put the cost of the round on both expense claims?

Mooning in Uranus?

February 12, 2011

tags: Currencies Direct, Ex Pats Golf, Food & wine, Harry Potter, Hogwarts, Limone, Living In France, Moving To France, Sunny France, Valbonne

I love astronomy. One of my cohorts at Limone had a fascinating (for him) application on his I-Pad that enabled him to point the infernal machine at the stars, and identify which star is which. He seemed less than impressed when I asked him which star sign he was and whether this application could help. I think he said something about mooning in Uranus, but you now these public schoolboys and their weird plum in the mouth accents, so I could have been mistaken.

Yesterday was the last day of skiing at Limone (another picture below) and after a last lunch at Arrucado we headed back to Valbonne, but not before that nice lady decorator had filled the car to the top with parmesan, wine, olive oil and what I think was dead fish, dried thankfully.

View from the terrace of our room at Arracudo on the slopes of Limone. Nor sure of the relevance of that cross though

One last mention of the Limone skiing trip. One of our party who shall remain nameless, but Mark Gurdon will know of whom I speak, continued his habit of buying inappropriate or terrible kitsch items whilst drunk, and this time it was a flat wooden ornament shaped like a moose, of which he was very proud and refused to allow it our of his sight all evening. He was asked at breakfast if he actually slept with the moose, but sadly this was overheard and the comment utterly misinterpreted by his beautiful wife Ashley.

And today, lo and behold that nice lady decorator has flown back to England. In an aeroplane of course, any suggestion that she may have used something out of Harry Potter or from Hogworts would be most unkind, although I know she is a dedicated quidditch fan. Actually, I feel sorry for her as she is going to Yorkshire. Most people when they want to punish themselves, test their resolve or find their inner selves, go to monasteries or meditate somewhere awful and walk on hot coals or the like, but she, to her credit, has chosen that most difficult of options, a week in the frozen north of Britain in February. You have to admire the fortitude even if one does not always follow the thought process. The sunny south of France to Halifax; nope, I don’t get it either.

Just one event may disturb my quiet week. There is a literary lunch at Le Temps des Mets in Valbonne on this coming Monday, Valentines day. Until I was an author, I would have avoided such events but now that I am putting the finishing touches to me book, I feel I should attend (if I am allowed). The subject? “How to write about sex in novels” with author Deanna Maclaren, but if you think this influenced me in any way you would be right. Tickets may still be available at The English Book Centre who have wisely inserted a Currencies Direct currency converter on their website in Valbonne or by email at englishbooks@wanadoo.fr

Its behind you….

February 11, 2011

tags: Currencies Direct, Food & wine, Limone, Living In France, Moving To France, Public schools, skiing at Limone, Sunny France

The underlying theme of the trip to the Italian Alps with a couple of public schoolboys and their wives kept resurfacing throughout. Clearly Mark and Paul have been, well, I would say damaged, they would probably maintain they have been enriched, by their various experiences at upper crust public schools. As a result they are very upbeat about it, indeed so jovial are they about some events, details of which emerged over the past few days, they could lead to a man less suspicious than I to the conclusion that they may have secretly enjoyed some of the “jolly japes” that seemed to be the hallmark of their schooling.

For instance, the Hammam at the hotel produced a rich theme of material that obviously reminded them of happier (?) days. It is often said that your schooldays are the best days of your life, but that is clearly balderdash, I would no sooner go back to being at school in down town Balham than I would willingly be subjected to brutal anal rape, and here I may have hit the nail on the head. (This reminds me of the story about the lead actor in a pantomime suffering a similar fate. To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.)

Some former pupils obviously have dear memories of their schooling, where rugged and demanding prefects in gowns were feared and admired in equal measure, where fagging had a very different meaning (I think) than it does today, and ritual sexual harassment was not unusual, and in some cases, perhaps many cases, welcomed.

So back to the Hammam. This steamy atmosphere thus created seemed to liberate something inside both of my dear public school educated friends and having been ritually debagged on the first night, for being an uneducated oik (harsh but fair), I was in trepidation of what might await me for the final evening. Suffice to say that I was told on several occasions that I had dropped articles on the floor during the hammam session, but if I did they are still there. Under no circumstances was I going to bend over in this heady (sic) atmosphere whilst flying commando, if you get my drift.

