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The pirate and the kit kats

October 23, 2013

It was late in the evening when we arrived at The Kings Arms in Arundel on Tuesday night, just after the quiz night questions had been asked. Amongst those competing to try to ensure they did not get the wooden spoon prize of two kit kats, was the sultry goddess Sandra in the company of someone I did not instantly recognise, as he was wearing a suit and not wearing his customary eye patch. After the first glorious first swig of a pint of London Pride, I eventually recognised him and was going to ask one-eyed, Colin The Pirate, how many eyes are in Colin, but that is a bit cheeky as I already knew the answer.

It was quite revealing to discover just how many friends we have made in Arundel, and most of them were in the pub, so we did not actually get home until 11.30. It was about 2am when the torrent arrived. A vicious thunderstorm earlier in the evening gave way to a massive swirling monsoon, which blew the pub gates next door open and blew rubbish all over the street. Welcome back to England, where we shall be languishing for the next 6 months (not 7 as I have been saying and was corrected by a very chirpy Nice Lady Decorator, delighted to be back in the land of eternal rain). In other words we are to be based in this rain-sodden land until the last week of April 2014, by which time, if I make it, I will be firmly inside my 7th decade.

Sussex in autumn

The Sussex countryside, although I don’t know where

I had decided that a stone in weight, which I has somehow accumulated during the summer, has to dealt with. Old friend and plastic surgeon Douglas “Mac The Knife” Mcgeorge once told me that the only way to lose weight is for “less in and more out”. He really is quite technical when he puts his mind to it. I took this to heart yesterday, electing to don my wet weather gear and walk back from the garage in Angmering (during which I took today’s picture) where the skip (That Decorating persons 4 x 4) required some minor attention. I have a wonderful new application on my phone: Ordnance Survey Maps, that can show you where you are when you are lost. It has worked perfectly well in the past, but requires ones phone to be charged in order to operate effectively. Ones phone was not fully charged, and the application ceased to work as soon as I got lost. 4 miles became something more like 7 and a one hour walk became a two-hour marathon. The only silver lining is that giant cocker spaniel (so big he looks like he has been crossed with a Friesian cow), Banjo, was so knackered by the time we got back that he is doubtful for today’s walk, so not all bad then.

It was also a diet day yesterday. 600 calories a day, twice a week is known as the 5:2 diet, so I shall be faced with wishing I was dead two sevenths of each week for the next six months, with notable exceptions in the case of the First Test against Australia in Brisbane ( if I decide to go) and a significant birthday of a northern git in Barbados in March. Otherwise, almost unremitting misery will be my lot, not even brightened up with the prospect of meeting and converting new Currencies Direct clients, as few, if any, potential clients live in England, the theory bring that if they could afford a second home abroad, they would be living there already.

At least lunch has been suggested today, albeit by me, to compensate for the dreadful burden of a diet day, but I guess a too excitable embracing of that concept might defeat the object, thus my hopes are not high .

Chris France

26 Comments leave one →
  1. howzaaat permalink
    October 24, 2013 9:39 am

    Yes, a good balanced diet is grand !
    I’m relieved that you’re taking a stand,
    But I don’t trust your view
    That it’s balanced when you
    Juggle a pint in each chubby hand !!


  2. helen permalink
    October 24, 2013 10:12 am

    I think that Howzaaat is quite right
    when he talks about you & your plight
    whilst you’re drinking good beer
    and your home base is here
    your weight loss wont work
    but it might???


    • October 24, 2013 11:32 am

      Good one, Helen ! Nice to see a gently increasing number of limerick contributors …

      How’s the weather there ? As bad as Chris says ?


      • helen permalink
        October 24, 2013 11:40 am

        Thank you , liked yours too ..
        It’s a very lovely sunny morning right now just about to go searching for conkers …not for the game , but apparently they keep spiders away from the house …
        The walk is on the way to the pub , so might manage a glass of wine too, after my exertions …


    • October 24, 2013 12:23 pm

      Welcome to the limerick hothouse!



      • August 28, 2014 6:44 am

        Haahhaha. I’m not too bright today. Great post!


    • October 24, 2013 5:57 pm

      Very good!!



  3. Patrick permalink
    October 24, 2013 1:06 pm

    Chris really enjoys eating food ;
    When he’s down, it can brighten his mood –
    But the calorie count,
    When he eats, tends to mount –
    Then his worries of waistline intrude.


  4. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 24, 2013 1:42 pm

    Welcome to the club Helen ! We need more female contributors.

    So Helen is searching for conkers
    Well I hope that she find a few stonkers !
    But I’d just like to query
    Her mad spider theory
    In fact I suspect that she’s bonkers !!!

    No I’m not above using dubious words if it helps out !!


    • Helen Blackburn permalink
      October 24, 2013 2:06 pm

      Hahaha .You are not far wrong in your suspicions ,dear Reverend….


    • Betty Boop permalink
      October 24, 2013 2:09 pm

      Nothing dubious there, Rev. In fact, it’s much better than your coarser ones before !


  5. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 24, 2013 3:04 pm

    I was thinking of my use of the word stonkers beautiful Betty and I have apologised for going too far in my previous efforts. I’m afraid I listened to too much Around The Horn in my formative years. I promise only to submit limericks which are in the best possible taste from now on.


  6. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 24, 2013 4:05 pm

    Miss Boop has now left me no choice
    But to use a a more circumspect voice.
    Though others may sigh
    And ask ‘Oh but why’ ?
    Dear Betty at least will rejoice.


    • Betty Boop permalink
      October 24, 2013 4:47 pm

      Oh, I love it ! And I give it 5 stars !

      Yes, I WILL rejoice — but what is this “Horn” to which you have listened too much ? I hesitate to ponder what kind of horn it could be …

      On second thoughts, I don’t believe you’ve reformed in the LEAST bit !


    • October 24, 2013 4:52 pm

      I’m afraid it gets a Kitkat from me !! Personally speaking, I prefer a bit of raunch !


  7. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 24, 2013 6:06 pm

    Now Patrick, stop being a tease !
    And Betty, I’m down on my knees !
    I need more and more
    Of your fabled ‘amour’
    And amour and amour if you please !


  8. Helen permalink
    October 24, 2013 8:31 pm

    Bravo reverend Jeff
    As before
    your limericks have left me in awe !!
    With a talent like yours
    we’ll be knocking down doors
    to get you to write us some more ….


  9. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 25, 2013 1:52 pm

    Thank you Helen you are much too kind.


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