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The key bleeper and Katie Melua

February 5, 2014

For Christmas, one of my Sprogs bought me something that I had owned in my youth and wanted to own again. It is a little gadget that you hang in your key ring and, when you cannot find your keys, it bleeps when you whistle at the correct frequency. I was pleased to get it and spent about an hour on Christmas morning trying whistling at every imaginable part of the audio spectrum, but achieving just one moment of audio bleeping heaven.

Since then, it has remained stubbornly silent despite continued attempts to awaken it from its slumber. This all changed last evening when That Nice Lady consigned herself to the kitchen to prepare my evening gruel (it was another 5:2 diet day) and put on a Katie Melua album. The damn thing suddenly began trilling like a budgie and just would not shut up, and eventually had to be placed in a different room. Now I know what to do should I ever have mislaid my keys. It will be tough but I will have to listen to Katie instead of trying to whistle at the correct pitch.

So the first north versus south banter column for Onboard Online has been published. Click on the link to read it. This is the first in a series in which I explore the comparative upsides of living in the south of England as opposed to the down sides of existing in the far reaches of the tundra strewn, peat infested north. This all pre supposes that one is unable to live in the south of France, the clearly preferred option, although it seems that even the Côte d’Azur has had a very wet winter so far. It will be answered back by pigeon fancying, northern tripe eating Card Bordeaux fab Peachy Butterfield within the next week or so.

TTTT in pub

Terribly Tall Timothy Taylor comes over all Essex. I do like the pork pie hat though.

My picture today is of White Hart bar manager Terribly Tall Timothy Taylor. I told him that I would not use this picture but I forgot. He did mention to me that he would not read this column, sharing the opinion of the Wingco that it was “ghastly” and so if you don’t tell him I won’t. Anyone unwise enough publicly to announce that he will not read it leaves himself open to the same treatment. It was he himself that told me he had that conversation with The Wingco last weekend. I always like to hear that reaction because it allows me to write terrible things about them, and I know they are torn between ignoring it all and taking a sneak look at what I have said. They are both dear friends and I would like to upset them.

Today, after the euphoria if spending the morning working on the benefits of having an account with Currencies Direct, we shall head of for Findon this afternoon for the second funeral of a dear friend in their early 50’s this year. The lovely Ann King’s last wishes were for everyone attending the ceremony not to wear black, but something pink instead, in deference to her fight against breast cancer. These occasions are never happy, but I know I want people to have a good party and not be morose when I pass on. That Nice Lady Decorator has told me that she will dance on my grave, which is why I have requested that I be buried at sea. Later it is the opening party of JAK, the new oriental restaurant at the White Hart, so I have sneaking suspicion I know where we will end up later.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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29 Comments leave one →
  1. February 5, 2014 8:05 am

    “My picture today is of White Hart bar manager Terribly Tall Timothy Taylor. I told him that I would not use this picture but I forgot. ”

    Silly Billy ! Seems like you forgot TWICE — see photo of 31st January’s post !!

    Like

    • February 6, 2014 12:53 pm

      just keeping you on your toes…

      Like

  2. February 5, 2014 8:09 am

    “They are bottle dear friends and I would like to upset them.”

    BOTTLE ?! You really DO have a one-track mind, don’t you, as your Freudian slip reveals !!

    Like

    • February 5, 2014 8:32 am

      I am going to swing for whoever it was that invented predictive text! Thank you for pointing it out. It now reads “both” instead if bottle, but I agree that Freud may have had something to say about that…

      Like

      • February 5, 2014 8:33 am

        It’s done it again. Instead of not instead if…

        Like

  3. February 5, 2014 11:14 am

    While sometimes Chris may mislay his keys,
    There are bleepers to find even these –
    But some finder-trillers
    Are merely cheap thrillers –
    Junk PRC-made gadgets that freeze !

    Like

    • February 5, 2014 11:51 am

      Love it!

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

      Like

  4. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 5, 2014 2:47 pm

    Yes I bought one of those a couple of weeks ago and once activated it wouldn’t stop beeping !! Ended up in the bin minus batteries of course.

    Funerals are sad. Yes it’s true,
    At our age we go to a few.
    But hey don’t be sad,
    It’s not really bad,
    Just remember, at least its not you !!

    Very nice Howzaaat.

    I was expecting a comment on my humidor pun yesterday !

    Like

    • February 5, 2014 3:43 pm

      Apologies for the omission — yes, (and I’m sure I can speak for ALL our readers) we thought it excellent, Rev. Very clever punning working with a most awkward word !