The most remote hotel I have ever stayed in

My picture today shows the location of the hotel. As you can see, it is remote, so remote that it can only be reached by ski or skidoo, and thus out of the earshot of anyone not staying in the hotel itself. Now I did not choose this establishment, which was very amiable and very good value, especially in the context of current exchange rates but surely there are more accessible places to stay? As you read this, are your suspicions aroused (should I use this word?) as much as mine are?

Bombardino contest results

February 10, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, Limone, Valbonne

One of our party out here in Limone is Ashley Gurdon, Nee Roberts. Her brother is renowned historian and author Andrew Roberts, much maligned in Private Eye if I am not mistaken. I believe that he was always keen to be a historian but felt there was not much future in it. She has enormous good taste not especially shown in the picture below having married her husband Mark who is depicted below in typical pose. However that renowned good taste was clearly absent when she decided to marry her husband, Mark. Frankly I cannot see the attraction but apparently beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, all I can suggest is that laser treatment is long overdue.

Mark Gurdon looking a lot better after winter in England

The weather has been sublime throughout, the Arrucado where we are staying if a wonderful boutique hotel and restaurant reachable only by skis or skidoo after the pistes have closed. So once you get there its a bit of a lock in, but to be locked in to their fabulous restaurant and great Italian wine list is far from hardship. The first night was enlivened by some Barolo and last night we partook of an Amerone from heaven, well Italy. I had never before succumbed to the delights of Italian wine other then barolo, but on this occasion I weakened.

Before that, yesterday was designated bombardino Wednesday. A bombardino is a coffee found in Italy (at least I found it a few years ago) made with a local liqueur called Vov and a whisky and often covered in a mountain of cream. They vary in quality, and so it was decided by that nice lady decorator to try a bombardino in each cafe on the mountain. A rating system based on 1 – 10 was quickly established and the final ratings were decided in the Hammam at the hotel before dinner. I have no idea of the result and I don’t believe any of our party did either, and neither were they in any state to care. I do remember that the public schoolboys amongst our party were in the element, enjoying a ritual de bagging of the only council house boy on the trip. I have now spent enough time in the presence of such chaps that I am resigned to their enjoyment of schoolboy ritual, and thank my maker that I had a normal enough up bringing without having to worry about the sexual proclivities of the prefects, the verger or any house-masters of dubious sexual intent.

Thankfully all I try to do is to rescue people from the clutches of their banks when moving foreign exchange by introducing them to the glory that is Currencies Direct so I am able to claim that throughout this short trip to the Alps, I have been working.

Lemoncello compulsory

February 9, 2011

tags: Barolo, Bombardino, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, Limone, Living In France, Moving To France, skiing at Limone, skiing in to Italy

Years ago, I wanted to I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income. When I first moved down to the cote d’Azur, when the euro was 1.50 to the pound, I managed to get a good job working for a swimming pool maintenance company, but in the end I found the work was just too draining, and then I found retirement, which was perfect, except I couldn’t afford it.

Spring snow is all around us, icy in the morning, with perfect skiing conditions around 11am, then too slushy in the afternoon for safety, so what can a man do at lunchtime when he sees conditions deteriorating? I think you may have guessed it, lunch is the operative word. I am lucky in that I have several like-minded people around me, most of whom are as cautious as I, wisely wary of slightly dangerous conditions after lunch, and not just due to the intake of lemoncello, the lemon based liqueur omnipresent here in Limone. In fact it should be called Limone Cello.

This is a bit of a nightmare, no restaurants in sight. Very different from Soho..

Limone is at its peak just as lunch commences. However lunch cannot normally be considered until each of the skiing party has imbibed at least one bombardino on the slopes during the morning, a heady concoction of coffee, cream and some obscure local liqueur (more obscure than lemon cello) the name of which escapes me, unless I find out what it is before this column posts, No backsliding is allowed, it is the law of France, (Chris France that is) even although we are in Italy.

