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Beach sex tsunami in Cornwall shock

February 15, 2011

Yesterday I went to a literary lunch at Le Temps Des Mets in Valbonne, organised by Lin Wolff at the English Book Centre in Valbonne, an event I felt compelled to attend as it was designed to improve one’s writing about sex in novels. I am sure that some of you will be surprised to discover that, as it stands at the moment, I am an unpublished author, and it crossed my mind that this may because of the dearth of sexual content in this column. Then, having re read the last few issues I realised that there is no dearth, so it must be the nature and quality of the content that is lacking.

I mean by being unpublished that no publisher has yet taken up the opportunity to publish my work, and hitherto I had thought that this can only be because I have not yet completed my first book but the realisation that I may not be including enough sex in my column was the only reason I decided to attend the Valentines Day Literary Lunch with a writer who was speaking on this very subject. And so ends the case for the defence.

In order to justify the expenses incurred in being present at the event to my accountant, it was very important that I was seen to get as much help as I could to become an author. Now, apart from detailing some minor bedroom skirmishes, and the proclivities of the English public school system, writing about sex has not been a major feature of this column, but it appears that I may be missing something. If I learned anything from this lunch and talk by Deanna Maclaran it was that sex sells.

The message had a cathartic effect on the audience, even persuading one attendee to make revelations about their own sex lives. So powerful were Deanna’s words and so affected was he by them that he was moved to reveal details of his own personal sexual experiences even before Deanna had spoken.

Obviously I have far too much taste and reserve to reveal exactly who it was who was so invigorated by the impending event, that he made public a previously unrevealed (and it appears long forgotten, certainly it seemed so by the reaction of the wife in question) romantic liaison on a beach in Cornwall, but Matt Frost from French Mortgage Express (pictured below) should be thanked for making the opening address and contributing the champagne for the reception, and also particularly for his remarkable and detailed description of a “minor tsunami on the beach”. I have no idea of what was the cause of this phenomenon he described – which may or may not have taken place in the Scilly Isles, but it appears that this is just the sort of thing I need to write if I am to become a successful and fulfilled writer. Frankly I will become fulfilled if I can make some money at it!

Matt Frost from French Mortgage Express (aka The Tsunami King) helpfully standing besides a suggestions board at the luncheon.

The champagne has dulled my recall of the exact nature of events or concepts that were outlined by a very successful authoress, but my notes indicate that mention was made of chickens, feathers, labradors and kinky sex although quite why I decided to buy an autographed copy of Menage a Trois, Deanna’s first novel, I cannot say. Perhaps it was something to do with a heckler (whose name I cannot mention but Howard Taylor may have some idea as to his identity) who was particularly keen to know where the labrador fitted in to one particular scenario, but as I say, my notes are muddled and there was champagne and err….what was I saying…?

Chris France
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One Comment leave one →
  1. February 15, 2011 11:28 am

    But you should consider that not all of Cote dAzur is as over-developed and as crowded as Cannes and Nice. In the village of Valbonne you will find the restful solitude that you may desire on your Cote dAzur holiday.


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