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In tents diet

May 9, 2013

I find my best work is done when I am in a prone position having imbibed freely. So today’s column will not be one of my best because, although lying down for my customary afternoon nap yesterday afternoon some inspiration did come, but as I had not had a drink, the intellectual juices required to do this daily tone justice were slightly more viscous than usual.

The research that I promised to undertake worked on that pesky 600 calorie a day diet. I found a piece in the Daily Telegraph which advised against two consecutive days of extreme dieting on the grounds that one could be subject to alarming side effects such as fainting. It follows then, that driving a car whilst on this diet, could turn out to be a terrible health hazard, and although I got “that look”, from That Nice Lady Wall Repairer, (the Lady, not the wall) my argument won the day.

Astonishingly, after a dreadful start, yesterday turned out to be reasonably sunny, if windy, despite the dire predictions of the weather forecasters who were promising conditions of wind and rain of alarming proportions, just in time, had it actually arrived, because after three weeks of dry weather, it is only a matter of time before the mumbling about hose pipe bans would have started. However, I think they must have got West Sussex confused with some ghastly northern region like Westmoreland or something. It was not warm enough for shorts and my hoody was brought into use beneath my anorak, but comparatively pleasant after the early morning drizzle had buggered off up north, considering what we were expecting.

tent of sticks

Northern accomodation in the south

Talking of hoodies, Sprog 1 turned up the evening before on the scrounge. Parents, the more discerning, often Currencies Direct clients, with kids in their late teens and early twenties will know all the signs; nice as pie, no sulking, helpful, polite. What is he after? I thought, and I am even more concerned now because I was not asked. This is obviously going to a build up into a big and expensive favour, I can feel it.

Anyway, back to hoodies. This is a type of garment typically worn by the great unwashed from urban areas like Chester. It is not the sort of clothing that you would normally expect to see a less than fully respectable man of 59 sporting so successfully, and for some reason which I cannot fathom, when he caught sight of me wearing it, Sprog 1 sniggered. He was being too nice for me to find out what was really amusing him because of the build up to the request above, which I know is coming. He forgets that I own one of the UK’s most credible rap labels, Music Of Life, and that as a result I am “down with my homey’s”.I have no idea what that phrase means but I am certain that is an expression used by the hoody wearing contingent, many of whom are dear customers.

So the diet starts again tonight. My research has thrown up an interesting fact; the 600 calories can be consumed in any 24 hour period. There is also nothing to stop one starting straight after a meal, and so, my diet commenced last evening after a sumptuous dinner of ribs and noodles, prepared, I may add, by my good self after a breakdown in communications in the kitchen, that Nice Lady Cooking person being rather unwilling to believe my research and declining to cook. It was a triumph for the ingredients over the chef and for once was not so stuffed with hot chilli sauce as is the norm when my services to cuisine are not required.

Chris France

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