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That Nice Lady Decorator has her say

January 19, 2014

The in house entertainment at the hotel of the living dead took on a new dimension last night. Bingo. On previous evenings, we had managed to avoid tributes to the Bee Gees, Elvis (with comedy, do they know something we don’t?), Neil Diamond, and Abba, but last night took the biscuit with Bingo.

The hotel in which we are staying in Tenerife, called the Guayarmina Princess, must have the highest average age of any clientele in the world. I want the Guinness Book Of Hit Records to verify this. I am guessing the low 90’s. That means that bingo finds some resonance with the prisoners, amongst which we are numbered. It also means that there is limited benefit in trawling for new customers for Currencies Direct as they are all too old to understand the meaning of foreign exchange, too infirm to consider the benefits to them or unlikely to be customers for very long on account of most of them being dead very soon.

mobility is important

That Nice Lady Decorator hijacks a mobility scooter at the hotel

Clearly bingo is a cerebral pursuit, requiring an immense level of intellectual power, and the compere spent the evening walking around the audience announcing the numbers which appeared on the TV screen in the centre of the room. It is his job to make the horribly boring event a little more interesting and was clearly on the look out for interesting people with whom to interact. He went from person to person, asking them to announce the number that had just appeared in the screen, and having a little jocular interaction with then, well those that could hear or speak or either. He honed in on That Nice Lady Decorator just as that magic number, 69, appeared in the screen. Slightly less than innocently, using the microphone to broadcast to the enormous graveyard of crusties in the room, he asked her to announce the number. He said “what is the number?” “69” she intoned. “69” he said then “Do you play bingo?” He said. “No, she said, “69?, that was last night”. The microphone was swiftly removed from her grasp, and at least half a dozen of the audience reached for their pace makers.

It is fair to say that I am on the receiving end of a great deal of invective, none of it very complementary, about the hotel and it’s aged inhabitants. I have been trying to deflect these and respond with some positives, like, it is cheap, or it is sunny, or beautiful architecture (it isn’t) or great position by the sea, but I was always in a losing battle, and I take more hits the more the day goes in, and therefore the more alcohol that is consumed. The fact that she studiously ignored all the research that I did to choose the right place was dismissed by her who told me to book whatever I liked was like the evidence, studiously ignored.

Anyway, drinking our way to oblivion, being too exhausted by a 6 mile hike over to. Caletta and back, followed to some fine tapas at a beach restaurant, we got talking to a couple who had witnessed the “69” debacle earlier, but had also, it seemed, been in the audience of the bar on our first night when That Nice Lady Decorator had the glad eye for a pretty guitar playing piece of male eye candy ( I think it is fair to point out here that he did not have the same allure for me). Crucially, they had witnessed her amusing attempts to get the audience to involve themselves in some karaoke, despite it not being a karaoke bar, so they knew what to expect.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. January 19, 2014 10:09 am

    “I am on the receiving end of a great deal of invective, none of it very complementary …”

    Often, in French and English, we find we have the same or very similar words, except sometimes there are traps which we call “faux amis”, literally false friends. We have the same word INVECTIVE in French and I think it has the same meaning — but perhaps not (?) — my confusion lies in your suggestion, Chris, that INVECTIVE can sometimes be complementary; surely not ? Please explain for the betterment of my English education.

    And speaking of educating me, I am awaiting with impatience my education in cricket. This could be a very worthwhile additional topic for your blog, n’est-ce pas ?

    Like

    • January 19, 2014 2:54 pm

      Blimey, this all a bit too deep for me! I suppose invective is nearly always negative, but I will try to think of a positive example.

      As to cricket, my column is not long enough to explain the rules. It is deeply fascinating game, with do many nuances and physiological battles when it comes to Test cricket (which is played over 5 days). In its simple form it is about scoring more runs that the other team, but for aficionados it is much,much more

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

      Like

  2. Rev. Jeff. permalink
    January 19, 2014 12:40 pm

    Don’t worry Winnie, Chris frequently indulges in tautology but the rest of us try to ignore it.You should also note that he doesn’t know his complimentary from his complementary, but hey, it all adds to the fun of his daily missive.

