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Another cricket debacle

January 28, 2014

I had dressed in my full cricket gear, freshly pressed whites, cricket shirt, sweater, cricket shoes and cricket box (the last accoutrement I have mentioned may have confused some of my French readers, so perhaps I should explain that a cricket box is an erm… abdominal protector. A cricket ball is hard and could damage some other balls if allowed free access), and was ready to pick up 91-year-old David Goulding DFC, to go to the over 60’s net practice at the Arundel Cricket School when the instructions were delivered.

Those orders involved going across the road to the Co Op and getting some mushrooms for our 5:2 diet day breakfast. “But I have all my cricket gear on, it is the middle of winter and will look stupid” I said, but one look at That Nice Lady Breakfast Preparer was enough, and so I braved the sniggering of the other customers as I waited in the queue to pay. The price of the mushrooms on the packaging was different to what they wanted to charge me, so I could not resist saying “how’s that?”. This will also be incomprehensible to my French readers, or people who do not understand cricket. Suffice to say to those that do understand, it was an appeal that was successful.

party moustache

Another picture from the big bash at The Townhouse,featuring quite a few false moustaches

Actually, I have been asked by one of my limericists, still hard at it each day in the comments section of this Currencies Direct inspired column, to explain the rules of cricket. She is French and has a better vocabulary than I, and has often correctly pointed out when my grammar has been found wanting, which as many of you know is not infrequent. This I have found a website that explains it all perfectly.

Ok, that is the end of the public information section, on with the news. The nets went well, and I was not this week bowled by anyone over 70, so that was a move forward. My passenger enjoyed meeting up with some old friends, and, duty done, I returned home to prepare for MIDEM. I thought the best preparation would be a siesta as it has been an astonishing weekend and frankly, I am still jaded and elated in equal measure. The last straggler, Mr Otway, departed this morning and the clearing up began. I shall need to make several hour runs to the bottle bank methinks.

Today is my actual birthday, so I have made it to 60, despite the seeming intentions of many of my friends to put a premature end to my life. I would say that around 70% of the gifts I have received involve wine, champagne or spirits and 20% involve cigars. Thus my wine cellar has in many ways remained static, as they managed to drink most of what I had in stock. Still, break even is not a bad result.

I believe we must return to The excellent Townhouse for lunch, to settle the bill for the big bash and I believe I may be treated to that lunch, probably at my expense, by That Nice Lady Decorator. Then from Wednesday onwards there will have to be more rest and recouperation ahead of the next looming liver damaging event, the annual music industry gathering of MIDEM in Cannes this coming weekend. Departing Friday and returning Monday, it will be a full on weekend, so I have decided that I should be cosseted whilst away from home and working, so have booked the Carlton on the Croisette. Only a modest room you understand, not the top floor suite often frequented by Madonna and Elton John at 6000 euros a night.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. Helen permalink
    January 28, 2014 10:06 am

    The Carlton Hotel, La Croisette
    is the hotel I long for, you bet !!
    I just can’ t ignore it
    I simply adore it
    Oh please take me there
    Easy Jet……..

    Like

  2. Helen permalink
    January 28, 2014 10:28 am

    Chris France is a wily old fox
    .His lifestyle, it certainly rocks
    but when he played cricket
    he lost sight of his wicket
    it had hid in his cricketing box .

    Like

  3. Rev. Jeff. permalink
    January 28, 2014 11:49 am

    Great stuff Helen, especially the first one. Two questions though. How did you know my soubriquet is Jet Spotter and how did you ascertain, correctly as it happens, that I’m easy !!?

    Issy washes his flannels and socks,
    His shirt and his jumper and jocks,
    But those mushrooms he sought,
    He needn’t have bought,
    They grow wild in his smelly old box !!

    Happy Birthday old boy…hope the card arrived.

    Like

    • January 28, 2014 12:29 pm

      HOWZAAAT !? OUT — bowled middle stump, as you might say !! A real winner — brilliant, Rev. Jeff.

      Like

  4. January 28, 2014 12:14 pm

    Good work, Madame Helen ! As Monsieur the Rev. Jeff is saying, you’re writing better and better the limericks. Now for mine :

    Chris’s box contains more than just smokes —
    A handy contrivance for you blokes :
    Store your marbles, a tool,
    Or some pencils from school
    To jot down your most Freudian jokes !

    Sorry Betty — please excuse the innuendos !!!

    Like

    • Helen Blackburn permalink
      January 28, 2014 12:41 pm

      Thank you Madame Winnie..It’s great fun , isn’t it……

      Like

  5. January 28, 2014 12:25 pm

    Chris’s cricket box, armoured and locked,
    Keeps his valuables safe. His has blocked
    The girls from accessing
    Jewels outwith his blessing…
    For a fact, if they had, they’d be hocked !

    Like

  6. Winnie l'Ourson permalink
    January 28, 2014 12:44 pm

    “… I have found a website that explains it [cricket] all perfectly.”

    Ah, Monsieur Chris, I thank you for your trying explanation, but I am still trying to make the progress in my understanding of this quaint game of cricket. May I say, from a French point of view, this is all balls, (if you’ll pardon the expression, Betty !) but I suspect it is so intentionally to confuse us foreigners, n’est-ce pas ? We will get you back somehow, just you WAIT, mon Dieu !!

    Like

  7. Helen permalink
    January 28, 2014 12:45 pm

    L.o.L. Rev. Jeff.

    Like

  8. Rev. Jeff. permalink
    January 28, 2014 1:43 pm

    Wonderful everybody !! I wonder if Chris appreciates the talent on display here ?

    Like

  9. January 28, 2014 11:19 pm

    Many Happy Returns Christopher.
    It’s encouraging to find someone who is actually older than me these days.
    Another year and a bit for me….
    Xxx

    Like

  10. August 28, 2014 1:22 am

    Haha. I woke up down today. You’ve chreeed me up!

    Like

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