Chris France's Blog

Sun Blog

January 16, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Earls court, Ken Poodle, Living In France, Moving To France, The France Show

The large brandy in the bar at 1am was a bad idea. No, worse than that, it was the final bad idea in a whole string of bad ideas. The only good news about it is that it was the last bad idea of the evening. As always, bad ideas seem like very good ideas at the time, why is that? Why is it that a spiffing idea takes on a less than rose hue in the morning or is that mourning?

I had considered featuring a photo taken in London today, but the weather has been so typically unremittingly gloomy, a fact that does not surprise me, that instead I show another picture of the Brague river, taken a few days ago which has some shine it!

The sun dancing on the spray dashed rocks of The Brague last week

The Troubadour, a pub/ restaurant close to Earls Court was, I think, the venue for one of those bad ideas, or more especially the red wine. Not the type of wine you understand, or indeed the colour, the problem was more with the quantity. It seems that Currencies Direct delegates, when they congregate, tend to have in equal measure an exponential and detrimental , effect on their compatriots ability to drink.

Why is it, that when you have to get up in the morning, in this case to help out on the stand at The France Show in Earls Court, the more one is tempted into activities on the night before that are not conducive to that getting up?.

Archie Robertson, one such delegate who is, as his name suggests is from the frozen wasteland north of the English border is the main culprit for these seemingly good ideas. He claims to have had malaria at some stage, but how he got that in Scotland god only knows, but further, he claims that one thing that keeps it at bay is regular in take if Black Sheep, a real ale brewed in Yorkshire. If that were the case, why would you live in Aix en Provence (which he does, with his beautiful long-suffering wife, Linda)? Is there an outlet for real hand pulled English ale in Provence of which I am not aware? I don’t think so. Thus the only conclusion one can arrive at is that he is being economical with the truth.

Earlier in the evening I meet old pal Paul Kendall, aka Ken Poodle, bassist extraordinaire in various bands notably The Vice Creems, Oxford English scholar and advertising copywriter, who wants to make a documentary about a certain member of a legendary sixties group which may have inspired Alfred Hitchcock as far as a title goes in one of his earlier films. I agree to research the rights clearances and we celebrate over a few pints of London Pride, a pastime that I suspect will be repeated this evening after the closure of The France Show a Earls Court.

Chris France
Buying a house in France, moving money? http://www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Rent a private villa in Provence? http://www.cotdazurvillarentals.com
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? http://www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? http://www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? http://www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? http://www.myperfectvilla.com
Find A House in Cote d’Azur? http://www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com
Monthly Riviera News? http://www.rivieratimes.com
Local ex pat information resource? http://www.angloinfo.com
Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/

Bootiful beer

January 15, 2011

tags: BA, Bernard Matthews, Channel 5, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Earls court, Easyjet, Living In France, Moving To France, The France Show

Now you may have missed it, but the sad news is that Bernard Matthews, the most famous turkey farmer in England, is dead. No longer will turkeys flee for their lives when hearing his name, no longer will we have to endure the excruciating TV adverts where he intoned his catch phrase, “bootiful”, sad days indeed, for turkeys anyway.

And talking of turkeys, It was a great idea to watch a Channel 5 programme about the BA plane where the planes’ wind screen dropped out on a flight over Europe a few years ago. The sight of the pilot half in and half out of the plane had a less than calming effect in that nice lady decorator, who detests flying at the best of times. However, all was well, after she had personally checked the wind screen of our plane.

As I pointed out, BA change their windscreen when there is a there’s a problem, whereas Easyjet probably get Autoglass, the guys advertised on the TV who come out and repair your wind screen rather than replace it when it has a chip.

Another interesting fact was that then, on the BA 111, there were insufficient oxygen masks for all the passengers. I suppose it was a bit cruel to bring this up just as we were waiting to board.

My picture today was taken on the way down from Gourdon last weekend when we were on a punishing walk to start eating into the excesses created by eating and drinking opportunities over the festive season, negated somewhat by lunch afterwards at the Auberge de Gourdon.

The long and winding road indeed

We arrived into London Luton in typical welcoming English weather. So whilst we waited in the cold breezy gloom that epitomises England in winter, I noticed that now there is a charge of £1 90, that is 2.20 Euros at today’s exchange rate, to take the cramped bus link to the railway station. I could take a taxi for that and not have to put up with being crushed against evil-smelling garlic chewing humanity, but that’s enough about that nice lady decorator. (I am being very brave here but it is a calculated risk, there is almost no chance of her seeing this page whilst we are travelling).

It is nice to see my name in lights, but I am sure I don’t deserve it. The France Show crowds have thinned out a little by the time we arrive, I have a new pen in my pocket ready for what I believe will be the inevitable autograph requests. But when they did not materialise we adjourned to a local pub to test the relative merits of some northern beer favoured by that nice lady decorator and a proper south of England beer, London Pride. To say that the southern contender chased of the northern interloper is a little unfair, I felt I had to try both just to be sure.