    Though his grammar’s a hybrid topology,
    For this, Chris will make no apology,
    We all make the odd blunder,
    Like saying ‘pin number’
    But was the boy never taught-ology ?!!

    Just watched yet another England horror show in the dismal down debacle. Time for some radical changes.

    Like

    • January 19, 2014 2:00 pm

      Zut alors ! How can this be — two English people who are loose with their use of English ! Mon cher ami Rev. Jeff, once again we have the word TAUTOLOGY, which is nearly the same in my language, meaning repeating the SAME thing over again, twice (like that, almost !). But Chris says one thing and then contradicts it with another of the OPPOSITE meaning. This is not tautology, surely (?). He sometimes regards comments made in this section as “Harsh but fair” — how can this be ? Please to clarify for the benefit of unravelling my confusion !

      Like

  3. Rev. Jeff. permalink
    January 19, 2014 12:42 pm

    That should read the dismal down under debacle but I’m still in a state of disbelief !!

    Like

    • January 19, 2014 3:24 pm

      Not near a TV, tell me what happened?

      Like

      • January 19, 2014 4:33 pm

        I think Rev. Jeff is meaning the Australia/England third One Day International, where Australia (244 for 3) has beaten England (243 for 9) by seven wickets, with 10 overs remaining. That sounds like a drubbing, to use a good English phrase !!

        Like

      • January 19, 2014 4:36 pm

        Very good, a drubbing indeed… The one day internationals are different in that each side received a set number of deliveries. From what the Reverend said England maybe should have won except for some poor bowling

        Like

  4. Helen permalink
    January 19, 2014 3:58 pm

    Issy & her 69 ner
    she really shook up an old timer
    was it with Chris ?
    I hope it was this.
    & not the guitar playing , headliner …

    Like

    • January 19, 2014 4:59 pm

      Naughty, naughty Helen ! But ever so nice to hear from you again…

      Like

      • Helen permalink
        January 19, 2014 5:06 pm

        Thanks, howzaat.
        as my knowledge of cricket is nil …I had to take the lower road…hahaha

        Like

  5. Winnie l'Ourson permalink
    January 19, 2014 4:41 pm

    WHAT ?! Maybe England should have won ? I can’t imagine how 243 could ever in a month of Sundays have been enough runs against a strong, run-scoring team like Australia. Surely the minimum in such a one-day game would be 275 ?

    Like

  6. Winnie l'Ourson permalink
    January 19, 2014 5:01 pm

    Unless of course you have four Shane Warnes bowling for you… He-He-He !!

    Like

  7. Rev. Jeff. permalink
    January 19, 2014 6:05 pm

    Hi Helen lovely to hear from you. Are you still on holiday ?

    Winnie your English is impeccable so I would never take issue with you.Is Chris saying opposite things? As you correctly say invective is always uncomplimentary so surely he is saying the same thing twice. It’s the same as saying ‘ I am on the receiving end of a lot of uncomplimentary invective’ which is surely tautology. However I have never claimed to be a grammarian so I am more than happy to stand corrected.

    You are quite correct that England made too few runs and then bowled and fielded like a totally demoralized team. Interesting that Cook is questioning his future as captain as well.

    Like

    • WInnie permalink
      January 19, 2014 6:43 pm

      Yes, on reading that bit again, I see you are right and it is ME who must stand corrected ! Tautologie it is…

      So sorry the English cricketers are so demoralised. Some new blood is required — a bit like our Rugby team in France !

      Like

    • Helen Blackburn permalink
      January 19, 2014 9:09 pm

      Hi Rev. Yes I am still on holiday …woo hoo !!

      Like

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