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No Dutch caps to be seen

May 30, 2012

How can lunch starting at 12.30 get so out if hand?  It was supposed to be a quiet affair on the beach at one of my favourite restaurants Le Petite Plage at Juan les Pins.

Peachy Butterfield was regaling us with stories, photographs and even videos of trying to get the naked politician back on his boat after he became tired and emotional after a big lunch the day before. and then he got the call, the entire luncheon party were invited aboard D5 in nearby Antibes for afternoon drinks on the poop deck.

Had it stopped there then a great deal less carnage would have ensued but I blame the Buftons who chanced by having arrived in Antibes that very day on their trip bringing their new boat from England. It had taken three weeks and they were desperate for some company so after we left D5 the naked politician headed off for his wedding anniversary dinner in Monaco and the rest of us descended on the web.

I think it was about 9pm when Peachy revealed that his six-pack had turned into a party seven. I had a hidden agenda in that I am due to play golf again today with house guest Peter Savin and he is often prone to a hangover so perhaps it was slightly unfair for me to bring out the 10 year old Macellen malt whiskey and the brandy at around 10pm. I need all the help I can get after things did not go according to plan in the golf course on Monday, which sadly I never found enough space to cover in this column. I have a picture today looking down the first hole of the Grande BastIde where will play again today as we could not get a tee time at St Donat.

Golf hostilities recommence today

The Butterfields will have house guests themselves in the coming week, after we have served our time under similar constraints. Theirs is a leading plastic surgeon and his wife. He is the chairman of the British Association of Plastic Surgeons. The irony of being at the head of BAPS had apparently eluded him until Peachy brought it to his attention.

The lovely Janie Savin, who is blonde and beautiful and was described yesterday as a GILF (a bit like a MILF but a grandmother) by the man with the party 7, has not been watering my fake plastic banana palm on this trip, no, she is way too sensible for that. I cannot recall how we got onto the subject but her blonde genes took over yesterday when discussing Dutch caps and how they were made. The rest of the party knew them to be a valuable contraceptive aid but clearly she had not taken this on board because during a discussion about the manufacturing process Janie wondered aloud why they would need such a process for a mushroom.

So the day long saga broke up before midnight, I think, and whilst I am feeling a bit shabby this morning as I write this, I am hoping that my golfing partner is suffering more. That 10 euros is on its way back home. A full  report on my triumph tomorrow I would hope. I shall also be making mention of the advantages of having an account with Currencies Direct then rather than today.

So next week it will be June and my last full month in France this year. I am expecting England to be somewhat less frenetic socially when we get back there to a little house in Arundel and my liver will doubtless celebrate that. In the meantime I shall continue to report the goings on amongst the idle rich in Valbonne but am undecided whether to continue this column after I leave. Perhaps it will morph into Arundel news, (, who knows, perhaps I will rely on hearsay, half-truths and my ability to magnify, misinterpret and invent stories to pad this daily missive.

Chris France

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