Alcoholic fast ruined by wingco

January 14, 2011

tags: Auberge St Donat, Cote D Azur, Cote D'Azur Villa Rentals, Currencies Direct, Go compare, Insure & Go, Living In France, Moving To France, Plascassier

If you were interested in having an affair and you wanted insurance in case you were found out, would you use go compare.com? If you were in a hurry would you consider insure and go? These questions have been bothering me in case I ever considered having an affair, even though that nice lady decorator is not in favour. I wonder if Steve Weston, whose love of sheep has been well documented on these pages has insurance with the National Farmers Union? Actually I have nor heard from Steve for some weeks, I suspect he lying low or (lowing lie?, look it up in the dictionary if not understood, lowing is, as Steve is well aware, a noise made by cattle including sheep).

Everything is well in the world, the sun is out, the south of France radiant once again as my picture shows and then;

The ancient Provencal village of Plascassier in the evening sunlight. This is the sort of photo you want.

So there I was, contemplating the serious business ahead of me at The France Show in the missionary position of bring ing the good news about Currencies Direct to the eager masses this coming weekend, with me fresh from the lack of alcohol and reinvigorated due to the excessive exercise I had endured, that, and the carbohydrate starved diet, when I got the call from Greg at Cote d’Azur Villas about meeting for lunch at the Auberge St Donat for lunch to discuss the niceties if the golf holiday offering we are planning. I immediately thought of my alcoholic fast, and fleetingly I considered a lunch without drinking anything but water, or even making the excuse of a mythical earlier engagement, but my business brain imposed itself and I accepted. Then Greg said “I have spoken to the wingco and he is coming as well. At that moment I knew. The fast was over, accept the inevitable, and stop being what the wingco would describe as a “boring bastard”. I could hear that nice lady decorater in the back of my mind saying ” he sank your battleship?” with that questioning look which is more penetrating than even the Gestapo can bring to bear, but still I found the willpower too weak and I succumbed. And so, shame faced, I admit that my resolve was once again found wanting and I succumbed to the temptation, that is embodied in those two words; lunch and wingco.

And very pleasant it was. Much business of many facets was discussed, a great deal if red wine was removed from this world and discussions continued into the afternoon on the wingco’s terrace where once again his seemingly inexhaustible supply of cognac was tested to its limits.

It’s not good and it’s not clever, but it was enjoyable, and now I feel ready to face The France Show tomorrow. An email from old rock n roll pal John Otway, he of the constantly failing career, rescued only by bouts of fame caused by his claim to be a failure, (a career that spans 35 years nonetheless) draws attention to the fact that he is gutted that I appear to be headlining Earls Court. He has headlined many notable venues including the Royal Albert Hall in his illustrious career, but thus far a headline slot at Earls Court has eluded him. Fame is not something one chases, but sometimes it is thrust upon one and one must accept the mantel of responsibility that it brings.

Chris France

Buying a house in France, moving money? http://www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Rent a private villa in Provence? http://www.cotdazurvillarentals.com
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? http://www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? http://www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? http://www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? http://www.myperfectvilla.com
Find A House in Cote d’Azur? http://www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com
Monthly Riviera News? http://www.rivieratimes.com
Local ex pat information resource? http://www.angloinfo.com
Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/

Dr Harold Shipman on Crimewatch?

January 13, 2011

Sunshine at last, coupled with the lies and half-truths uttered by those dastardly bathroom scales sent me off on a very harsh walk this morning around my beloved Brague River and Valmasque forest pictured below;

David Bailey eat your heart out, this is real photographic art

That nice lady decorator was tipped off about my comments about her intellect lacking dog, Banjo, yesterday. If it was you, I will find out and the wrath of the blog will be upon you. She refused to believe that my motives for sending him on holiday to Korea may be less than philanthropic (does he collect stamps?) or that he needed a good holiday, and made the appalling suggestion that I might want to eat him. This is slander of the highest order, I don’t want to eat him, but I know some people who would.

Take this morning for instance, that nice lady decorator has had to spend most of the morning with a shovel and wheelbarrow collecting his not so little and very smelly calling cards, almost all of which in typically malevolent manner he deposits near my overflow office area otherwise known as my hammock. The deal was, when we got him, (against my strict instructions) that anything “left” on the lawn must be cleared up immediately, certainly the same day, but some late summer offerings seem to be still in situ.

My writing empire has extended further. I have been appointed resident restaurant critic for fr2day and my first review can be found here. I have asked head honcho Wayne Brown for my cheque (happy to accept it in Euros given todays exchange rate close to 1.20) but curiously he has disappeared off to London for a few days, I do hope he is not avoiding me.

Yesterday to the Asian supermarket in Mandelieu. I looked for any nice doggy dishes but nothing, not even essence of cocker spaniel for sale which was slightly disappointing, but after a short paws for breath, back to my MIDEM appointments.