      The fact is I’m a little behind-hand, having only read yesterday’s post today; hence my limerick below being perhaps a little out of place, in that it really refers to content in yesterday’s blog. Anyway, here it is (hope it doesn’t offend anyone, especially anyone BIGGER than me — meant as a joke, truly !!) :-

      Peachy Butterfield, big and blasé,
      Eats a mountain of road-kill each day.
      He fries it in batter,
      Then loads up his platter –
      His waistline stays bigger that way !

      Like

  5. February 5, 2014 4:17 pm

    I agree, Patrick — a splendid limerick, Rev. Jeff !

    On the same subject, but nowhere near as artful :-

    To keep fresh one’s supply of cigars,
    Humidors are much better than jars;
    The reason, my dear reader ?
    They’re made of Spanish cedar –
    De rigueur in good clubs, pubs and bars.

    Like

    • February 6, 2014 12:52 pm

      I like this as well!

      Like

  6. Helen permalink
    February 5, 2014 6:17 pm

    Now that Chris has his new Xmas bleep
    from the darn thing comes nary a peep
    cept when Katie is trilling
    which Chris finds “so thrilling”
    BUY some battries
    & don’t be so cheap ,!!

    Like

    • February 6, 2014 12:52 pm

      its got new batteries!

      Like

  7. Helen permalink
    February 5, 2014 6:26 pm

    Sorry think that should have been NEW battries 🙂 bad spelling is meant for the sake of the
    rhythm …:):)

    Like

  8. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 5, 2014 9:25 pm

    Thank you Patrick and Winnie but I wasn’t fishing, honestly. I was really aiming my comment at Chris because I know how much he appreciates a good pun (which,come to think of it is probably why he didn’t comment !!).However your kind words are much appreciated. Just got in from going racing and great to see the excellent limericks today. Well done !!!

    Like

    • howzaaat permalink
      February 5, 2014 9:46 pm

      Is that racing as in horses, dogs, pigeons, cars, bikes or boats ?

      Like

      • Helen permalink
        February 5, 2014 9:52 pm

        I want to know too , & if you were gambling, were you lucky 🙂

        Like

  9. howzaaat permalink
    February 5, 2014 10:07 pm

    Hello Helen — long time no speak ! Still on holiday, I think, aren’t you ? Hope you’re having a whale of a time ! Loved your clever limerick today, by the way.

    When do you get back to Blighty ?

    Like

    • Helen Blackburn permalink
      February 5, 2014 10:23 pm

      Awww howzaaat That’s so nice, thank you . Yes still on holiday ……… I do try to combine a bit of work in the mix ..as they say in d.j. land here ..l.o.l. I get home speaking American , with a California lilt, reminding myself which side of the road to drive on , & no turning on a red light !!

      Like

      • howzaaat permalink
        February 5, 2014 10:29 pm

        Yeah, I remember it well (used to live in Fla. in the ’80s) — in fact I STILL have some of the twang that can emerge on occasion !

        Like

    • Helen Blackburn permalink
      February 5, 2014 10:26 pm

      Ah yes , couple more weeks , then back to “old clothes , & porridge “………

      Like

      • howzaaat permalink
        February 5, 2014 10:31 pm

        What a lovely picture !

        Like

      • Helen Blackburn permalink
        February 5, 2014 10:35 pm

        That’s an expression I stole from some irish singers I know …I can do better l.o.l.

        Like

      • Helen Blackburn permalink
        February 5, 2014 10:55 pm

        Apparently Howzaaat That’s what their dad used to say , when they had finished a tour …

        Like

  10. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 6, 2014 10:54 am

    Horse racing. I go to Kempton quite often as it’s only twenty minutes down the road. Yes I won a few bob but to be honest I only go because I love the sport.

    Like

    • Helen Blackburn permalink
      February 6, 2014 11:56 am

      Am glad you were lucky Rev.Jeff. I live about 20 mins. Away from Kempton too…..& 20 mins from Sandown park….

      Like

  11. Helen permalink
    February 6, 2014 12:20 pm

    Soooo Rev.Jeff . You had better watch out for me driving on the wrong side of the road, when I get back from my loooooong holiday !!

    Like

  12. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 6, 2014 12:39 pm

    Hi Helen.Yes I really like Sandown as well. When my other half retires in April I suspect we will spend lots of time going to race meetings in the area as both Newbury and Ascot are close by. My youngest son works in racing up in Newmarket and until he smashed his pelvis, after a horse landed on top of him, he was riding out all sorts of thoroughbreds for various trainers. He starts riding again in April so I may get a few ‘tips’ to pass on to you !!

    Like

  13. Rev. Jeff permalink
    February 6, 2014 12:40 pm

    Oh and if I were you I’d stay on holiday…it’s doing nothing but rain here !!

    Like

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