Duck hats off

After an early start, the coach took our team, the Nidderdale Taverners, up to the coastal town of Grange, (slightly less excitingly named than the venue for the first match  -Tea Tree Gully -) for the teams second match of the Golden Oldies cricket festival. Following the narrowest of victories in our first game against Australian opposition, fashioned from an utterly commanding position chiseled out the openers (of which I was one) which was nearly  frittered away by “Duck Hat” Sunderland, The victory was described by our leader, Sir Thomas Ingilby, as “the least convincing 7 wicket win he had ever witnessed” so we were looking for a more clear-cut and  convincing result.

This we managed with consummate ease although perhaps not in the way we intended, losing by the considerable margin of 85 runs with 7 overs to spare.

The night before we had ventured out into downtown Adelaide for a late supper at the Thai restaurant Mekong. I had been telling that Nice Lady Decorator, whose first visit to Australia this is, that we would see some kangaroos, and so we did. Four of them to be exact, or rather, four pieces of kangaroo  covered in satay sauce. She questioned whether these were four different animals but I told her not to not pick.

The game had started well, with our opponents from New Zealand under pressure from an attack which was precise and in charge, at least for the first 8 overs before the excitement of playing cricket in Australia was replaced  with the realisation that, with an average age of 58, and having royally abused body and soul with strong drink in copious quantities over the past few days, coupled with sunshine and temperatures in the 30’s centigrade, our far younger foe gradually dominated, scoring 185 in their 40 overs. During the match I was lucky enough to witness a piece of tactical acumen on a scale seldom witnessed by man, unless that man is “Duck Hat” Sunderland, when one of our bowlers set a 7/2 leg side field and promptly bowled 4 wides outside the off stump. For non-cricketing folk, this was about as sensible as putting King Herod in charge of a boys school. I cannot name the miscreant but fans of popular TV series Dr. Who and Emmerdale Farm who follow this daily column may be able to identify the culprit.

Talking of schools, after returning from the match, a group of team mates and camp followers retired to a bar overlooking the very pretty Torrens River for a post match beer. I must draw a discreet veil over part of subsequent proceedings as I would like to remain married to that Nice Lady Decorator, so I am unable, in these circumstances, to reveal who it was that, after a day of drinking in the sunshine, and caught up in the heady atmosphere of sunshine and Sauvignon, publicly asked Sir Thomas Ingilby some very impertinent questions about his life as a schoolboy at Eton and actually used the word “buggary” in one of her  questions. Desperate to head her off at the pass, so to speak, I changed the subject to the benefits of opening an account with Currencies Direct and suggested we have dinner whilst ensuring that she was separated from Sir Thomas by the widest possible margin. I would like to say that he “ducked” the question, but that was not the case as my picture today shows.

Sir Thomas Ingilby sporting tour headgear

Earlier, at the cricket, team member and senior judge, John Warford, to be known from now on in this column as “John Judge-mental, The Hanging Judge” announced that, rather than the traditional fines system imposed on team members for misdemeanours committed on tour, he would stage his own form of a committal hearing by staging a Teesside Crown (kangaroo) Court session on Saturday evening, ahead of the final festival dinner to deal with offenders. The search is now on for a black cap.

Chris France

@Valbonne_News