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Rhyme but no reason

October 4, 2013

This limerick nonsense is getting out of hand. It seems I have at least half a dozen people leprechauning away at limericks in the comments section of this column, mostly about Billy Brown Tail, an anachronism for err…unstable bowels. At the moment, in the enforced absence of strong drink for medical reasons, I am anything but (butt?), but that is the way of the world. I saw the wind was getting up last evening and I admit to a pang jealousy. It seems that an easterly wind presages a wet weekend, in more ways than one, and normally this would not be welcome but as I am having a day off the temperance wagon on Sunday, it will be wet one way or another.

So having gone through the limericks (the motions?) for much of the day, I sat in the web in the early evening nursing a Virgin Mary, whilst watching a bottle of wine being guzzled thirstily by That Nice Lady Decorator. What is really galling is that glass for glass, pint for pint, pound for pound she drinks far more than me despite being a short arse (she calls it petite), and yet her bloody blood test readings were all normal. How can that be fair? If there was a god I would make a complaint. As there is not then I will have to complain to his self styled representative on earth, the Reverend Jeff.

I am looking forward to seeing the limericks on that one. Whilst we are on the subject, this is the first line of my favourite: “there was a young curate from Birmingham”…. And the last line is “and pumping his Episcopal sperm in them”, but I cannot remember the bit in between. I am sure the Reverend Jeff, one of the most ardent and continually irritating limearacists, will have some ideas. By way of extra raw material, I give you today’s photo of a bronze moulding of a dog with some rather unnecessarily obvious testes rather too much to the fore. Skin me alive if I am wrong.

bronze of dog

Limerick fodder, the dogs bollocks

Now, this will be my fourth day in succession without a drink and the hallucinations have started. I had the impression that I had received an enormous bill on my American Express card, run up by Sprog 1 and Sprog 2 during the summer, but obviously I must be mistaken. However the sweat won’t die down, and I don’t know why. Having children nowadays is a very expensive hobby and one that I am hoping to give up very soon. It is time for the scales to turn back in my favour. They have both expressed the wish that they will one day earn enough money to keep us in the manner to which I should like to be accustomed, but as Martin Luther King used to say “I have a dream”.

Today I have been given the job of tree surgeon. It is a sort of anti Swampy thing (for those of you remember that that famous eco warrior for the 80’s and 90’s.). Swampy was the name given to a greasy looking but engaging protester, unhappy about the ancient woodland that had to be cut down to make way for the Newbury bypass. He was a tree hugger who caught the imagination of large swathes of the public after he was interviewed on the news. He is is probably now using that very road to get to and from work. Anyway, I digress, my orders are that several of swampy’s mates need pruning and, without Currencies Direct client Slash And Burn Thornton Allan to hand, I am going to have to upset a few of them myself.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. Betty Boop permalink
    October 4, 2013 10:38 am

    A right blogger whom I know quite well
    Breathed his last and was cast into Hell.
    He complained, “It’s not fair!”
    Satan scoffed, “I don’t care.
    Save your gripes—God’s indifferent as well !”

    Like

    • October 4, 2013 10:42 am

      Very good! Welcome to the limerick circle!

      Like

  2. Patrick permalink
    October 4, 2013 10:46 am

    For the next ten days, Chris’s news
    Is to swear off all kinds of booze.
    He claims, “When I’m smashed
    My senses get trashed
    And I pass up too many good screws.”

    Like

  3. Winnie permalink
    October 4, 2013 11:02 am

    “Today I have been given the job of tree surgeon. It is a sort of anti Swampy thing …”

    Chris’s tree surgeon skills are pathetic !
    His work has an oddball aesthetic:
    All the cuts on those trees
    Are now full of disease,
    And their branches—well, two’s not poetic.

    Like

    • October 4, 2013 11:35 am

      Another good one! Why can’t I write them?

      Like

    • October 4, 2013 2:57 pm

      nice!

      Like

  4. howzaaat permalink
    October 4, 2013 12:58 pm

    “Having children nowadays is a very expensive hobby and one that I am hoping to give up very soon.”

    Sprogs shatter your world of tranquillity,
    Begging funds to fuel their stability.
    The price of your seed
    Is the wealth they will bleed;
    And to try to save cash – mere futility !

    Like

    • October 4, 2013 2:56 pm

      I really like that one!

      Like

  5. Rev. Jeff permalink
    October 4, 2013 1:36 pm

    He can’t write a limerick, that’s tough
    Not having the muse must be rough,
    But he shouldn’t despair,
    Cos we really don’t care
    His blog’s entertaining enough !!

    There and you say I never say anything nice about you……

    Like

    • Betty Boop permalink
      October 4, 2013 1:44 pm

      Aww, that’s so NICE .

      Like

    • October 4, 2013 2:56 pm

      I am now suspicious. What is it you want?

      Like

      • Betty Boop permalink
        October 4, 2013 3:06 pm

        Oh, we just wanna have fun with you, is all !

        Like

      • Betty Boop permalink
        October 4, 2013 3:13 pm

        That”s me — fun, fun, FUN !!

        Like

  6. Betty Boop permalink
    October 4, 2013 1:46 pm

    Aww, that’s so NICE .

    Like

  7. Winnie permalink
    October 4, 2013 6:36 pm

    “The dog’s bollocks” sounds rather rude
    To my mind, and I’m really no prude.
    I just don’t understand
    When you mean something’s grand,
    Why liken it to something so crude !

    Like

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