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Thermal the merrier

November 13, 2013

“He will need thermals for that” said That Nice Lady Decorator innocently as we walked around the grounds of Arundel Castle in a late “dog emptying” exercise. She was referring to the para glider who was braving the cold late afternoon air, high above the Norfolk Estate. I agreed that he was probably jolly cold all that way up, and I think it was the cheeky smirk I was exhibiting as she realised there was another meaning, that I had deliberately misinterpreted, that irked her. He must indeed have experienced some thermals to remain aloft that long. Without them he would sort of, well, plummet.

And plummeting from the dietary moral high ground is high on my list of intentions today. Having now lost half a stone in the last three week period since returning to drudgery in England, I am so malnourished I feel I need to do something about it, after I have completed my work in respect of Currencies Direct. That goes without saying, although I am saying it.

That something is the meeting of the Arundel Luncheon Club, this time at Butlers in Tarrant Street in Arundel this lunchtime. I have been but once before and formed a decent impression, but have since received mixed reports, so what better way to ascertain if it should be on my recommended list of eateries in and around the town, than to go and sample their wares? Of course, some pre-lunch lubrication will be necessary, a small ticture of some kind, and as a stalwart founder member of the said club is a pub landlord, Charlie “Pistorius” Malcomson, the landlord of the Kings Arms which is located precariously nearby, I suspect and hope that a couple of pints of London Pride may be mine before the scrutiny of Butlers commences in earnest.

issy and Pistorius

Pistorius gets the once over from That Nice Lady Prosthetic Inspector

He is known, at least to me, as Pistorius due to the mechanical leg he has had ever since a motor cycle accident in his teens. Rather than cover it up, his habit is to wear 3/4 length trousers on every occasion he can, showing the mechanics of his movement to all and sundry. He does, however, have a problem at the moment though, a problem identified by That Nice Lady Prosthetic Inspector. He has developed a squeak. As he walks there is a discernible noise which was brought to his attention in a recent Decorating inspection, when we were at the pub for that game of Scrabble on Tuesday evening. I was trying to head her off at the pass, as is my want when she is looking like she might say something out of turn, and I could see a metaphorical thought bubble emanating from her mouth before the words were out. A clear case of bubble and squeak one might say, if one were not an accomplished and not sought after writer such as myself. Unable to intercept her imparting the squeaky news, I left her to it.

Pistorius is a strong-minded chap and is obviously not easily offended, as his response, that his MOT was coming up and anyway, he had some WD 40 in the shed that should sort it out, was delivered without hesitation. He will be accompanied at lunch by his lovely wife, the PR for Amanda Holden, Russ Abbott and more, the gorgeous Alison. Any attempts at humour by those omnipotent limericists, having so much fun in the comments section of this column at the moment, at making any suggestion that he may want to get legless will be dealt with harshly.

Chris France

13 Comments leave one →
  1. helen permalink
    November 14, 2013 9:26 am

    Pub Landlord Charlie Pistorius, was wearing his shorts in the pub
    He started to squeak, Iss -y took a peek
    His prosthetic had started to rub .
    They searched for some WD40
    Not a drop could they find , not a shred
    so they said try some Whisky
    did’nt work , made him frisky
    he got oiled on the inside instead .


  2. howzaaat permalink
    November 14, 2013 10:09 am

    Lost his leg ?! Yup, shattered in pieces !
    Look, there’s his mechanical prosthesis.
    It’s brilliant, stunning;
    He’s now up and running.
    The wonder of life never ceases.


  3. Helen permalink
    November 14, 2013 11:25 am

    Bravo howzaat !


    • howzaaat permalink
      November 14, 2013 11:51 am

      Merci, Madame ! And bravo to you, too, for yours, although I’m bound to say the line “getting oiled on the inside instead” does risk incurring the unspecified, harsh penalties of which Chris warns above. But, fear not fair lady — maybe he’ll be more lenient with someone of the fairer sex, especially as he has recently enjoyed your generous hospitality to boot !


  4. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 14, 2013 2:33 pm

    Welcome back Helen and very good Howzaat. Now let’s see if I can tempt Betty to comeout and play !

    He may have a peg leg, but hey,
    That landlord is doing o.k !
    Although it’s prothetic
    Girls find it magnetic,
    Young Issy just can’t stay away !!

    Hey darling…you having a joke
    Said Charlie the one-legged bloke
    But issy said ‘ Please
    It’s so hard…can I squeeze
    The end…or just give it a stroke !!


  5. Betty Boop permalink
    November 14, 2013 4:38 pm

    Reverend Jeff, are you there ?

    I’m sorry, but I don’t think I quite understand… how can the end of a mechanical leg be induced to respond to being SQUEEZED, please ? It’s likely to be made of tough plastic with maybe some metal too — man-made inanimate stuff anyway and stroking it’s not going to get anyone anywhere either ! Is there something I’m missing ?


  6. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 14, 2013 4:39 pm

    Just one more….!!

    Now Issy is rather notorious,
    (Though I’m really not being censorious),
    For jumping through doors
    Where others might pause,
    In this case with Mr. Pistorious !

    Or have I got a leg over here ?


  7. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 14, 2013 4:47 pm

    Possibly Betty….perhaps a visit to a shop called ( I think) Ann Summers, might be of more assistance to you than an unworldly old codger like myself. But I certainly apologise unreservedly if I have been factually innaccurate……let me know where your research takes you…. even at my age I’m always keen to learn !


  8. helen permalink
    November 14, 2013 6:45 pm

    Think my first line , should have been 2 lines … but I did start rather early in the morning…that’s my excuse anyway ..
    Good Job everyone xxxx


  9. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 14, 2013 7:25 pm

    Don’t worry Helen I thought you were just subverting the usual conventions to bring in a bit of a change. It’s just great hearing different ideas. When are we going to hear something from the blag master himself along the limerick lines ?


  10. helen permalink
    November 14, 2013 11:10 pm

    Taking some lessons here… Merci Beaucoup .


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