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Low tide Mark

February 8, 2014

If any of you could ever be bothered to look in the Oxford English Dictionary, you may know that there is a verb which means”to emit gas from ones anus”. In other words, it is now entirely respectable to fart in public. In pursuit of respectability, I have become an expert in this area and am proud of my achievements in this gaseous and underrated sport, or perhaps pastime might be more accurate,?

We had lunched well at the Crown Inn at Chiddingfold with Mr and Mrs Clipboard, that is the rather lovely Ashley and the rather less lovely Mark, and to a man (and a woman) we had decided on the lamb shank. Lamb often has the most peculiar gaseous effect on my bowels. I have this wonderful ability to be able to clear vast areas with just a single toot.

Over lunch, discussions were centred on Cuba. We have been lucky enough to spend 10 days in Havana, and the Clipboards were keen to garner some information before their first visit shortly. After the negotiation about how many and what marque (Mark or marque; did you see what I did there?) of cigar he should bring back for me, the usual reminiscences began. The wonderful Ashley talked us through an event that happened a few years ago at a restaurant in the south of France. Restaurants down there tend to be much more doggy friendly than in the UK, flouting all manner of silly health and safety rules that are rigorously enforced here. Ashley had a furry handbag and had placed it under the table during lunch. The waiter appeared a few moments later with a bowl of water, mistaking said handbag for one of those annoying silly little dogs that the French love so much. You know the sort of things, not enough meat for a decent sandwich.

Almost inevitably there was talk of the 5:2 diet. I say inevitable because contented Currencies Direct client Mr Clipboard has rather to many pages on his clipboard if you get my drift, and the gloriously slim Ashley is understandably concerned about living with a fat blob. The results of a (less than keen) adherence to it were plain to see as I now resemble a whippet compared to the shape I was when I left France in October. Mr Clipboard is less than enthusiastic about commencing such a regime and suggested that perhaps he should start on. 6:1. He said that a friend had tried it but it did not work, but when pressed about what happened, said he suspected that his friends interpretation of the diet was to have five drinks and then use two fingers down the throat to throw up.

outpouring at Elmer

The beach at Elmer Sands

Before lunch, we had ventured over to Elmer Sands to see what, if any, effect the recent storms had wreaked on the coastline and I have to say it was quite shocking with over 30 metres of land eroded in places, despite the huge mounds of rocks places below the low tide mark, presumably to impede the action of the sea.

Tonight we are scheduled to go to a Thai restaurant in Storrington early doors. I think it is called 13 Church Street, but I am not sure how we are going to find it. We are meeting up with old pal and mover and shaker in the fascinating works of dolls houses and teddy bears. He is the publisher of that must have publication Dolls House World and some monthly magazine about Teddy Bears. And he will be getting his customary hard time about not having a proper job.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 8, 2014 11:00 am

    If the dictionary includes a word,
    You can do it in public I’ve heard.
    This is one trend I’d buck,
    Coz it’s also got f==k
    Sha++ing and wan+ing and turd !!!

    Sounds like a dogger’s charter to me !

    Like

    • Betty Boop permalink
      February 8, 2014 11:26 am

      Ugh ! Words fail me — and a man of the cloth too ! You should go cleanse your mind, Rev., with purer thoughts on a higher plane. Go on a pilgrimage to somewhere holy or something ! REALLY !!!

      Like

      • February 8, 2014 12:47 pm

        Naughty Reverend…

        Like

      • February 8, 2014 1:01 pm

        Oh, don’t be such a prude, you daft bint ! Get into the REAL world and don’t be so naïve !!

        Like

    • February 8, 2014 12:45 pm

      Winnie will be gate you…

      Like

  2. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 8, 2014 12:10 pm

    I am suitably chastised Betty and can only apologise for such a coarse contribution. I am going to Kempton on Wednesday and that is something of a holy shrine to me for contemplation deep study.

    Like

    • February 8, 2014 12:46 pm

      I was right!

      Like

  3. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 8, 2014 12:11 pm

    Or even ‘and deep study’.

    Like

  4. Helen permalink
    February 8, 2014 4:50 pm

    Our Chrissy how he loves to fart
    Says Issy “ENOUGH !! don’t you start
    he lets off a blinder
    butt emissions still find her
    in the next aisle
    with their shopping cart

    a root te toot toot
    she can hear him
    there is no escape
    none at all
    he root & he toots
    & pollutes all the fruits
    on the front of the greengrocers stall

    NO more lamb No more beans
    you have had it
    cross them all off your list
    Issy cries
    Then they wander off home
    to digest Helens pome
    & declare that she tells porky pies !!

    Like

    • February 9, 2014 7:00 am

      Very good! Especially the first one

      http://www.valbonnenews.com

      >

      Like

  5. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 8, 2014 7:28 pm

    Well done Helen you’ve hit the nail on the head regarding old farty pants !!

    Like

  6. Helen permalink
    February 8, 2014 10:48 pm

    Thanks Rev.
    do you think this means trouble ? ????

    Like

  7. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 8, 2014 11:06 pm

    We can but hope !!

    Like

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