One of the down sides of having Sky TV is that nice lady decorators love of all TV dross. The One Show on BBC 1 for instance; last night their guests were Richard and Judy. I mean what is that all about, a sofa based show inviting more sofa based “celebrities” on as guests? What next?, Crimewatch with special guest Dr Harold Shipman?

So, weather back to normal, 17 degrees yesterday and the top down on the merc, all was well with the world, until I remembered my trip to the UK this Friday. Never mind I thought, the weather is fine over there at the moment, according to my friends, but then I saw the forecast for the weekend; catastrophic rain and wind, it’s the wind that worries me, I mean how can they forecast that nice lady decorators output that far ahead? If she tries to deny it, ask her who has video footage of her successfully lighting a fart a few years ago.

On the other hand, the worlds finest ale, waiting to be sampled, and me in the middle of an alcoholic fast, maybe things are not all bad..maybe I can put up with it for a few days.

Dog in new Korea move?

January 12, 2011

tags: Australia, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Isola 2000, Living In France, MIDEM, Moving To France, The Ashes 2010, The France Show, Valberg, Valbonne

I have been thinking that I may have been a bit hard on Banjo the monstrous mutt who is the bane of my life, perhaps he needs a holiday. They tell me Korea is nice.

I am sent a list of suggestions for different types of insurance. It starts with insurance for having sex with your wife, that would be Legal and General, and having sex with a prostitute would be covered by Commercial Union. I think the one I liked best was for transvestites; confused.com, although having second with your secretary being covered by Employers Liability Insurance caught my eye.

Valberg is a ski resort slightly nearer to Valbonne than Isola 2000, that nasty 60’s carbuncle of a resort, so with sunny skies an impulsive decision was made. We decided that it needed to be checked out and less than 2 hours later we were standing on the slopes.

My headline yesterday, “no beer until Friday” technically holds up, but one simply cannot go into the mountains, ski and not have a vin chaud, it’s against the law, thus my picture today shows the snowy wastes of Valberg and the largest vin chaud I have ever seen.

Now that what I call a Vin Chaud

The impulsive decision to go skiing meant that I had to multi task, that is to say that I had to continue to oil the wheels of commerce whilst undertaking important research into the attributes of this ski area. This can be done through the proper use of up to date technical equipment such as a blackberry, often in those quiet moments when one is ascending a chair lift. This important work for Currencies Direct and MIDEM was suddenly interrupted when someone, who shall remain nameless, managed to get his poles jammed in the mechanism, his glove stuck on the chair and drop his sunglasses under the lift, causing the immediate stoppage of the chair lift, and further causing some 200 poor unfortunates to dangle on their chairs whilst things were untangled, rescued and corrected. His excuse, that he felt he had time to finish his email before the chair came into land (and skiers will know the timing of these landings cannot be varied) was entirely understandable in the circumstances, but he received very little sympathy from that nice lady decorator who happened to be in the chair alongside this poor hard-working unfortunate. Any suggestion that this person was me is malicious slander of the most obscene order and will be met with the full weight that the law can bring to bear.

I am sent a selection of Australian cricket jokes, many of them hilarious and worth a mention in this column in celebration of the thrashing they received in the recent Ashes Test Cricket series. My favourite is “Why can’t an Aussie bring his girlfriend to cricket?” Answer; “she would eat all the grass”. There are several others that may appear in the coming days.

In the meantime, I will get back on my temperance wagon so that I am if full effect ready for that first pint of London Pride when I land in England on Friday for The France Show this coming weekend.

No beer till Friday

January 11, 2011

tags: Earls court, fr2day, Lemmy, Motorhead, The France Show, Valberg

That’s it, I am going to sue the French Tourist board. More rain? I want to move to a dryer country, like England. I shall be going there on Friday for the weekend to escape the eternal rain here in the cote d’Azur.

I shall be there for the France show and I have some tickets if anyone would like to go? It has the biggest French market outside France and goes on from 14-16th January. I shall be there for much of the time, as I fear I may have a lot of conversion work to do on people who insist on moving foreign exchange via their banks.

I shall also be meeting up with old pal and impossible rock n roll failure or success depending upon your viewpoint, John Otway to collect money for the Otway and Barrett DVD I funded (John, are you listening?), so with luck I shall be laden down with cash and loads of french sausage when I return from the do doubt sunnier climes of London.

I shall also be meeting with the writers and directors of the cult 60’s documentary whom seek my involvement, probably because I am the oldest surviving person in the music business that remember’s something about the 1960’s (Kenney Jones, the drummer in the Small Faces and then The Who once told me that if you remember the 60’s, you were not there). Clearly my knowledge and expertise will be vital to them, how vital I will find out when I hear how the fee structure will work.

My picture today is of my swimming pool. It has a leak which causes it to lose about half an inch of water a day. It has had this leak since the late summer, and I have never had to add water to it, due to the rain. As you can see, it is still full. Apart from the rain itself, this is very irritating as our advice from our pool expert was to let it drain until the water loss stopped so that we can identify where the leak is. This is great advice when the climate is normal, but when you effectively living in English conditions it can be found wanting.