Now I don’t want you chaps back in the UK to fret about us, or to consider that I might be having a good time. I am not. This is the same as work for me, a pernicious grind (better than being a staff member at Starbucks, I suppose), and at all times looking for the networking opportunity that might lead me to a new customer for Currencies Direct . Some will know that I would prefer to be back on the daily happy train and tube ride into Soho, despite the rain and having nowhere to sit, to enjoy a day of dealing with those fun rap artists who on occasions jocularly suggested that I should help with their pharmaceutical needs.

We are staying in a small private dwelling half way up the slopes that seems to be designed specifically to cut down on the apres ski activities normally at the heart of a skiing trip, as it takes a skidoo to take us to our accommodation and the mustachioed Italian who is in charge seems to have a less than ambivalent attitude to drunken foreign visitors, I wonder why? I have always found myself to be even more amusing than normal after taking on more than my share of Barolo, but somehow these foreigners don’t seem to understand our humour.

Another tough day of work completed, but am I downhearted? Find out tomorrow.

Moulin Rouge not a musical – shock

February 8, 2011

tags: Auberge Provencal, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, Limone, Living In France, Moving To France, Plascassier, Sunny France, Valbonne

Moulin Rouge is not a musical. So said that nice lady decorator over the weekend, and so convinced was she that she was correct that it took me to looking up reviews on-line. Was that enough to convince her? No, she thinks the reviews are wrong. Obviously it must be a film about red windmills then, I must be mistaken.

On one level it is enormously irritating to live with someone who is never wrong, at least in her own mind, but on another level there is great amusement to be had. She has never unconditionally accepted that she has been wrong about anything in her whole life, and on the rare occasions that she has been prepared to apologise, it has been grudgingly and with the word “but” added at the beginning of the apology by way of justification. The sheer single-minded dedication to an indefensible position leaves me in awe.

My picture today is another taken on the fantastic walk above the village of Cipieres on Sunday. You can still see snow in the shady parts, despite temperatures of 16 degrees in the sunny areas, and this was followed by a lunch of much higher standards than I had expected so far off the beaten track.

The hills above Cipieres in rural Provence

Yesterday I was a taxi service for the Gurdons who were arriving from London on their way with us and several others to Limone tomorrow for a spot of skiing, or networking as I shall be explaining to my accountant.

Limone is a ski station just over the border in Italy just over 2 hours drive away, or to put in perspective the average time to takes to drive around London’s M25 ring road. Although it is subjective, I believe that the drive over to Italy will be a tad more attractive than circling London on what is often the biggest car park in England. The village is pretty and has some alpine charm unlike Isola 2000 which is a carbuncle dumped on a great ski area.

There was talk of golf or tennis in the afternoon, but this was just talk and I was thus fully prepared to suffer a pre skiing steering committee lunch and so it came to pass as my taxi driving was rewarded with lunch at the Cafe Des Arcades in Valbonne.

Yesterday also saw the publication of my angloinfo blog Happy Mondays in which I am able to vent my spleen in a very satisfying fashion, as it the course of work you understand, promoting my activities with Currencies Direct.

By the time you are reading this, we will be well on our way up the mountain and by this afternoon on the slopes briefly before lunch in the alpine sunshine. Those of you spending 2 hours in the car commuting each day will be aware of just the kind of hardship we shall be experiencing.

Chris France
Buying a house in France, moving money? http://www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.riviera-home-finders.com
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Rent a private villa in Provence? http://www.cotedazurvillarentals.com
Best on-line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? http://www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? http://www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? http://www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? http://www.myperfectvilla.com
Find A House in Cote d’Azur? http://www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com
Monthly Riviera News? http://www.rivieratimes.com
Local ex pat information resource? http://www.angloinfo.com
Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/
Website design? http://www.targetcms.com
Free advertising on line? http://www.thebusinesscardclub.com
Want to hire a big bike for a day? http://www.columbus-international.com
Motorbike tax service? http://www.mototaxi-sophia.fr
Best English book centre in Valbonne? http://www.englishbookcentre.com

Banjo in new Korea?

February 7, 2011

tags: Cipieres, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, Gurdon, Les Ormeaux, Living In France, Moving To France, Valbonne

Sunday is a day if rest for most people, but I hardly know what rest is. Being away in Limone in Italy for some skiing from tomorrow until Thursday may seem like an idyllic existence to some, but consider the problems that are posed by being absent from the family home for a few days; children need to be at school, blogs have to be pre-written, my networking activities for Currencies Direct need to be martialed and lots of other things need to be organised, although I can’t think of them immediately. Anyway, because of the intensity of my planning abilities, that was all taken care of in about ten minutes.

