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Sex on the rafters?

March 14, 2014

The last of the three match series between England and West Indies was staged yesterday, after pigeons had once again featured in the build up. At the previous game on Tuesday, the management had kindly laid on some pigeon entertainment for the northern enclave in which we were seated, in the form of a copulating pair of our feathered friends. I had thought that Sex On The Rafters was a Caribbean cocktail, but in the pigeon sex show the tail part was missing, if you get my drift. Yesterday the influence of pigeon began with our removing their droppings from our allocate seats. It was noted that as the West Indies had shat all over England in this series, they had decided to rub our noses in it, especially in the Yorkshire enclave, where I was trapped as Yorkshireman Steve “trouble up t’mill” Jackson had bought the tickets. I guess it was the Caribbean take on a postcode lottery.

The cricket this time was much more exciting despite the gormless tactics of our opening bowler, Jade Dernbach, who only had to bowl the last ball somewhere near straight to win but could not manage it, being called wide and giving the home team another chance to steal a win from what should have been an impregnable position. It was even worse than the brainless bowling of Yorkshireman Tim Bresnan (dropped for this match) during the second game on Tuesday. The clue must be in the name. Jade for a man?

It was however a splendid experience, reminiscent of my previous visits to see cricket in Barbados, with the locals creating a carnival atmosphere which was great fun, but with the match over my thoughts turned to more serous matters, such as the opening of an account with Currencies Direct, and dinner.

Paynes Bay

Another fabulous Caribbean beach

John “Chuckle Brothers” Surtees had already excelled himself as pool boy, laundry maid and gardener, took over the barbecue and prepare some fantastic marlin steaks and flying fish, which I thought would go well with the a cheeky little guava wine I had purchased on a small market the weekend before, and although I did manage to drink the first glass, I was the only one with a strong enough stomach and it was quickly deemed too awful even to hide in a rum punch.

Today should be quieter, as long as the tree fellers at the villa next door do not return. It is not so much the noise made by their chain saws, it is more about the noise made by one Not So Nice Lady Decorator as she apparently pointed out to them quite loudly and forfully that they were making such a din and that she was unable to concentrate on her gin and tonic. It did however make a change from the power drills we had to endure the day before.

Things will hot up this evening as we are scheduled to celebrate the birthday of Steve “Trouble up t’mill Jackson by dining at the most exclusive restaurant in Barbados, The Cliff. If I tell you that the email confirmation says that if we don’t show up, they will charge 245 Barbados Dollars to my card (about £80) per person, you will have an idea of what we should expect. I suspect that it will be eyewateringly expensive, but let’s hope it is worth it. One does not enters ones 6th decade very often (even though he has conned us all because his actual birthday is still a few days away), so it should be special, and I have taken the liberty of giving him his first copy of Saga magazine, dedicated to people over 50. He did not show it, but I am certain he was joyous deep down.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Rev. Jeff permalink
    March 14, 2014 12:01 pm

    I’ve never met ‘Trouble’ but wish him a happy birthday and have a great celebration tonight.

    Well Chris, you’ve caused quite a palaver,
    ‘YOU’, drinking wine made from guava !!??
    It’s undrinkable stuff,
    And you a wine buff !!
    To be honest I thought you were suaver !!

    Like

    • March 14, 2014 1:20 pm

      Ouch!!

      Like

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