Full to the top, despite a leak

The weather forecast for the mountains tomorrow, slightly unbelievably at the moment, is for sunshine, so if that is the case then I shall take off to Valberg, a resort I have not previously visited for a days skiing and a recce. So stand by your beds for a report and some more snow pictures on Wednesday.

Lemmy from Motorhead once said “No sleep till Hammersmith”. I have adopted the spirit of this phrase by proclaiming “No drink till Friday”. It cannot possibly go past Friday because London Pride, the finest beer known to man, will be available to purchase and whilst I have the willpower of a eunuch in a brothel, it will surely break as soon as I see the hand pull pump proclaiming that London pride is available.

Dog asbo’s to be introduced

January 10, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, Gourdon, Living In France, Moving To France, Sunday Times, Valbonne

Every social occasion that I attend nowadays tends to be enhanced (some say blighted) by my ability to take notes of interest on my blackberry. Many examples of bad behavior or items of interest to everyone except the perpetrator of whatever misdeed I record can be stored very simply in note form on this wonderful device, avoiding the possibility that I will imbibe too freely and forget what it was that I consider might sit comfortably in this column. Indeed, It allows me to imbibe as freely as I like in the full knowledge that said misdeeds will be remembered on the morrow, as long as I am still capable of using it..

I have often been indebted to it for reminding me of events, and I even have reason to believe that certain people, when realising that they have committed some faux pas, that might feature in this illumination of the lives of the idle rich in Valbonne, have been less than impressed the fact that my blackberry can record that moment in time, to be used by me in the annals of this publication.

It is not always the reproachable that can be recorded, and by way of example, one such fact that came to my notice via my notes from Saturday night was that Lady Jill has three degrees. I wonder, when will I see her again?

Parascending from above Gourdon

My picture today was taken yesterday morning when, spurred on by the alarming statistics revealed by the bathroom scales, she who must be obeyed decided that much stiffer exercise was called for. So after much mumbling and research of various randonnee (hiking) books, it was decided by that nice lady decorator that we would walk up the mountain from Gourdon.

The weather, having started bright gradually worsened and it was no surprise to hear on the radio on the way back that December was the coldest and the least sunny in the cote d’Azur since 1950. It was also one of the wettest.

Lunch after this epic trek was taken at the nice little Auberge de Gourdon, where I was served a nice goats cheese salad, but it was sadly truncated (the lunch, not the salad) because the faeces filled cocked up cocker spaniel Banjo cannot be left in the car for more than half an hour without chewing his way out, or breaking the sound barrier with his barking. Euthanasia is a kind release to allow someone to die with dignity, I just wish there was such a thing as doginasia, but there are no dogs in Asia because they eat them all, now that’s an idea, he is so fat he would make a good meal for a family of four for a week. Is there a doggy cook book?

I read in the Sunday Times that the UK government is about to introduce asbo’s for dogs. It will cover breeds from Chihuahuas to pit bulls so that will include crazy cocker spaniels then, and will cover all aspects of the bad behavior exhibited by the canine catastrophe. Barking at postmen, delivery drivers, lawn mowers and hammocks would hopefully be on the list of offences and as a public-spirited citizen I would feel it will be my duty to report him to the police. It seems that there is a god after all.

Chris France

Celebrity Mastermind shock

January 9, 2011

tags: celebrity mastermind, Christians, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Father Christmas, Living In France, Moving To France, Sunny France, Terry Christian, The Ashes, Valbonne

Did you hear about the alcoholic fat Father Christmas transvestite look-alike? At he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. There we go, should have got the “offended” numbers up pretty quickly today. I think I should have upset alcoholics, transvestite, Christians and the overweight all in one fell swoop.

At last the real weather has returned. I suspect god or Mr Darwin or whoever is in charge listened to my warning yesterday and decided that enough was enough. I think we have now had the annual rainfall for the cote d’Azur, so no more until the end of the year please, or there will be trouble.

Modesty normally forbids me often to mention my long and glittering career in the music industry, but it seems that one cannot suppress ones comparative fame forever, as apparently I was the subject of a question on Celebrity Mastermind with Terry Christian recently. This however has not been confirmed, nor has the suggestion that Terry got that particular question wrong.

The Breiget a tributary of the Brague River in the Valmasque forest

My picture today is taken from my walk yesterday morning, then
last night into Valbonne, heartened by the recovery of the pound against the euro, to The Queens Legs and thereafter the Valbonnaise which is great fun if still a little too brightly lit for the older woman. This of course in no way can apply to that nice lady decorator who by her own reckoning is now in her mid thirties, whereas I find my own wizened features seem somehow to come alive in such light.

A happy throng included Tim Bucktwo, Lady Jill, George Benson look-alike Dr Henry Brew. I want a name like that, Brew. Maybe Chris Vine would be more apt?

