Opening match ends in duck hat award

As I mentioned yesterday, there are a number of characters on the cricket tour to Adelaide where I am at the moment who may loom large in the coming week, and will definitely attract the attention of the fines committee (from which I was sacked from my self-appointed position as chairman of the fines steering committee after the opening ceremony – pictured today -for being “too zealous”). Our leader, Sir Thomas Ingilby, has already donated 50 Australian dollars (about £35 at today’s Currencies Direct exchange rates) on account of fines he expects to incur.

The opening ceremony procession

Then there is Clem Chambers, possibly the least mobile man on two legs I have ever encountered and with a wrong opinion on everything.  He has already provided some comic relief by confusing the measurements for his team shirt to the extent that when wearing it, he looks like a balloon at maximum capacity. Add to this the media powerhouses that are myself and John “Chuckle Brothers”, the Hanging Judge John Warford, renowned thespian Fraser Hines, the actor renowned for his appearances in Dr. Who and Emmerdale Farm and the master of the one liner and you have an eclectic mix of English eccentrics ideally designed to wind up the Aussies.

Now to the cricket itself;  Our first opponents in the Golden Oldies cricket festival were an Australian team. The Australians natural bait are poms, colloquial slang for the English to come to the heat of Australia ill-prepared for the sun, a fitting description yesterday after we had taken to the cricket field in temperatures hovering in the low thirties. The resemblance to pomegranates of many of us after the match was there for all to see.

The Yandina Pioneers, a team from Brandenberg had made the 28 hour drive from north of Brisbane in order to take part and, being typically Australian they were of course delighted to lose to us, The Nidderdale Taverners, off the last ball in a 40 over contest. Quite how we managed to save our victory until the last ball, and indeed should not have won) was down to tactical ineptitude of the highest order, which resulted in Ian “Duck Hat” Sutherland, the perpetrator, being given the honour of wearing said hat until the next game on Wednesday. It is a quaint hat with fake orange duck beaks sticking out and is truly horrible, and is awarded by the Captain to anyone who scores 0 (a duck in cricketing parlance). Tradition dictates that he must wear it in public until the start of the next game and, as we have a trip out to the wine region in the Borassa valley, and Wolf Blass in particular today, he will suffer somewhat. When he protested that he did score the one run to win, it was decided that as he should have been caught off the last ball, then technically it was as close to a duck (scoring 0) as we had.

For non cricketers I apologise for this paragraph. I explained to him that  I had once played in a cricket match when we needed 170 runs to win with two balls to go and our last man at the crease. Simply not getting out would have meant a draw, however our no. 11 decided to dance down the wicket and hit the ball for 6, missed it and was stumped by a furlong.  I pointed out to him that, with the scores level and with two balls to go, it was clear what his duty should have been; to scamper a single and win the game. Instead, he blocked the penultimate ball and then attempted to hit a six of the last, when he should have been caught. Anyway, we won and he lost.

Chris France

@Valbonne_News