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Double dip diet diatribe

December 3, 2013

As expected, northern git Steve “Trouble Up T’ Mill” Jackson arrived to take us out to lunch yesterday at my expense. He did drive us to the George at Burpham, where we were ably looked after by Nearly Hairless Nick, but the problem was the transport. Even the gits’ god children call it Papa Smurf, and that is being kind. Obviously, being from up north it is unlikely he could afford such a vehicle, but who oh why would he steal a Range Rover Evoque? particularly as it is bright blue. He seemed to be under the impression that the Spice Girl inspired abomination is somehow cool. Anyway, after I had stopped laughing, I realised I had to get in it, and that I would be recognised at the pub, so I had him park it way around the back, and hope not to be seen.

It was a lovely lunch, with the home-made scotch eggs, still runny, being sensational, and I know our northern friend must have secretly enjoyed his beer because quality like that afforded by Arundel Sussex Gold is hard to find in his neck of the woods.

Returning to Arundel, we popped into the Kings Arms for a late afternoon refresher, to find Charley Pistorius Malcolmson, the landlord, in deep discussions with Fearless Feckless Fricker, the landlord of the Stonemasons at Petworth, about the Christmas “No Parsley” lunch. This will take place sometime next week, and That Nice Lady Decorator and I have been honoured to be invited to attend. I think my fulsome embracement of the ideal that Parsley should never again adorn my plate was the clincher to have been invited into the inner sanctum of such a worthwhile organisation. I mean parsley; what is the point? I had thought that the lunch would take place in Petworth, but I was wrong, Butlers in Arundel is the intended target for the misuse of parsley.

Obviously I have had too much fun over the last 4 days, eating and drinking, so there has (apparently) to be a reckoning. Today is the start of a new intensive and extremely concerning phase of the 5:2 diet that has so laid waist (!) to my waste line over the previous weeks. Two days of consecutive restriction to 600 calories. It has reminded me that I must sign my will.

Bob willis

Cricket fans will quickly recognise this cricketing legend, whom I spotted at the London Palladium last week.

Something weird is happening in the comments subsection of this column. From being the platform for a number of talented limericists, encouraged not at all by me, over the weekend it has suddenly become some kind of theological playground. This is curious because I have long held the view that religion is responsible for most of the ills in society, the majority of wars, and that the intolerance that often seems to emanate as a result, particularly in some sections of the more overtly religious world, and that it should have no part in the lives of balanced reasonable people, amongst whose numbers I count myself. So why pick on my column to have this discussion? I am deeply wounded and thinking of praying for guidance. That should help redress the balance back towards the far less destructive pastime of Limerick writing.

With the Christmas festivity schedule beginning to hot up from Thursday onwards, I should be happy to spend the next two days in quiet contemplation, including the deepest contemplation of the benefits of having ones very own foreign exchange services in the form of  Currencies Direct, but instead I shall be yearning for the Christmas madness to begin, without the religious element of course.

Chris France

8 Comments leave one →
  1. howzaaat permalink
    December 3, 2013 10:23 am

    “I am deeply wounded and thinking of praying for guidance.”

    Chris kneels in deep meditative prayer,
    Fighting demons of doubt and despair
    And, in silent communion,
    He seeks mystical union
    And faith in a peace he can share.


  2. howzaaat permalink
    December 3, 2013 10:45 am

    “Your fast bowler is trying to kill us !”
    Whinged an Indian batsman named Phyllis.
    Never batting an eye,
    Our attacker yelled “Die !”
    There was no need for sledging with Willis !


  3. Chris permalink
    December 3, 2013 11:27 am

    There is no God. It is only a “state of mind”. That’s why we have science . It is self correcting, able to change and replace faulty conclusions with truer conclusions when new evidence presents itself. I wish I could say the same about religion.


  4. Patrick permalink
    December 3, 2013 11:56 am

    A bright blue Range Rover Evoque, eh ?
    That sounds ever so terribly gay !
    You should all get a prize
    For mimicking clear skies,
    Which are so rarely seen in the UK !


  5. Patrick permalink
    December 3, 2013 12:11 pm

    Every man has beliefs he holds dear,
    Where his faith is unshakably clear.
    Reverend Jeff’s are devout
    Of that there’s no doubt –
    Whereas Chris puts his faith in more beer !!


  6. Winnie permalink
    December 3, 2013 12:20 pm

    “Does my liking agnostics seem odd ?
    No ! At least such folk don’t give the nod
    To beliefs that induce
    Men, with ME their excuse,
    To slaughter each other,” says God.


  7. Winnie permalink
    December 3, 2013 12:47 pm

    Good Pagan gods of fertility,
    Harvest and growth, not sterility,
    Would benefit our crops,
    Such as wheat, beer and hops –
    Thus enhancing our health and stability !


  8. Rev. Jeff permalink
    December 3, 2013 1:24 pm

    Wow…a surfeit of brilliance today !! Well done everyone. Theological limericks…what have you started Chris ??

    Wisdom said ” Don’t you think it’s a shame,
    Defending what’s merely a name ?
    God and science are one,
    The father and son,
    In the end it’s just one and the same.

    Theology and science are both in the game of discovery or as I believe uncovery. The only difference is that science believes it will uncover a void at the heart of creation and theology believes it will uncover God, whatever that is, and what the implications of that discovery are. Not worth a moments fighting over.


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