The talk is of going skiing today at Isola 2000 but for me insufficient sunshine is guaranteed so they will not be accompanied by me. Instead I shall collect my copy of the Sunday Times and revel in the after match analyses of the Ashes Test series and sit in the sunshine (you have been warned, god) in Valbonne Square over a coffee.

MIDEM, the international music festival which is staged each January in Cannes is approaching, and obviously my presence is required. Unfortunately this involves me in a great deal of toil in the run up, something that I am not used to any more, indeed I may have to put in several 5 hour days in the coming weeks, particularly as it looks like it will be sunny in the mountains on Tuesday so skiing for the day will eat into my valuable work time.

Let me leave you today with a story with a warning as befits the Sabbath. A friend of mine hired a lady from Eastern Europe to help with his cleaning but it took her 5 hours to hoover the house, apparently she was a Slovak.

The Ashes, and global warming

January 8, 2011

tags: 9/11, Australia, Currencies Direct, Gene Kelly, John F Kennedy, Living In France, Moving To France, Sydney, test cricket, The Ashes 2010

I made just one new resolution this year, and that was to make no new years resolutions, so that’s already over then. As the 5th Ashes Test ended in the crushing victory for England over Australia as expected, I was a little late to bed due to having been lavishly entertained by the wingco. We were together when it happened, the victory, and like the death of John Kennedy and 9/11 I will for ever remember where I was when the urn was won.

This made my awakening too late to attend church at Cafe Latin yesterday morning, so I missed what Neil (I’m free) Humphreys was wearing, thus I am fashionably bereft this week. I had a look at his Facebook page however and saw some fascinating photos of a party over Christmas where the theme appeared to be “dress to kill”. Had I been invited, I think a beard, a turban and a backpack with wires sticking out might have been appropriate, which is probably why I was not invited. Maybe I could have gone as sandpaper, then I could have said that rather than being dressed to kill I only wanted to rough somebody up a bit.

My picture today is of some nice autumn dahlias I took in London a few months ago – just to brighten my day. It is a bad day when I have to feature a photo in England to counteract the weather over here.

Dahlias in Holland Park in autumn

I have been trying to enjoy this appalling weather, but I believe my Gene Kelly impersonation was not enjoyed by anyone, especially Banjo on my morning walk. Singing in the rain indeed, if I could get hold of god, or whoever is responsible for this weather, I would demand a refund, I did not pay all this money to live in paradise for it to rain for days on end, blimey, it’s almost as bad as England!

Global warming? It just isn’t happening. I have been saying this since the 1970’s, what we are seeing is a cyclical general increase in temperatures, probably due to sunspots or the activity of the sun which will reverse itself in under 100 years, so all this nonsense about carbon emissions is crap. Did you know that over 50% of the world’s carbon emissions are from the arses of animals? I think they might have been around for a few thousand years and probably in greater profusion until we started to kill them all off. What about all that fuss over the thinning ozone layer a few years ago? Not a word about it now because it has recovered to 1960’s levels, and then England gets its coldest December for hundreds of years and the climate lobby are surprised. There we go then, my bit of controversy for the day, look forward to hearing some comments from those sucked in by the vested interests that fuel the global warming PR machine.

Michael Jackson and the smell of death

January 7, 2011

tags: Currencies Direct, Golf in Valbonne, Les Pierres Rouge, Living In France, Michael Jackson, Moving To France, Sprinkler dance, Sydney, The Ashes 2010, Valbonnaise, Valbonne

There is man in Nice who is about to make a fortune out of the death of Michael Jackson. Apparently he had a chance meeting with the family in Los Angeles, and connections with Grasse and the perfume making fraternity, and the story I heard was that he has been commissioned to make a perfume to allow people to smell like Michael Jackson himself. Now call me old-fashioned if you like, but smelling like Michael Jackson when he was alive does not hold much allure for me, but smelling like him now he is dead? That must be something akin to the smell that exudes from every pore of the cretin canine Banjo, the dog that the nice lady decorator insisted join our family unit despite his obvious paranoia and unsuitability (we are mostly relatively civilised and not given over to theft), and the fact that she was in a minority of one when it came to a family vote as to whether he was welcome. You will know I campaigned for some time for a “no” vote but luckily for Banjo, and unluckily for the rest of us, she decided that the vote was a tie and that she had the casting vote. Democracy, France style.

I am writing this before the inevitable win in the Ashes Test series for England last night. This is because I have been invited to the wingco’s abode to enjoy the finale with some like-minded cricketing folk and I have reason to believe that strong drink may be forced upon me in celebration, thereby breaking my self-imposed alcohol fast. (“alcohol fast?” that sounds like things returning to normal). I suspect that we may be so overcome that we engage in the “Sprinkler dance” that has become a tour favourite with the English cricket team, which reminds me of a picture I took in Brisbane in November at the First Test which I thought I would save until the series was won.

