Kangaroo court in session

The Teesside (kangaroo) Crown Court sat in Adelaide last night with Hanging Judge John Judge-Mental in the chair at the Sebel Playford hotel.  A range of indictments were read out by the Judge and punishment handed down to members of the Nidderdale Taverners Cricket team the form of fines donated to the Lords Taverners  charity. Every member of the team was arraigned to appear before the court at 5.3o pm before the closing night dinner and entertainment for the Golden Oldies cricket tournament at the Adelaide Convention Centre.

The charges were varied and inventive, although I cannot be sure that all were properly constituted in either British or Australian law. These were the culmination of offences committed during the week of the Golden Oldies cricket festival. It is fair to say that nobody escaped the wrath of our very own Hanging Judge, who in the summons to appear before him, warned that anyone failing to attend WOULD be found guilty in their absence. Frankly, being there was academic to the court’s decision, and all were found guilty.

Attired in his gown and wig, as my picture of him pre-trial in his chambers yesterday illustrates, summary injustice was meted out to every member of the team with Frazer Hines, Sir Thomas Ingilby and Clem “always wrong” Chambers receiving the roughest treatment. I am not certain that the Judge retained a great deal of credibility with the attendant throng, as beneath his wig and gown I contend that he was wearing nothing except a pink creation of uncertain pedigree, but he took to his appointed task with gusto and fleeced the team to within an inch of their financial lives, extracting a great deal of money for good causes.

Frazer Hines was charged with “wantonly, aggressively, continually and repeatedly sponsoring a long forgotten and prescribed society, contrary to section 4b  of the Imbeciles and Idiots act 1923, (also known as Frazer’s Law), namely the Frazer Hines Fan Club”. I could not be certain as it was hard to hear but I believe that Sir Thomas was charged and convicted of being in charge of a castle.

The fines structure was interestingly means tested. Following the model of Council Tax in the UK, which is banded depending upon the value of your property, the highest fines were reserved for band A offenders. This applied to owners of castles and residents of Monaco. This at least alleviated the pressure on dear Frazer, who was sharing a room with John “I was never in the Moody Blues” Lodge. This resulted in the two of them being jointly charged with wilfully and illegally establishing an illicit old people’s care home in room 217 of the Sebel Playford Hotel, contrary to the Old Peoples Care Act 1947 (sometime after they were both born). I have a picture of the Judge in his chambers in (nearly) full regalia from earlier in the afternoon.

Hanging judge John Judge-Mental preparing to abuse due process

Earlier in the day, I had the opportunity to find out a little more about the judge’s day-to-day activities as we met for breakfast at the Elder Cafe overlooking the Torrens River. I was a little concerned to her him say that “nowadays I only do crime”.  This seems to me to be a contradiction in terms, however it is probably fair to say that one of his biggest crimes last night was to fine me $50 (about £35 at today’s exchange rates) after I took advantage of the appeals system. The Judge had invited those who thought the quantum of the fines imposed to be unfair, to appeal the scale of the fines and promptly increased mine for $30 to $50, thereby quashing any further dissent from the convicted.

Chris France     @Valbonne_News