I mention network activities, because that is exactly what they are, despite the serious misgivings of my accountant. Amongst those activities is playing golf. Not because I want to play golf you understand, but because it is work, as I am actively seeking customers by networking in this way and I am happy to say the results are good. Tennis, lunching, attending restaurants, walking (well this is stretching it a bit) are all bone fide business activities in my book, and my monthly expenses claim supports this. It is fair to say that my accountant has a different book from which he reads, and a healthy exchange of views occurs regularly without a successful conclusion ever being reached.

Then, with the weather back to its Cote d’Azur best, consideration was given yesterday to having the first barbecue of the season. This idea was inspired by friend Josef’s comment yesterday wondering what had happened to Banjo the bonkers bonehead of a cocker spaniel and asking if he had been barbecued. This seems to me a rather appealing idea but one I suspect that nice lady decorator may over rule. Oh to live in Korea.

Instead, we took off for the hills aiming at the ancient tucked away village of Cipieres, on the way up to Greoliere, north of Gurdon. We were in search of a walk followed by lunch which we found very successfully as my picture below shows with lunch taken at Les Ormeaux in the ancient square the village.

walking above Cipieres in the foothills of the southern Alps

Lunch outside in the ancient centre in shirt sleeves was sublime with my lapin mijote with mushrooms and a light mustard sauce being really good. Yes, I thought mijote was a rare and local Provencal herb, but it turns out to be a way of slow cooking the rabbit. What was even more rewarding was that Banjo, the despicable dog owned by that nice lady decorator got nothing of it, despite spending a full hour licking his lips in expectation. I often do the same in different circumstances but that’s another story.

Finally, I received a Facebook message from Lin Wolff, owner of the English Book Centre in Valbonne, finally succumbing to the power of this column and demanding to be represented here. She rightly praises the journalistic integrity that is illustrated by my refusal to mention my ulterior motives in respect of my work with Currencies Direct

Heavy I-rony

February 6, 2011

tags: angloinfo, Currencies Direct, Ex Pats Golf, Golf in Valbonne, Living In France, Moving To France, St Donat Golf Course, Valbonne

Several comments on Facebook about this column accuse me of irony, but as I have said before, this is work for women. Indeed I have recently invested in a new high-tech I-Ron for the nice lady decorator (who incidentally has now reverted to nice after yesterdays shambles).

Amongst those commenting have been old friend Moya and Angloinfo founding father Mike “croc” Hardacre (with a K). I wonder if Mike by any chance has ironic crocs?

He never wears anything else than crocs apparently, even in the bedroom department according to his lovely long-suffering wife Wandy, although the mental image of him naked except for his crocs is not something I wish to dwell upon. Suffice to say that these comments are often as amusing as they are untrue, in fact why not join me on Facebook? Then you will be able to comment on the comments. My Facebook page is cunningly entitled Chris France.

Todays picture was taken at yesterdays REGS event at the splendid St Donat golf course where once again my silver dancing golf shoes shimmied their way around this beautiful course in warm spring sunshine

The par three stroke index 1 at St Donat golf course. I have focussed on the water because that is where the majority of balls end up.

As is usual, a great deal of gossip emerges from these golf society days run by the REGS, the Riviera Ex Pats Golf Society. I was anxious to see Steve Weston as he is usually good value for a few sheep gags, but, as he was in charge of organising yesterdays event he deliberately ensured that he and I were drawn in some different groups that we would never meet. What he had not bargained for however, is that I was drawn to play with his wife, Nancy. Four hours around a golf course is too long to keep important facts battened down, and so it transpired that Nancy made the mistake of talking innocently about Birthday presents. Steve has apparently bought himself a new vacuum cleaner as a birthday present (?) but, according to his lovely wife, he is so attached to it, he takes it to bed. Now I am not a puritan but I am afraid to say that I can see nothing other than questionable activities that could involve a hoover in bed. At this stage Steve has not had a chance to answer my questions about this, or indeed to explain himself. I trust that an explanation will be forthcoming shortly…..

