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Global warming; a solution?

November 8, 2013

Those bathroom scales and I have fallen out. How is it possible that I spend two days out of three on a starvation ration of 600 calories, march 12 miles in 3 days at 4 miles an hour up hill and down dale, clad in 10 pounds of wet weather clothing, to lose no weight whatsoever? There are only two explanations; either the scales are lying cheats, and were made in Germany after all, or my body is such a finely honed fighting machine that there is no fat to lose. I prefer the latter explanation, although it is not a view shared by many, if any if I am honest. In fact I don’t even believe it myself.

Paradoxically, yesterday, after a sumptuous lunch in Kingston Upon Thames, including a couple of glasses of the most wonderful Chateau Musar, the only Lebanese wine of any repute, a few pints and a bottle of wine last night, I have lost a pound. I think what the fat gods are trying to tell me is that eating and drinking is good for weight loss. Again, it is not an opinion share by That Nice Lady Decorator.

I have maligned dear old Lenny Peters from popular seventies singing duo Peters and Lee. I had suggested yesterday that he had refused surgery to cure his blindness, on the basis that his income might be reduced as a result of a reduction in the sympathy vote. However, I was informed yesterday that he did indeed have that surgery, but that he undid the good work of the surgeons by getting out of bed to help a fellow patient who had fallen out of bed. A more suspicious chap than I might suspect that he had the surgery, could see perfectly well, but allowed this story to circulate in order to increase the warm feeling in the eyes of the public, a case of seeing his cake and eating it, one might say.

Clymping beach

A rare sunny day in winter

I have discovered that eating lamb shank at lunch time has a volcanic effect on my gas emissions. After a lovely lunch yesterday chez the stately and wonderful Helen Blackburn, widow of Bryan, who wrote the lyrics to Welcome Home and a plethora of  other songs such as Love is Blue, covered by scores of famous artists, and a string of TV shows and sketches, I was in the Merc on the way to my second meeting of the day. It was a journey that was a punctuated on a regular basis by the enforced opening of the car windows. I am sure drivers behind me must have thought that the electric windows were faulty.

I have long been a major source of methane production, and have contributed mightily to the myth of global warming caused by greenhouse gases, so it should not have come as a surprise to That Nice Lady Decorator. She had unwisely chosen to accompany me on the trip in the hope of getting a nice lunch (she did) and some retail therapy (she did not). Her claim that if she could have found a shop selling pegs and corks she would have bought a supply and used them to arrest the aroma and solve the global emission problem, was a slightly hurtful sentiment, but she did have a point.

Anyway, the result of the day was that I have talked myself into doing a great deal of work in respect of the late Bryan Blackburn, for what may end up being a meagre reward, and then found a new customer for Currencies Direct, when I was trying to organise a Steve Marriott box set release. One of my duties is to his estate, and it is perhaps a sad reflection of my age that most of my clients are dead. The good news is that one is no longer awoken at 4 in the morning by some errant artist one represents, and dragged to the police station to bail them out. Also there is no compunction to pay their coke dealers, but that will all have to wait for my autobiography.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. Patrick permalink
    November 8, 2013 9:10 am

    Methane’s energy benefits Man.
    So Chris farts. Yes, he does what he can !
    But he cans what he does
    And he’ll sell it to us;
    Passing gas is his financial plan.

    Like

  2. helen permalink
    November 8, 2013 9:45 am

    Hi Chris .
    Kathy & I laughed long & loud at your story this morning …Poor Issy !!
    Fortunately , neither Kathy or I suffer with the same affliction …In fact we went back for more
    of the same food in the evening , whilst we watched some old Dusty Springfield, & Bryan Blackburn converted videos ..
    I will put money on the fact that you have given some great material to our limericks gang today !!
    I can see our limericks book, & the riches forthcoming from it , happening very soon …
    Will have to have you over more often L.O.L.
    Helen x

    Like

  3. Kathryn Soni permalink
    November 8, 2013 9:56 am

    There was an old boy called Chris
    Who manages lots of ‘hits’
    Though he likes to get pissed
    With his dear wife Iss
    The results is too much ‘fizz……’

    Like

  4. helen permalink
    November 8, 2013 10:08 am

    Methane, Global Warming & Chris …
    Poor Issy cried “Chris please desist”
    With the windows ajar
    as she sat in the car
    But dear Chris
    he just could’nt resist !!!

    Like

  5. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 8, 2013 11:50 am

    Welcome aboard Kathryn and well done P and H. Very good !

    The tied up his trousers with string
    At the ankles..imagine….poor thing !
    At the end of the day
    He floated away
    To Blogland… where hot air is king !

    Like

  6. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 8, 2013 11:53 am

    Or even ‘they’ tied up his ankles with string. Must get my eyes checked…!

    Like

  7. howzaaat permalink
    November 8, 2013 1:20 pm

    Stupendous limericks, guys and gals ! Can’t really keep up, but here’s my paltry effort for today :-

    The emissions of gas from one’s bot,
    Depends on one’s fitness, so I’m taught;
    On one’s age, health and size,
    Plus one’s intake of pies
    And the drink one consumes, you old sot !

    Like

  8. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 8, 2013 5:29 pm

    When his bum is aflame from the gas
    Emitted from out of his ass !
    You’d think that poor Issy
    Would be in a tizzy,
    But no….she’s a martyr that lass !!

    Through the land rang a desperate cry,
    There’s no gas… we’re all going to die. !!

    If the gas supply ceased…oh boohoo !!
    Whatever would everyone do ?
    We’d need a supply
    From a gross-farting guy,
    His name ? Oh come on…you know who !!

    Like

  9. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 8, 2013 5:31 pm

    The middle two lines are one that I started but couldn’t finish. Any ideas ?

    Like

  10. howzaaat permalink
    November 8, 2013 6:06 pm

    Hi Rev ! Great limericks as per your usual amazing self. Here’s my best effort on your unfinished one :-

    Through the land rang a desperate cry,
    “There’s no gas and we’re all going to die !!
    Quick ! We’ve one slender chance –
    We must send for Chris France
    And connect him to t’grid – he’ll know why !”

    …. NOT that I’m suggesting Chris is in any way slender !

    Like

  11. Betty Boop permalink
    November 8, 2013 7:05 pm

    Now look here, you chaps and chapesses: you’ve all had a bit of fun today, but I think enough is enough !

    Can we PLEASE clean up this section of Chris’s otherwise faultlessly wonderful, highly amusing blog or I’m afraid I’ll have to find some other less soiled quarters elsewhere for my on-line reading entertainment !

    I’m upset when a limerick is lewd;
    They are sometimes obscene, even crude.
    But an innocent rhyme
    I enjoy every time –
    I admit I’m an old-fashioned prude.

    Like

  12. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 8, 2013 8:59 pm

    Great stuff Howzaaat and Betty. Some fantastis limericks today !!

    Like

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