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Wayne Sweep and the cobwebs

November 29, 2013

In need of a chimney sweep, That Nice Lady Decorator has secured the services of one Wayne Sweep. I wonder if he changed his name by deed poll? Also I want to ask him if his career choice was down to a the refusal to fight the inevitable association with his surname and became a chimney sweep. When he comes, dare I ask him if it is his real name? If I do, then can I expect the brush off? His nickname would have to be “sooty” n’est pas? After all, one cannot have sooty without a sweep, surely?

Last night then to the smoke. London in all its Christmas glory. Arriving at our hotel in the poorly named High Holborn, That Nice Lady Beer Drinking Person expressed the thought that she “was gagging for a beer”. It crossed my mind to say that did she not think she had partaken sufficiently the night before? when we had planned a quiet evening and an early night, but had instead seen the inside of 3 pubs and Arundel Jailhouse to see some live music, but somehow I did not fancy the risk.

The reason was to bear witness to the Farewell Tour of Barry Humphries, famed for his characters, the spittle spewing louche Sir Lez Patterson, mythical cultural attaché for Australia, with as much culture as a 6 week old yogurt, and Dame Edna Everage, the bizarrely bespectacled Australian socialite, if that is not a contradiction in terms. He was appearing at the London Palladium and we were lucky enough to secure two tickets. I say lucky because we were able to afford them, but only just. A little shy of £100 a ticket after booking fees and the like, but cheap compared with the Monty Python tickets for the 02 that I bought this week and that I may have to mortgage my house for, I was expecting something good. It was magnificent, review will follow tomorrow.

Arundel castle grounds

Banjo disobeying the signs as usual

Up and out of bed just after we had gone to sleep, the alarm call at 8am this morning was an utter insult to receive on a weekend, in fact any day when one is advancing on ones 7th decade, so it was with bleary eyes, a sore head and grumpy disposition that I found myself on a train from Victoria back to Arundel just after dawn. The reason for the early start us that Sprog 2 is coming for the weekend, no doubt to apologise for the continued and continuing assault on my American Express card (strictly for emergencies only… I do not consider a Macdonald’s as an emergency). Doubtless she will arrive, contrite and with money to repay me. Can you tell that I live in cloud cookoo land? The bank of mum and dad is fast running out of funds. Luckily I have some new customers for Currencies Direct which may help liquidity.

Talking of liquidity, I feel some more beer coming on today. This will be in celebration of the fact that the early start at least removed me from the scene of one of my worst nightmares; Christmas Shopping. Being in London at this time of year is dangerous for that very reason.

Then on Sunday, unless arrangements go awry, we shall have a little jaunt to Shoreham-On-Sea for lunch with the Mighty Omega, and a tour of the town with James “Desperate Dan” the landlord of The White Hart, and of the pubs he managed in the town from way back when. He will be on the look out for Harvey’s, whilst I shall be hoping for some London Pride.

Chris France

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Winnie l'Ourson permalink
    November 30, 2013 11:44 am

    The chimney sweep has cleaned Chris’s flue !
    That’s a chore which is dirty to do !
    He’s all covered in soot*
    From his head to his foot.
    It’s a job I’d refuse – wouldn’t you ?


  2. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 30, 2013 4:35 pm

    Very good Winnie and you almost kept it clean !

    Clean Chris’s flue ? Well you see,
    It’s not all it’s ‘cracked’ up to be,
    You ask if I’d sweep it ?
    No thanks you can keep it !
    ‘Fundamentally’ , too grim for me !!


    • Winnie permalink
      November 30, 2013 4:55 pm

      VERY good, Rev.! A pun on nearly every line — had me in stitches !!


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