“Funniest book I ever read”

The condemned (to dieting three days a week) man ate a hearty breakfast before the morning constitutional, in the full knowledge that this particular nil by mouth chapter is coming to an end.

The word chapter has reminded me that I spent last night reading The Valbonne Monologues and I have to tell you it is very good. I experienced a strange sense of déjà vous (all over again – this especially for old pal Dave Worth) when I was reading it. It was uncanny, I could almost predict what was going to come next.

On the back cover, I invited those in it that have been most abused, and those few people who think I am funny, to write a comment about me or the previous book, Summer in the Côte d’Azur, and put the comments on the back of the new book. These have come out remarkably well and, I think, sum up what one might expect from the contents. I have taken a picture of it for today ‘s column.

The Valbonne Monologues explained

So, back to that hearty breakfast; a combination of duck egg, bacon , beans and mushrooms seemed the best way to react to starvation, and boy was I ready to react. Then off to view a car for Sprog 1 as his Citroen Rubbish Tip is fast approaching the end of its life. You can hear him coming from Pulborough, see the smoke sometime earlier, the driver’s door will not open, it has the pulling power of a very ill sheep, does 20 miles to the gallon and is ready for an early grave. Actually it is not early, it is long overdue. This of course will cost me money, it always does. I shall tell him that he should consider whatever it costs as an extension if his private student loan. This took the shape, not of college fees, but the small matter of the cost io replacing the oven of close friends that he destroyed on New Years Eve, when trying to reenact a scene from the film Project X, in which a dwarf was put into a cooker. Sprog 1 is not a dwarf, so it was hardly surprising that it did not end well.

Then to the rugby. With few people in the Kings Arms, and with the hunger monster well and truly out of the bag, we went to the Red Lion for sine very ordinary pub grub and returned home after the Scotland versus Wales match. I had the kettle on, my slippers were warming by the freshly lit fire and had settled on the sofa for what I hoped would be a restful afternoon nap, when That Nice Lady Decorator announced that she would like to go next door to The White Hart to see Ireland versus France in the 6 nations rugby.

Reluctantly I stirred myself to join her and that us when the afternoon started to unravel. I do recall being introduced to the lovely Carolyn who it seems I must have met before. It seems she also knew our Sprogs and claimed that it was they who had introduced her to Jaeger bombs. Anyway, she introduced us to her estranged live-in lover and then shortly afterwards to her new lover , one if whom did not know about the other. They were both in the pub at the same time. When I suggested that this was a rather strange situation she disagreed and said it was seen as quite normal in Arundel. Clearly I have only just scratched the surface of the Arundel psyche.

I have a hazy recollection of having some discussions with someone about opening an account with Currencies Direct, but cannot recall who, and I distinctly remember watching some cricket late at night, and that England fought back to draw the test match against New Zealand, and I can taste peanut butter and hot cross buns when I awoke but that’s it. I think it was a good evening.

Chris France
@Valbonne_News