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Accidental fork

May 2, 2012

Back in Valbonne and straight back into that lovely south of France lifestyle that I adore. Lunch, one of the most delicious words in any language was taken chez Roly and the lovely Lesley Bufton at their palatial abode right next door to their other palatial abode. Most people would be happy with just one but hey, it’s a long story which I will not go into here.

A happy throng descended to eat and drink in that typical ex pat Provencal way. The eating part of lunch was completed at about 5pm but I did not get home until after 10pm. Situation normal, although I do not recall the promised Coupe Coronel, perhaps a good thing as that nice lady decorator hit the proverbial wall early, at 8pm, taking a sort power nap in order recharge those formidable batteries.

With the blackberry fully charged and my reading spectacles readily at hand I was able to record the many details of some of the more amusing events discussed over pre-lunch mohitos, gallons of rose and a rather good 2000 château bottled Cru Bourgeois Haut Medoc.

Days like yesterday provide a massive amount of material for this column, far too much to cram into this daily look into the lives of the idle rich, which was born out of a need to educate the community about the value of using Currencies Direct to effect foreign currency transactions.

For example, Slash and Burn Thornton Allan got proceedings off to a fine start by revealing that once, after a trip abroad he was dispatched by his wife, that steely eyed goddess Lisa (of whom more later) to collect the family’s black labrador dog from the kennels. All was well until Berty the dogs behaviour was noticed to have changed. The dog went from room to room sniffing, then upstairs where he would not normally venture and then jumped on to the kids trampoline which was a bouncing departure as Bertie was renowned for avoiding the trampoline area, perhaps because he had apparently once been the unwilling star in the Thornton Allan sprogs reenactment of the famous Barnes Wallis bouncing bomb story.

Doubts about his treatment at the kennels increased until one of the Thornton Allan sprogs noticed a curious and astonishing new addition. Bertie had apparently grown new testicles during his stay at the kennels. It was I think at this stage Slash and Burn realised that he had collected the wrong dog.

Peachy Butterfield, man of mystery or more precisely man mountain of mystery was very keen to ensure that he did not over eat (although to be honest this did nothing to reduce his intake of the local rose). He stated mysteriously that there was to be no TTT. When questioned as to what this stood for he confessed it was Tummy Touching Table. In his own mind his figure resembles that of the figure in my picture today taken in one of the far-flung corners of our hosts garden. But why the garden fork?

a naked forker?

Roly’s boat which is being delivered at the end of the month was the subject of much discussion, as was his decision to employ a gay skipper. Some good ideas were expounded to aid the forthcoming  seafaring experience but Mr Butterfield’s helpful suggestion that their captain be asked to wear a t-shirt emblazoned with “Hello Sailor” was quietly rejected.

Another revealing story was undressed by the piercing blue eyes of Mrs Slash and Burn, the willowy and beautiful Lisa. I have no idea why she admitted to taking to cleaning the family shower room whilst naked save for a toothbrush and some red marigolds, or indeed why she should allow an arch blogger such as myself access to this kind of information but it is an image I wish to hold with me until my demise.

There is so much more that will have to wait for another day.

Chris France

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Pinman permalink
    May 2, 2012 8:31 am

    “naked save for a toothbrush and some red marigolds – an image I *wish* hold with me until my demise”

    A Freudian slip ! Do you wish you were holding your will………..??


  2. Rev. Jeff permalink
    May 2, 2012 2:06 pm

    Your revelation about Mrs. Slash and Burn reminded me of a story I read in the Daily Mail some time back about women who like to do housework in the nude. I wrote a little poem on this theme which they printed and I know your blog readers would love to share !! Or not !!


    Now here’s a tale that’s strange to tell
    Some folk might think it rude,
    About a girl who’s name was Pearl
    Who frolicked in the nude !

    She’d burn with fire till hot desire
    Would make her cry ‘ENOUGH’
    Then tearing off her clothes in haste
    She’d strip down to the ‘buff’!

    Now girls who ‘peel’ to do their work
    Are labelled ‘tarts’ or ‘whores’
    But Pearl undressed with just one aim,
    To do the household chores !

    You’ve never seen a girl so keen
    To get the housework done,
    She’d hump and groan and re-arrange
    It seemed such good clean fun !

    She’d rub and scrub and sweat and sigh
    She wouldn’t be denied
    No nook or cranny was ignored
    Till Pearl was satisfied!

    Each tiny crevice was explored
    Pearl lived by strictest rules
    And what she couldn’t reach by hand
    She’d probe with vacuum tools !

    And when at last the work was done
    And all was spic and span,
    She’d dress herself, pick up the kids
    And cook for her old man.

    “Done much today”, he’d always ask
    As late they took their ease,
    And Pearl would smile and simply say
    “The bare necessities” !

    Not quite my usual spiritual theme but more to your taste I suspect !!


  3. Pinman (With a nod to Reverend Jeff)........ permalink
    May 2, 2012 3:36 pm

    She’d hump and groan – she’d probe with vacuum tools !



  4. Rev. Jeff permalink
    May 2, 2012 3:52 pm

    Yes I was surprised The Mail printed it with all the double entendres. It got a really good response from the readers though. Thanks for your effort Chris but you have already inflicted this on us recently . It’s good but once was enough !


    • Pinman permalink
      May 2, 2012 8:39 pm

      “once was enough !”

      Oh let him dream…………..


  5. ecologyman permalink
    May 2, 2012 5:40 pm

    The forker looks to me as if he has unwittingly stepped backwards upon a fellow kneeling forker and has stuck his head up his arse!


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