You will note that so far today, I have not mentioned Currencies Direct, and that is the way it will stay. I do so dislike the obvious plugs for services when reading something and am resolutely against allowing any such plugs of this nature in this column.

The tip, a meeting of minds

February 5, 2011

tags: Auberge St Donat, Currencies Direct, Living In France, Moving To France, Valbonne

With that nice lady decorator having one of her “I hate the world days”, I decided to busy myself with domestic chores like going to the tip. That is not where I normally hang out trying to get a game of tennis but that is what happened.

John Mundell, a comparatively new but very satisfied customer of Currencies Direct , was similarly occupied, and received a call whilst at said tip from one of his tennis 4 cancelling his game at 11.00am. As it was by now around 10.15, the chances of finding a fourth were slim. Now, because of that nice lady decorator’s volcanic bad temper, I was looking for an excuse to exit the house for the day, and what better way than a game of tennis in the sunshine followed by an extended lunch at Auberge St Donat? I can think of very little that surpasses that in my book, thus I accepted gratefully the invitation to play tennis, and eschew morning coffee at church (Cafe Latin)

The reason for her siesmic bad mood? Well, as far as I can remember, after I had refused the offer to go and see the film in Valbonne the night before last, I had a mild disagreement with her yesterday morning about how to deal with the small leak we have in our swimming pool, which ended up with me suggesting that discussion was irrelevant as she had clearly decided what the best course of action was to be.

Then, I made the cardinal error of opening the grated cheese packet at the wrong end, so obviously I was entirely to blame for the apoplectic bad tempered behaviour she exhibited and the disgraceful language that was aimed at not just me but at any member of the family stupid enough to be in bed at 8.30am, meaning my son James.

I know some of you will suspect that this is a flimsy excuse for breaking my vow of temperance for the week, but there is only so much a man can take. Plus when you add skiing on Tuesday – it is against the law of France to ski without at least one drink inside you – the several pints of Guinness last night and another alcoholic aberration on Wednesday, the whole week of alcohol avoidance was already in tatters, my considered conclusion was that it was better to regroup and to plan again for next week.

the menu at Auberge St Donay

My picture today is of the menu at the afore-mentioned Auberge; a fixed menu as you can see of paella, following a salad de chef, a dessert, coffee and a 1/4 of wine. As regulars, we understand that the wine ration is a fleeting concept, and in fact, wine is supplied until we are thereafter incapable. This represents very good value to us tennis sorts. But I hear you ask, what was the result of the tennis? In truth I do not recall, I do remember that I had a very convivial tennis match with some dear friends and that we subsequently had a very good lunch, that’s all.

Chinese dis orientation

February 4, 2011

tags: Currencies Direct, Dinsdale Piranha, fr2day, Greoliere les Neiges, Living In France, Monty Python, Moving To France, Valbonne

One thing I miss living down her occasionally is a chinese meal. It’s as though I need the monosodium glutamate otherwise I become disoriented.

At a meeting yesterday with fellow Currencies Direct cohorts, I found about a new service being offered locally to get around the ongoing problem of a lack of taxis. Someone has launched a motorbike taxi service from Sophia Antipolis. Now personally, I would not be able to put up with helmet hair, or at the very least the destruction of my immaculately coiffured barnet, but I imagine a large number of people might find this a very appealing prospect, being cheaper and quicker than a taxi. However when you get to my age speed is a thing of the past, if you get my drift.

And talking of speed, a clear reference to my skiing ability, (courtesy of the tenuous links department) my picture shows how quiet the ski station of Geroliere Le Neiges was earlier in the week when I transported my business activities some 20 miles as the crow flies to the north for the day. My regular readers will realise how dedicated I am to work, so a day off is simply not possible, even when apparently asleep I am working, but I find different working environments can stimulate the mind rather than being in the same place each day.

My alpine office. Difficult choice, a wet day in the office in England or here, hmmm...

