Spilling wine can be dangerous

That’s it, all booked for Cyprus in a couple of weeks. With luck and an enlightened selection process, I shall be gracing the cricket pitch once again in early April. A little like some top footballers, one does not want too many spectators when one is easing oneself back into a game one has not played for some time, and so Cyprus seemed the perfect opportunity.

Yesterday, we were descended upon by the beautiful Debbie Barrett and her husband Simon “who ate all the pies”. They arrived mid afternoon, her driving, him having lunched well. Well, there was only one course open, to go next door to the pub. That was where I spilled the first of at least three glasses of wine. When the step mother of James “Desperate Dan the Landlord” appeared from the garden with a bucket of coal for the fire, Simon remarked “nice handbag”, luckily just out of earshot or there may have been spillage of a different nature. The same colour but something you like to spill even less than wine.

I am missing those beaches of Barbados already

When it comes to spillage of the wine type, I always find that red wine is much more satisfying. It makes such a better stain than white wine and it is a kind of visible badge of honour. White wine stains can be disguised very easily. The effects of a red wine stain are considerably harder to mask. As indeed are bruises which tend to appear on my body if the unlucky recipient of my wine largesse is That Nice Lady Decorator and her new white canvas boots. She does not understand the concept of “an accident”. Such events are deemed a mortal attack on her person. Managing to do it three times in an evening and still being alive to tell the tale tells a story into which I do not wish to explore in great detail. Suffice to say that these Facebook selfies, where women take a picture of themselves without make up, and chaps take photos of themselves with full and often diabolically overdone make up (all for charity) has come at a convenient moment. I have discovered that foundation is an excellent method to hide bruises.

Once this had been mopped and I had been bandaged, we decided to go to another pub for me to spill wine, the Kings Arms, where I felt it an imperative to order something different from the take away curry menu. I love the idea of being able to order a curry and eat in the pub. It had all been a very convivial social occasion, but for some unaccountable reason, full of beer, curry and wine (a little less of the latter due to my inability to stop spilling it) we went to the Red Lion in Arundel for some live music. I would have liked to write about what happened when we got there, but I have had a rather surprising bout of temporary amnesia. However, I do recall coming home and smoking a fine cigar in our inglenook, where I may or may not have spilled more wine.

I have found that after a few drinks I can get philosophical, but I was outdone by the Pie Man who wisely intoned that “We are all entwined on the cosmic fibres of life’s rich tapestry”. Yes, he has consumed a few drinks as well. I do recall talking to him about the benefits of opening an account with Currencies Direct but he may have been asleep at that point. Anyway, my recollection is that it was a very fine evening involving beer, wine and curry and in no way lessened by the pain I can still feel this morning.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News