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Crimewatch star on golf course

October 20, 2011

I have received several calls and a number of emails claiming that they have seen the person claiming to be Mr Clipboard (whose rather gruesome picture I featured yesterday) on Crimewatch, the popular UK TV programme designed to expose crooks.

When I confronted him yesterday at the golf course about his alleged appearance on the UK’s most notorious crime show, the golf itself having been abandoned due to the unscheduled appearance of a thunderstorm, he admitted that he had previously been featured on this prime time show in a starring role some tears ago. It seems that he was the estate agent for whom Suzie Lamplugh worked before being murdered, and was asked to take part in a reconstruction of her last hours for TV. I had thought that his mug shot may have featured in the Rogues Gallery.

Due to the success in selling out my book launch at the Auberge St Donat on 7th November, I have been appointed acting promotion manager for The English Book Centre Literary Events. When I revealed this snippet of news to Mr Clipboard he was aghast, claiming that it was like making King Herod president of Save The Children.

This is of course a scandalous charge but if Literary Events are normally high brow events, then I do get his point. I would not be comfortable organising such gatherings, indeed the launch of my book, whilst clearly a stirring event in the publishing world could not be described as high brow, more populist, more Eastenders than Euclid.

If I really am to be given free reign on the organisation of future events then I would book John Otway, self-proclaimed “rock and rolls greatest failure” to lecture us in how not to achieve success in ones chosen profession, so watch this space….

Once again yesterday in the restaurant before golf and the bar afterwards at the rather wet St Donat Golf Course, I had to battle to protect my honour in the shape of my “Annoying Facial Hair” (AFH) pictured in all its glory today.

so called Annoying Facial Hair, I think its nice

There must have been at least six occasions when scissor welding maniacs in the shape of Mr Clipboard and Mr Thornton Allan attempted forcibly to trim my rather splendid beard. That I managed to keep it looking in decent condition, with just a very slight trim of the split ends was mostly down to my judicious confiscation of the golf courses scissors from the miscreants. Such is the opprobrium generated by the AFH that I was told that if I collapsed on golf course, first they would remove the beard, secondly they would call emergency services, after calling services, they would as they so tastefully put it “shag me up the arse”, steal all my money and golf balls and look innocent when ambulance arrived. Public schoolboys, don’t you just love them?

Today, Mr Clipboard departs for the UK, and not before time for my liver, but before he does we have one last tennis stand off later this morning at The Vignale followed by lunch. Before that I shall be diligently reminding my affiliates of the value of recommending the services of Currencies Direct to their customers.

Then, glory be, a few days with nothing in the diary, in fact the next social event for which have received my orders in triplicate seems to be the watching of the French rugby team being carved into tiny pieces by the All Blacks on Sunday morning at The Source restaurant on the way up the hill to Le Rouret, followed by lunch at this establishment. In order for this to be the next time we go out and drink alcohol assumes a giant leap of faith in that nice lady decorators determination to avoid it. I am not confident.

Chris France

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. Pinman permalink
    October 20, 2011 2:56 pm

    Picture of “Annoying Facial Hair”

    That’s what happens wnen Grappa dribbles down your chin……………..

    Like

    • October 21, 2011 1:43 pm

      harsh, but fair

      Like

      • Pinman permalink
        October 21, 2011 2:08 pm

        Looks more harsh and two-tone to me…………….

        That NLD must be really tickled….!!

        Like

      • October 21, 2011 2:48 pm

        of course she wont read it!

        Like

  2. Pinman permalink
    October 21, 2011 2:52 pm

    Who said anything about reading…….??

    Like

    • October 25, 2011 11:10 am

      I could tell her that…….

      Like

      • October 25, 2011 6:40 pm

        over to you

        Like

  3. Pinman permalink
    October 25, 2011 7:22 pm

    “That NLD must be really tickled….!!”

    Why SHOULD she read, whilst being tickled by that multicoloured hirsute appendage………….??

    Like

    • October 25, 2011 7:58 pm

      Again, good point well made..

      Like

  4. Pinman permalink
    October 25, 2011 8:10 pm

    ………………….as the art mistress said to the gardener………….!!

    Like

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