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Moustache envy

February 7, 2014

The skip is gone, and with it the smell. I had been referring to the family 4×4 as the skip for some years as it was always full of rubbish and smelled of dog. One particularly smelly dog. That Nice Lady Decorator now has a new car, or rather a slightly newer one. The smelly old 4×4 has been part exchanged for a shiny smart and soon to be smelly newer 4×4 which, once Banjo, that infernal hound owned by the Decorating operative gets to work on it, will swiftly and surely become Smelly Skip II. Actually that sounds a bit like a Hollywood blockbuster. The newer soon-to-be-smelly skip has a special plastic base in the back, designed to impede creeping odours of all kinds but she underestimates that aromatic hounds’ ability to make anything with which he comes into contact wreak almost overnight. I give it a week before it gets the first Fabrese treatment.

The Reverend Jeff, a leading limericist in the comments section of this column (dedicated to explaining all the benefits of opening an account with Currencies Direct for all your foreign exchange transfers) made a good (or a god?) point about yesterday’s missive in which I missed a good joke about the irony of drinking Doom Bar at a wake. I told him I would nick it and I have. More and more limericks are appearing daily and I don’t know what I have done to deserve it, but as long as the occasional contributor becomes a Currencies Direct client, I will be content.

After collecting the new transport, and battling through the interminable rain to and then from Guildford, we arrived home to a pile of chewed up cardboard. The disaster dog is getting worse. This time it was a cardboard centre from a toilet roll. Clearly, he had not been able to reach the rubbish bin, now conveniently placed on top of the cooker when we go out, in a so far successful attempt to keep the horrid hound out of it.

silly moustache

Mr Clipboard tries on a moustache and I think it suits him

Today to celebrate the fact that we have completed the two days of fasting called for on the 5:2 diet, we shall journey to Chiddingfold to lunch with a man who could really do with a 7:7 diet. Mr Clipboard will be accompanied by his much easier on the eye blonde bombshell of a wife, Ashley and lunch will be taken this time at The Crown Inn. I don’t know why we are not going to the Swan Inn as it was superb on the previous two occasions we had visited, but as you will know, these decisions are seldom left to the men.

I am intrigued by his clear moustache envy. He had previously shown himself jealous of my long beard by orchestrating its removal some two years ago by a coterie of public school types, in a restaurant accident in the south of France. I think it must be his almost complete lack of hair in the places he would want it, and a surfeit of hair in places where he certainly would not want it that drives him in. I am talking the back, the nose, the ears and in the backs of his hands as they drag along the gutter. I know he only reads this column when he thinks he will be in it, so as we are seeing him today I did not want to disappoint him.

Then it will be the weekend and who knows what trouble lies ahead. On a need to know basis, I do not apparently need to know. So I don’t know what I don’t know. What i do know is that Peachy Butterfields northern banter blog  for Onboard-Online has been published

Chris France

16 Comments leave one →
  1. February 7, 2014 10:13 am

    He’s The Sussex Shandy-Swilling Sissy
    (To quote Peachy) whose lifestyle’s so pissy !
    His wrists are quite limp –
    He’s a girlie, a wimp
    And there’s no way he’s dating this missy !


  2. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 7, 2014 12:51 pm

    Mr. Clipboard’s come in for some flack,
    And Chris wants to get his own back,
    He has waited an age,
    Since that mustache outrage,
    To give Clipboard a back, crack and sack !!

    That’s me ‘waxing’ lyrical again !

    I like it Winnie, but I hadn’t realised you were quite so forceful !!


  3. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 7, 2014 1:18 pm

    I believe you…..honest !!

    Is Paddington waiting for his back, crack and sack?


    • Winnie l'Ourson permalink
      February 7, 2014 2:37 pm

      Funny you should ask — I was just thinking he’s beginning to look a bit scruffy !


  4. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 7, 2014 3:18 pm

    Sorry Winnie I meant Winnie not Paddington.Complete brainstorm I’m afraid. I’m obviously trying to be too clever and getting above my ‘station’.


    • February 7, 2014 3:55 pm

      That’s OK, Rev. Jeff. — it wouldn’t make even the most straight-laced Saint, Queen or King Cross (no, that doesn’t work well at all !) — Paddington’s just my cross I’d bear ! (oh dear, oh dear, what have you got me doing ?!)


  5. Helen permalink
    February 7, 2014 4:40 pm

    Winnie & the Rev. I am very impressed by your offerings today 🙂


  6. Helen permalink
    February 7, 2014 4:52 pm

    The ” French ” When they leave their Maison
    Must make sure that their stove is not on.
    Cos cooking their trash
    will soon turn it to ash
    & the rest of their house
    ln a flash !!


  7. February 7, 2014 4:55 pm

    I haven’t met Paddington yet, but following the Rev. Jeff’s mention of this dreaded and painful procedure, I’ve just got to pass on a piece of sound advice to the bear, wherever he may be :-

    NO ! Don’t have a “Back, Crack & Sack”, where
    You’ll end up a poor bear with no hair !
    You don’t know, but that’s bad –
    It’ll make Winnie sad :
    She can’t bear to behold a bare bear !!


  8. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 7, 2014 6:43 pm

    I’ve always loved that ‘cross eyed bear’ pun Winnie and great to see it ‘resurrected’…sorry !!!
    Very good Patrick…clever…and nice one Helen.

    The comments page is definitely getting more interesting than the blog. Sorry Chris !!


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