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Gentle persuasion, not blackmail

October 21, 2013

The “eat the freezer” lunch threw up some interesting food combinations, but as far as I know at the moment, no one threw up as a result. It attracted a few locusts of local ill repute to pick over the remains of summer in France. It also has the effect of solving a problem that had arisen earlier, when, with the skip (That Nice Lady Decorators 4 x 4) packed absolute to the gunwales with all sorts of vital goods (blue garden pots for Christ’s sake!), ready for our departure north towards England this morning, there was going to be a row about how to squeeze in those cases of Haut Medoc. As a final gesture, my picture today evokes the spirit of the summer, now finished. As it turns out, the solution was simple; invite The Master Mariner Mundell and Peachy Butterfield to lunch and they will help you drink it all!  There is a fatal flaw in this solution but my head is hurting too much to figure it out.

juan les pins

Summer in the south of France

First to arrive was, of course, man mountain Peachy Butterfield, the man who will never turn down a free meal, who had obviously acquired a bottle of wine from somewhere. I hate to use the word stolen in this context, but I know arriving with a bottle would go against his card Bordeaux ethos of drinking only from boxes of what he called crushed fruit. However, it still had the Carrefour price on the bottle and I guessed he had decided that 1.29 euros (about £1.10 at today’s Currencies Direct exchange rates), although expensive by his standards, was a gesture of deep respect and gratitude for the invitation, him being wife-less for the weekend. That reminds me of the old expression heard in barber shops when I was young; “anything for the weekend sir?”. At his age, a bottle of wine would probably be preferable to what the barber was prepared to supply. As I said, he came with a bottle.

Next to arrive was The Master Mariner Mundell, who, with that misplaced air of superiority so imbued into the public schoolboy fraternity, and despite arriving with an uninvited guest, an old friend who he has bumped into on the way over, AND arriving empty-handed, (not even a 1.29 bottle of wine) proceeded to spend most of the afternoon lecturing me on good manners. It is fair to say that he did not see the irony, seeking to justify himself on the basis that as a council house oik, I should be glad to be in the presence of someone so grand.

Whenever he is under pressure from my stiletto sharp dissection of whatever point he is making (I must argue on every point as a matter of principle) he will resort to asking to repeat myself due to what he calls “poor enunciation”, whilst refusing to accept that his occasional stutter is anything other than a deliberate ploy to try to give his arguments some gravitas to make up for a lack of content . I do so like a good argument and I am going to miss him.

His guest was one of the Masters old friends, a willowy and stunning lady called Sam, who runs a website called On Board Online, aimed at the local yachting fraternity, and, with Sprog 1 in attendance and still in search of a job in the yachting sector, my antenna were (was?) twitching. Suffice to say that a plan has been hatched which should hasten his entry into gainful employment and avoid any embarrassing details of the revelations and behaviour exhibited yesterday. I particularly liked the references to watching gay porn videos, but am sure she will live up to her promise to get him a job and none of this need be aired in public. I do hate the word blackmail, I prefer to think of it more as gentle persuasion, a little like the actions in that video content, but my lips are sealed.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. Patrick permalink
    October 21, 2013 10:36 am

    “I do hate the word blackmail, I prefer to think of it more as gentle persuasion …”

    When threats and coercion interplay,
    Chris compels you to see things his way.
    He’s the arm-twisting kind –
    Quite persuasive, I find :
    He’ll keep stum about your being gay !

    Like

  2. October 21, 2013 1:43 pm

    “… my antenna were (was?) twitching.”

    Come on, Chris, that’s the singular form. The plural of antenna is antennae, as in :-

    Two antennae went out on a date,
    Then decided to wed their soulmate !
    Though the guests of this pair
    Thought the wedding was fair,
    All agreed the reception was great !

    Like

    • October 23, 2013 8:21 am

      another good one!

      Like

  3. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 21, 2013 2:03 pm

    Nice one Patrick…was wondering where you’d got to.

    The Master was looking forlorn,
    Regretting the day he’d been born,
    Said Chris “Don’t look sad
    It not all that bad
    Bugger me…Iet’s watch loads of gay porn ” !!

    Like

    • Betty Boop permalink
      October 21, 2013 2:12 pm

      Woah, Rev ! Decorum, decorum IF you please !

      Like

    • October 23, 2013 8:20 am

      like it

      Like

    • October 23, 2013 8:20 am

      great stuff!

      Like

  4. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 21, 2013 4:46 pm

    Sorry Betty I do get a bit carried away ! Very clever Howzaaat….I like it.

    ” How naughty, said Betty, how rude
    You’d never say I was a prude,
    But The Rev. goes too far
    I think Chris should bar,
    His limericks….far far too lewd “….!!!

    Like

    • howzaaat permalink
      October 21, 2013 6:16 pm

      The very words from Betty’s mouth ! Very good, Rev. 5 stars !

      I wonder where the good Chris is today; he hasn’t made a showing, which is unusual for him. He normally stoops to leave a sarky comment or two at least !

      Like

      • howzaaat permalink
        October 21, 2013 6:33 pm

        I hasten to add that I know he’s on the road back, but stopping where, I wonder ?

        Like

    • October 23, 2013 8:20 am

      very clever

      Like

  5. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 21, 2013 10:21 pm

    Somewhere very expensive I shouldn’t wonder.

    Like

    • October 22, 2013 11:12 am

      I don’t do cheap, unless it is. Joke in this column….

      Like

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