If you even consider doing the Sprinkler dance at my advanced age, you will certainly need a booster

If the weather is as poor again today as yesterday then I shall eschew the diet and the austerity measures forced upon my by a massive festive over spend (as usual) and go for lunch at Les Pierres Rouge nearby, a wonderful escape from the elements when inclement conditions prevail. I have already decided that I have a previous engagement on Sunday when I had fleetingly considered golf with the Landlubbers so that will save me enough money to go to lunch!

A birthday celebration tomorrow night will see us in Valbonne, probably at The Queens Legs, The Valbonnaise and Le Kavanou although not necessarily in that order, to witness George Benson impersonator Dr Henry Brew (boy I would love to have that as a surname…..before she was married, my mother was determined that her first son would be called Justin, then she married my father. Although perhaps apt at present, Justin France may not have worked long-term….) and voluptuous Vinetta. Stand by your beds for more tales where I have to change the names of the guilty

Chris France

The French and roundabouts

January 6, 2011

tags: Australia, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Ex Pats Golf, La Rosiere, Living In France, Moving To France, skiing in the alps, The Ashes 2010, Valbonne

The French and roundabouts; good or bad? Discuss. They have no idea. Why is it that as soon as they see a roundabout they seem to forget completely how their direction indicators work? I think roundabouts are a new invention for the French, something they have seldom previously encountered, and like fighting wars, they don’t understand the principle. I mention the infuriating French way with roundabouts because a man was stabbed in a road rage incident on New Years Day in Sophia Antipolis, maybe he failed to indicate at the roundabout?

I have had several ambiguous comments on response to this column, to the extent that I have begun to wonder if there is a philosophy of ambiguity? As I said to that nice lady decorator, I have started so I’ll finish. Personally I don’t have anything against people who are ambiguous, I don’t see how it makes any difference if a person is as good with their right hands as their left.

My picture today is another taken from during my recent trip to the Alps, where the weather was so much better than we are currently suffering here in the cote d’Azur, unprecedented dank weather in the 6 years that I have lived down here. At least my other possible choice,when moving from England, Australia, does not look a better option at the moment.

If you look carefully you can see some ghosts enjoying a vin chaud at La Rosiere

My long career in the music industry, which in actual fact was motivated by the urge to avoid having to get a proper job, has taken an interesting turn, in that I have been asked to get involved in a documentary about a legendary 60’s supergroup. I shall reveal more if the project looks viable. However, please do not be distressed, I shall in any event continue my missionary work with Currencies Direct

Luckily, I was on the sofa, watching the inevitable Ashes Test Match from Sydney when that stupendously stupid hound Banjo decided at 2 am this morning that my hammock in the garden was an intruder. No amount of calming would work, in his little diseased world, the hammock had to die. Had I been awoken by him or indeed been required to leave the comfort of my bed to deal with him, then there would have been carnage, or rather dognage. As it is, the only victim has been my hammock, which had become a little mildewed in the recent damp weather, so I shall now be able to insist that the nice lady decorateur (as her card says) replaces it with a new one poste haste (well, as soon as possible).

Anyway, once the hammock was well and truly dead, the canine catastrophe seemed well pleased with his nights work, but I am afraid,well delighted actually, that he has made some new powerful enemies in the shape of my children and the neighbours, so all in all it was quite a rewarding event.

Bathroom scales require recalibration

January 5, 2011

tags: Australia, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Golf in Valbonne, Living In France, Moving To France, The Ashes 2010

That’s it, the diet has started. The Queens Legs the night before last night was scene of the last rites of my drinking and eating Christmas regime, not a drop of alcohol, nor a single carbohydrate will pass my lips until….well yes, that’s just it. Until I get an invitation to a social event, or that nice lady decorator gets thirsty, or my willpower (which has not been noted for its tenacity in the past) fails me. The reason for this is none of my doing. My bathroom scales are showing some horrendous numbers, and are clearly in need of recalibration, however that nice lady decorator refuses to believe the obvious truth, that the scales are inaccurate and reading some ten kilos more than my actual weight. She took to weighing herself to show that they were operating correctly, but as I told her authoritatively, it is only out of synch at slightly higher values. As Rodney Dangerfield once said, “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong”, however I am not sure she has ever heard of him, indeed I would go further and say, that even if she had, she would have dismissed his phrase with the contempt only she can muster with such certainty.

This picture was taken on the last day of the skiing trip to La Rosiere from above the clouds looking down onto the gloom that has once again descended across the cote d’azur.

Above the clouds in the Alps

Further to my story about my son asking instructions whilst we were away over the festive period, as to whether he could use chicken nuggets in a curry, I wonder if he might be described as a korma khama kamelion?

Golfing holidays is a much neglected area of enterprise locally, so I have decided to put together an offering of a stay in a locality at wonderful villa, offering golf for the chaps and any accompanying girls who don’t want to play golf can take advantage of the many local attractions, not least the shopping in Cannes. I am therefore teaming up with Greg Harris at Cote d’Azur villas to plot this offering. Obviously a great deal of preparatory work has been required, so I do hope Greg is on top of it.