This morning is of course church, at Cafe Latin where the great and the good of the Valbonne ex-patriot community tend to congregate on a Friday morning in order to consider what material to donate to me for the coming week. Not everyone who attends knows this of course and all sorts of salacious gossip is discussed, much of it far too libelous for consideration for this very balanced and considered column, which will have nothing to do with tittle-tattle unless it is of a particularly entertaining composition. Of course, many do not realise that they imparting subject matter, they only discover this afterwards, and then only if they have failed to pay the correct bribe to the writer ahead of the publication deadline. Some to not realise that this is the correct protocol. A similar scenario I suppose to the immortal words of the poor unfortunate who is being asked by an interviewer in Monty Python’s Dinsdale Piranha sketch what exactly he had done to have a table nailed to his head “I had transgressed the unwritten rule”. What exactly was that asked the interviewer, “He didn’t tell us that”.

That nice lady decorator sloped off to see a film in Valbonne last night, where they have English language original version films several times a month, but I refused to be drawn, well, I was drawn to the pub for a sharpener, obviously, so once more the stable door of good intentions was shut after the horse had bolted (its food) and thus the bathroom scales recalibration has become all the more pressing and depressing.

Starting pistol horror

February 3, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, fr2day, Limone, Living In France, Moving To France, NW 10, The secret Police, Valbonne

A story has just reached me of a Hungarian gypsy being shot in the head in Paris with a starting pistol. Police suspect that it is race related.

Ok, so it’s a joke I have adapted for this column, sometime it is hard to be original every day, so might say any day in my case, but as I have said before to copy one person is to plagiarise, to copy more than one is research.

I have received a comment via Facebook from tired old pal Michael Findlay of NW10 fame, possibly the most underrated band from the 1970’s, attacking me for being either unoriginal or uninspired. This has emanated from a man who now plays in a Police cover band. I rest my case. He was once a good original guitar player, I wonder what happened…

And talking of research, I spent Tuesday checking out Greioiere Les Neiges for suitable skiing and lunching arrangements, and whilst no establishment seemed to produced the culinary quality I would like to expect, I was able to partake of a cognac whilst overlooking the ski slopes as my picture today shows;

A cognac with coffee is a vital tool in keeping the skiing style focussed, at least in my opinion

Irksome work in the form of VAT and tax calculations so depressed me this morning that I was forced to sit outside in lovely spring sunshine to calm down for an hour. 17 degrees and sunny here, for those poor unfortunate readers stuck in the UK dreading the next depressing weather forecast, I think the shorts will soon be emerging from the cupboard, not to be confused with midgets. Actually, I don’t know where I am going with this one.

Last night, a dramatic return to the tennis court for the MOG’s (Moustachiod Old Gits), our last outing for a couple of weeks due to MOG senior having to go to London, and me being forced to go skiing in Limone next week for a couple of days. Magnificent, that is the only word for it, a magnificent victory against 2 rather younger opponents (that mean they had a slightly lower combined age than the us MOGs who have an impressive 115 years between us) If you were to venture the opinion that the wingco, aka MOG senior, does not look a day over 96 and that he was once again he was carried to victory by the younger part of the partnership. then you not be far wrong.

I have just checked the copy through, as is my want, despite what some of you think, and was astonished to find that I had failed to mention Currencies Direct and the wonderful exchange rates they can provide, but I decided you all needed a day off from the hard sell so I will not mention them today.

The nose has it

February 2, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, David Bailey, Greoliere les Neiges, Living In France, Moving To France, Riviera Radio, Sunday Times, Sunny France

Old pal Paul Kendall (aka Ken Poodle), with whom I am working on a sixties documentary, contends that my job is comparatively cushy when compared to, say, that of a bomb disposal officer, but he has no conception of how difficult it can be to maintain focus when surrounded by sea, sunshine, skiing, great food and beautiful scenery. There is a great deal to distract one so I would contend that if one is faced with a ticking bomb, then it would be quite easy to maintain your focus, thus there my case rests. It is clear for all to see that my job is harder.

On the way into Valbonne village, a view of Greoliere Les Neiges

And to emphasise my point, one of today’s photo’s above was taken on Monday morning on my walk into Valbonne. The snow laying in the hills is actually more startling than the picture shows and having heard that the local ski resorts have 30cms of fresh snow, it was almost inevitable that we would jump into the car yesterday morning and cruise up the hill for bit of skiing at Greoliere Les Neiges. Exactly the type of thing I was talking about earlier, distractions constantly testing ones resolve. Sadly I am usually found wanting in the resolve department.

