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Smirnoff Ice one of your 5 a day?

November 22, 2013

I have an old note on my phone that says That Nice Lady Decorator thinks a lemon flavor Smirnoff Ice is a fruit juice, and therefore one of her five a day, but even a fruit juice is too calorific for consumption on a 5:2 diet day such as yesterday. 80 calories for a decent glass of something fruity is a luxury too far when under orders.

So those that have not been with me in this column over the past few days (where have you been?) will know that yesterday was the second diet day of the last three. I have been discussing the integrity of the bathroom scales, which has risen a small amount over the past couple of weeks, from outright perjury through to dishonest and now merely to disingenuous. Looking at my physique it is almost impossible for me to identify an area that is not highly toned, and not “as fat as you can get without splitting your skin” as I have heard from the mouth of one well-known decorating operative. But by the time you read this it will be all over for another week, and I shall be free to over indulge in all the things I love, well, food and drink in any event until Monday at the earliest.

sussex cow

Look! food!

My malnutrition has been exacerbated with the Ashes test being staged in Brisbane at the moment, where England has made such a great start, and my resultant nocturnal habit. One simply cannot resist staying up (until 4 in the morning the evening before) even to see England grovel, but that has the effect of magnifying the effects of the diet. Without the greatest cricketing spectacle in the world taking place, I would at least be able to seek solace and relief from the hunger pangs, by way of sleep. Being awake, means more time to think about the privations.

But on to happier things. Beer, food and wine. I am expecting to partake of all three to the point of collapse over the weekend, which starts today. I think lunch would be an obvious start, but That Nice Lady Decorator does not do obvious. If I have my way, we shall find a pub, and have a bit end a pint.

Saturday I know we have a plan. It is to go to London to commune with the great man himself, John Otway, who has sensibly become a Currencies Direct customer recently, who is introducing his film, Otway The Movie, now eligible for a BAFTA, at a sold out cinema in Piccadilly. He phoned yesterday to finalise the arrangements, and good though the film is, I have already seen it 4 times, so I suggested that if he had need of our tickets for guests or press, we would be content to give them up and instead go out in London. I had forgotten that he has also seen the film a few times (try around 50) and jokingly said he might join us. At least I think he was joking. That reminds me that I must book a hotel that has Sky Sports. One cannot allow those Auzzies to get on top, which could happen if I don’t keep watching.

Next week looks like the calm before the storm of Christmas gets underway. The Reverend Jeff knows that I love Christmas except for all that religious mumbo jumbo. Why can’t we have Christmas without all that religious claptrap? Anyway, one more week or so of November weather and the festering season will be upon us and all that good work on my shape will be undone.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. Patrick permalink
    November 22, 2013 9:47 am

    Do you want your cow shifting double quick ?
    Get a cattle prod; that does the trick !
    Choose the kind with a buzz –
    It’s electric – becuzz,
    If it’s not, all you’ve got is a stick !

    Like

    • November 22, 2013 9:48 am

      Eek!

      Like

  2. howzaaat permalink
    November 22, 2013 10:20 am

    Re your photo “Look! Food!”

    Well, hurrah for the captive bolt gun !
    Food on t’hoof it’s intending to stun.
    Then a slaughterer cuts it
    And drains it and guts it.
    Indulge ! — don’t let ME spoil your fun.

    Like

    • November 22, 2013 2:13 pm

      what about the vegetarians that read this? don’t care? No, nor do I

      Like

  3. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 22, 2013 2:01 pm

    Hard acts to follow today lads even if you have put me off my sausage and chips Howzaaat !! With last nights events in the first test in mind……

    My 5-0 prediction in tatters,
    I’m blaming those cr!xP English batters !
    With three days to go,
    What a pitiful show,
    Still I guess it’s the series that matters .

    I’m now predicting 4-1 but that is subject to change over the next few weeks !!

    Like

    • November 22, 2013 2:08 pm

      Sorry about your sausage and chips, Rev. You were not the intended target — I was aiming at ‘IM, so as to ‘elp wiv ‘is ‘hunger pangs, as you might say !

      Liked your limerick (LYL) very much, but don’t give up on this first test yet — there’s still a second innings and I’ve seen England turn worse situations than this around…

      Like

      • November 22, 2013 2:12 pm

        Not least in Brisbane last time out. I have a photo of when our innings reached 500 – 1 when I was there! so live in (almost forlorn) hope…

        Like

    • November 22, 2013 2:13 pm

      Its not all over yet, we always start badly in the first innings of the first test of the series…

      Like

  4. howzaaat permalink
    November 22, 2013 2:14 pm

    Sorry about your sausage and chips, Rev — you were not the intended target; I was aiming at ‘IM, so as to ‘help wiv ‘is ‘unger pangs, as yer might say !

    Liked your limerick (LYL) very much, but don’t give up on this first test yet — there’s still the second innings and I have seen England turn worse situations around than this before now !

    Like

  5. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 22, 2013 3:15 pm

    Well done lads your optimism has cheered me up no end. I do get the feeling that the Aussies are really up for this series though so England will need to muster all their fighting spirit.

    Like

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