I think I know what is required to market the idea, but I am not quite certain but I believe that indecision is the key to flexibility.

I am writing this once again from my sofa as I urge the English cricket team on to what I sincerely hope will be a stirring victory in the final Ashes cricket test in Sydney. I have several possibly enlightened folk ready to sign up for Currencies Direct accounts, so I shall be diligently following through this week to ensure that having been forced by myself to see the light, there will be no back sliding and that accounts will be duly opened. Indeed as I sit here, emails and application forms are winging their way through the ether.

Chris France

Chicken nugget curry?

January 4, 2011

tags: Ashes 2011, Australia, Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, dahu, Food & wine, La Rosiere, Living In France, The Alps, The Ashes 2010, Valbonne

The call from our son after 4 days away asking how to make a chicken nugget curry persuaded us that it was indeed time to come home to the Cote d’Azur. My own wizardry in the kitchen is well renowned and in no way should be construed as a deliberate attempt to avoid cooking duties, and clearly my son retains the same genetic ability, to boldly cook where no one else will.

This is the first split infinitive I have ever allowed in this column, but even that is not sacred if there is a joke there.

Last night was the first days play in the final Ashes Test series, this time in Sydney and will be the first days play that I have not witnessed on my sofa or actually there as in Brisbane for the first match. Despite the rain (sounds like the cote d’Azur recently), England are once again on top, so my presence by the TV screen was not required to ensure a good England performance.

The locals at La Rosiere took great delight in telling me about the dahu. This sounds like wind up to me, or a really good scrabble word.

According to what I was told, and now believe, the dahu is a small mountain deer found in the local area in the Alps. It has both its right hand legs considerably shorter than its left legs, to give it the ability to remain horizontal without strain when grazing on the steep slopes. A perfectly feasible piece of Darwinesque evolution on first look, but for me it raises a number of questions; what would happen if you had a dyslexic dahu? Would it keep toppling over? What happens if it wants to turn around? Do they all face in the same direction all the time, or could there be left and right-handed dahu? Maybe male dahu have short left legs and females short right legs? What happens if they find some flat ground, would they all walk with a limp? What happens if you get a gay dahu?

I have spent the night wrestling with all these questions. Does anyone remember that film “Flight of the Phoenix”? It is an old movie where a sergeant major type sets off to walk out the desert after surviving a plane crash, but because one leg is slightly shorter than the other he arrives back in the same place 5 days later having walked in a very large circle.

beer gets in the way of a good view from the terrace at L'Ancona restaurant at La Rosiere

The trip back to the Valbonne started in bright sunshine but very cold and took a mere six hours where god again blessed us with cloudy grey weather. Much more of this and I will be looking to take a vacation in England to get some sunshine. Actually we will be back in UK in 10 days or so for The France Show, named after myself of course, staged at Earls Court or Olympia and sponsored by Currencies Direct, who are kindly providing accommodation. I trust my usual suite at The Dorchester will be available.

Chris France

Buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance

Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/

Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/

Best French Riviera Property Agent?

http://www.afa-international.com/

http://frenchriviera-properties.com/

Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514

Rent a private villa in Provence? www.cotdazurvillarentals.com

Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/

Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/

Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/

Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com

Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/

John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com

Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html

Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com

Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com

Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com

Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com

Find A House in Cote d’Azur? www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com

Monthly Riviera News? www.rivieratimes.com

Local ex pat information resource? www.angloinfo.com

Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/

Car full of anchovies?

January 3, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, L'Ancona, La Rosiere, Living In France, Moving To France, skiing in France

Why would a hire car be full of anchovies? That was the question one of our skiing party was considering. She had of course misheard a conversation about car hire and antifreeze but it took her (it had to be a her) about 10 minutes to discover her mistake. Luckily she felt snow offence as she claims that her ear mufflers were to blame.
Personally, I blame the alcohol. That nice lady decorator was as usual almost certainly the instigator for what I have reason to believe was an epic evening of bad behaviour. Myself? I had retired hurt at 7pm after helping to drink the entire stock of cote du Rhone in mountain restaurant L’Ancona, followed by a visit to a bar for apres lunch, sometimes known as apres ski, but only when skiing is undertaken.

During the day yesterday, more and more ribald stories emerged which I suspect I are being deliberately suppressed for the lack of my benefit. Brief half hidden references skim through the air, quickly repressed with dark looks and giggles, but I know two things for certain; Karaoke was involved, and someone was sufficiently upset to empty a dozen eggs and other detritus over our windscreen, which had frozen nicely when we came to get in the car yesterday morning.Why anyone would go to the effort to do such a thing without provocation defeats me, thus, there it is not unreasonable to assume that there had to have been provocation. I just don’t yet know what shape that took.

