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Depression scales new heights

November 5, 2013

In a diet weakened state, and after my customary morning power walk of 4 miles, I settled back into my work with Currencies Direct barely able to lift my pen. I had purchased some new bathroom scales recently and was expecting them to do the decent thing last evening and tell me how much weight I had lost. According to my calorie counter app, the walk should have burnt 350 calories and I had only taken in 600 against a normal male intake of 2600. So how much did I lose yesterday? I will tell you, 1/4 of a pound, or lets put it another way, just under 30 euro cents at today’s Currencies Direct exchange rate.

At first I thought the scales would have to be German, because they normally disappoint, but no, they were made in England, but clearly they must be faulty. That or my constitution needs to be examined and cloned as the secrets it appears to hold should be able to solve the worlds starvation problems if it can be harnessed. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Then I remembered that beer makes me laugh, and that is disallowed on this diet, so crying it was.

I was going to go and take part in the seniors tennis this morning at the Arundel Lawn Tennis Club, which I have joined in the last week, but as I write this on Monday evening, the weather forecast is dire, so will probably instead go and witness one of the highest of tides, even higher than today’s when I took this picture of the waterfront cafe in the town, invaded by the River Arun. Blustery they said, so that should make it interesting at the coast.

flooded cafe

Waterfront Cafe in Arundel lives up to its name

If I had my way, then today, I would walk over to The George and Dragon (this pub still has its dragon unlike the Former George and Dragon at Burpham, which is now just the George) for a spot of lunch. I wonder if she will remain in the kitchen or pop out to breathe fire over the customers? But of course I don’t often get my way, I was never a big Sinatra fan. Oh look, don’t forget I am in a diet weakened and depressed state. You cannot, and do not, expect to get good jokes in this column, and if you do, you are way then more deluded than my new bathroom scales.

Later this week, I must fire up the trusty Merc and set course for London, for a series of meetings (try 2) which could change the course of the development of popular music. They could but they almost certainly will not, but I do like a challenge. Before that there is but one more diet day to tip the scales in my direction. Yes, tomorrow is yet another diet day, to be followed by a day of work. I must have been truly wicked in a previous life (the pagan version , not the Christian version before the Reverend Jeff gets to excited), to deserve such a burden, and it is raining, and I have just seen a picture of the delectable Suzanne Butterfield relaxing in her bikini floating on a blow up chair in a pool in Valbonne this week. What with the weather gods against me, the diet gods, the scale maker gods, the work gods and of course the rain gods all juxtaposed against my contentment, can the Reverend not see that I don’t need any other negative gods in my life? At least I still have my good looks, charm and sense of humour left, at least in my own opinion.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. helen permalink
    November 5, 2013 8:34 am

    Seems like Chris & the Gods disagree
    hope he’ll wake , from his sad reverie
    Give him lots of good food
    to lighten his mood
    then he’ll lighten my work load
    for me …:) boom boom

    Like

    • howzaaat permalink
      November 5, 2013 9:49 am

      Again, Helen, another great one — you’re GOOO-O-OD !!

      Like

  2. November 5, 2013 9:51 am

    Chris’s lying old scales have now gone !
    The new accurate scales are turned on.
    This is now his sad fate :
    He must read “honest weight”
    And no longer his diet plan con.

    Like

  3. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 5, 2013 10:58 am

    Just seen yesterdays limericks-and today’s of course. Helen you are a welcome addition-keep them coming they’ve all been excellent. And chaps keep up the good work. Rushing out but will try and contribute later.

    Like

  4. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 5, 2013 1:00 pm

    Says Chris’ Why I just cannot see
    Why the gods are all picking on me’ !!
    Will he lose all that lard
    If he really tries hard ?
    Well maybe. Let’s just ‘weight’ and see !!

    or

    The ‘scales’ have now dropped from his eyes
    No time now for little white lies.
    He knows now he needs
    To ration his feeds
    And stop eating all of the pies !!

    Like

    • November 5, 2013 7:17 pm

      Reluctantly I must congratulate you. They are always better when you are in a rush

      Like

  5. Rev. Jeff permalink
    November 6, 2013 12:17 pm

    Thanks. I think that’s what they call a back handed compliment but better than nothing !

    Like

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