I think it shows a major sense of artistic style now to show the picture from the ski station to counterpoint the picture above looking up towards it, so here we go; David Bailey eat your heart out.

The view from Greoliere Les Neiges down to the Mediterranean, can you see my house? no, nor can I

Even on the chair lifts, work never ceases for me. That bomb disposal expert can probably slope off for a coffee during the defusing process (would that be called a defacation break?), whereas I, in my role as fat controller for Currencies Direct in Cote d’Azur, do not have that luxury, if a client calls and you are on a ski lift, then you take that call in order to help that person with their foreign exchange needs.

I read in the Sunday Times last weekend that they have discovered that dogs may be able to discover cancer by the smell of someone faeces. Apparently the dog in question was 95% correct. This would surely be called a defacation process? I can think of one dog, Banjo, the intellectually challenged dog from hell, who could repay his debt to society, well, me anyway, by contributing something good to mankind, and frankly, spending the rest of his life smelling shit is more than he deserves, mainly because I am certain he would derive a great deal of pleasure from it.

One final note, I have been caught out. The joke about women being unable to multi task, ie, being unable to have sex with a headache was broadcast yesterday on Riviera Radio. That was from where it was lifted and I received a terse email from co breakfast presenter Rob Harrison outing me….It is good to know however, that they read this column in order to keep abreast of current events in Valbonne.

Riviera Woman airbrush shock

February 1, 2011

tags: Columbus, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Greoliere les Neiges, Moving To France, St Blaise, The Riviera Woman, Valbonne

A Corollary to the Law Of Sod is that when buttered toast falls to the floor, the amount of butter attached rises in direct co-relation to the value of the carpet that it falls on. This was true of the buttered toast yesterday morning, which managed to land on the one valuable (and rather small) mat that we have in the house, something we brought back from Marrakech a few years ago and so the day did not start well.

A little later I was “treated” to an early viewing of The Riviera Woman chatroom piece in which I managed narrowly to avoid the trap that was laid for me. Graham Trott, who after horsing about making videos for http://www.therivierawoman.com/index.php?module=chatroom&page=getLong&id=16, the latest of which features yours truly arguing that multi tasking does not exist. He has done sterling work and the editing has not overly favoured the “wimmin”. He has recently set up a new venture; The Business Card Club. There you can register your business card or website or whatever you want for a public profile for free. He is lucky I am being so generous as he has clearly airbrushed in a stomach I simply don’t have, into the piece but I guess without it such artistic licence toning down the overt charm I possess, I could expect a host of casting directors to be in hot pursuit. Perhaps that was what he was thinking, so he gets the benefit of the doubt..

I have come across a company locally offering the chance to hire big bikes like Ducatti’s on a daily basis. They are called Columbus International. Of course it helps that they are customers of Currencies Direct, so anyone who wants to promote a business around here need only to become a customer to receive free advertising in this daily missive. Estate agents, please take note.

My first picture today is another taken from the Festival St Blaise on Sunday, another sartorial triumph. I do hope Mr Humphries (if he is free) will take note

Not quite sure what is going on here, but I think Mr Humphries must have had some influence

The second picture is of that nice lady decorator appearing to take a nap in the madness of the festival, or perhaps she is ducking the silly string and confetti which arrived in profusion in my wine;

awake or asleep....whatever the conclusion I am now in trouble

As you can see it was a ribald affair but all that drinking and partying is now firmly behind me as I recommence the challenge to reinstate that whippet like stature that is my hallmark.

However, if it dawns bright and sunny this morning then we will take off for Greoliere Les Neiges and a little skiing, and certainly no lunch….well until later, or until my determination evaporates.

Chris France's Blog

Living between Valbonne and Arundel amongst the idle rich

Beach sex tsunami in Cornwall shock

Tripe on Yorkshire TV?

Valentines Day Sex Advice?

Mooning in Uranus?

Its behind you….

Bombardino contest results

Lemoncello compulsory

Moulin Rouge not a musical – shock

Banjo in new Korea?

Heavy I-rony

The tip, a meeting of minds

Chinese dis orientation

Starting pistol horror

The nose has it

Riviera Woman airbrush shock

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Living between Valbonne and Arundel amongst the idle rich

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