Of course it may all be a big wind up, but I don’t think so, I expect further revelations this evening which I shall hope to bring you tomorrow. This is our last night in La Rosiere, so after a quiet lunch (following whatever occurred yesterday) I may be able to extract more information.

My picture today is of La Rosiere with its empty slopes now that the new years holidaymakers have departed;

Just one person to spoil my picture

It will take some six hours to drive back, apparently to be greeted by more poor weather. Whilst we have recharged in the sunshine of the Alps, I am keeping a good look out for gods claim that there are 300 sunny days a year in the Cote d’Azur, that’s 5 out of 6 or put it another way over 80%. So far he has done poorly this year with no more than a 66% record. If ever there was a reason not to be religious this must be it.

This last refrence is obviously for regular reader and Daily Mail poet The Reverend Jeff from whom I have not heard recently. He is always easily ofended by any anti religious jokes, which his why he is so much fun, albeit slightly predictable.

So tomorrow, the fun is over and I shall be back at work firecely attempting a secure more converts to Currencies Direct, to give them and me a nice glow of satisfaction.

Chris France

Buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance

Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/

Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/

Best French Riviera Property Agent?

http://www.afa-international.com/

http://frenchriviera-properties.com/

Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514

Rent a private villa in Provence? www.cotdazurvillarentals.com

Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/

Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/

Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/

Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com

Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/

John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com

Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html

Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com

Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com

Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com

Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com

Find A House in Cote d’Azur? www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com

Monthly Riviera News? www.rivieratimes.com

Local ex pat information resource? www.angloinfo.com

Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/

Resolution? no new years resolutions

January 2, 2011

tags: Cote D Azur, Currencies Direct, Food & wine, La Rosiere, Living In France, Moving To France, Sunny France, Yorkshire

New years resolutions, what is the point? An old friend told me on New Years Eve that wishing someone Happy New year meant one of two things, either, you hope they had a better year next year than last year, implying that the last year has been crap, or you are commiserating that finally the last year with trials and tribulations are over for another year. my one resolution is more of a wish than a resolution. It concerns Banjo the cruddy cantankerous canine, but if I reveal what I hope to achieve it may not come true.

As regular readers will know, I am reporting to you at present from La Rosiere in the Alps, having been invited there for a few days whilst the weather on the cote d’Azur undergoes some urgent remedial work. Someone mentioned a drag lift today and it got me thinking. A drag lift must be a hard cross to bear. A drag would normally be considered as a downer, unless of course spliff was involved. Otherwise the phrase drag lift has obviously dodgy undertones. Why can’t they be called uplifts?
A champagne breakfast at a nearby apartment allows that nice lady decorator to get an early taste for favourite tipple. However when returning to our apartment to collect gloves hats etc, she confidently led me to an identical apartment but on a different floor from our apartment. When the key would not work in the lock she accused the authorities of changing not only the locks but the name of the apartment, before I gently pointed out her mistake.

My picture today is inevitably of the snow, but with a difference. it is clearly so cold in Yorkshire from where these people undoubtedly originate, that the appearance of sun has made it so comparatively warm up here that they decided to forgo normal skiing gear.

The young of Yorkshire at play in summer conditions

I suggested to the nice lady decorator that as she spent some of her formative years in destitution in Yorkshire, that she may wish to emulate their behaviour, but was treated to the laser beam stare for which she is justly renowned.

Today the last day of skiing, but I hear that the weather has undergone its makeover so I can return in the certainty that sunshine will prevail until April at least.

The New Years Eve celebrations were marred by a french DJ deciding to play what he wanted rather than the revellers choice. This was after a rather good salad perched and a slightly less interesting fillet. Thus we adjourned back to someone apartment, all suffering from a surfeit of glitter which was shed like dandruff from the silly party hats with which we were provided, where we managed to reduce considerably the champagne stocks we had brought with us.

Lunch was taken on a sunny terrace at L’Ancoli on the French side where we had a very acceptable assiette de la montage and settled into some half decent red wine from where I am now writing this.

Chris France

Buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance

Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/

Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/

Best French Riviera Property Agent?

http://www.afa-international.com/

http://frenchriviera-properties.com/

Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514

Rent a private villa in Provence? www.cotdazurvillarentals.com

Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/

Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/

Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/

Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com

Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/

John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com

Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html

Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com

Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com

Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com

Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com

Find A House in Cote d’Azur? www.frenchrivierapropertysearch.com

Monthly Riviera News? www.rivieratimes.com

Local ex pat information resource? www.angloinfo.com

Yacht owner? http://www.yachtownersdirect.com/

Chris France's Blog

Living between Valbonne and Arundel amongst the idle rich

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Bootiful beer

Alcoholic fast ruined by wingco

Dr Harold Shipman on Crimewatch?

Dog in new Korea move?

No beer till Friday

Dog asbo’s to be introduced

Celebrity Mastermind shock

The Ashes, and global warming

Michael Jackson and the smell of death

The French and roundabouts

Bathroom scales require recalibration

Chicken nugget curry?

Car full of anchovies?

Resolution? no new years resolutions

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