Blow dog

Mouth to mouth resuscitation of a dog. That was the lead news story in Brisbane TV this morning. Apparently a local opera singer saved her dog in that manner yesterday. I suppose this should only ever to attempted if the dog is unconscious, and certainly never in front of friends or neighbours. If Banjo, the mentally retarded, badly behaved thief of a mutt ever require such a service, I am happy to say that death would be his only option.  I would no more put my mouth anywhere near that infernal animal than I would place my penis in a mangle.

My picture today shows how the locals like to amuse themselves during the cricket. This is known as a snake and is comprised of hundreds, maybe thousands plastic beer cups, but in deference to the ridiculous health and safety politburo it is illegal to collect cups like this, and you can be ejected from the ground and be fined up to $AUS8000 which is about £5500 at today’s exchange rate.

I have racked my brains to come up with a reason why this can be dangerous, any ideas anyone? Paradoxically, It is probably quite legal to take a real snake into the ground, but not to make one from plastic.

Plastic glass snake

Another word that has a different meaning over here in Australia is thongs. These are what the Australians call sandals. Hence when an Aussie says, check out the Sheila in the thong, it may well not be worth turning around to look.

One of the best known Australian tunes is “Waltzing Matilda” which has been adapted by the Barmy Army, the traveling English supporters into “We’ll Shag Matilda”. Now what I did not know until this week which I learned from a believable Australian is that song is about a sheep called Matilda, so it looks like the Army have stabbed themselves in the foot on that one. I expect Steve Weston, my sheep loving golfing pal will already know that and have it in his ipod, probably on his “love songs” playlist.

A great  fight back by the England cricket team in The Ashes series in Brisbane today does have a downside, I have had to buy a ticket for day 5 but do you know what?, I am delighted.  It looks like we could get what I had told my incredulous French neighbour might happen,  a very exciting draw after 5 days play.  Actually all results are still possible.

Smokers in Brisbane are treated with even more disdain that in Europe.  It is illegal to smoke on any licensed premises, even in gardens or terraces.  If you want to have a smoke you have to stand on the side-walk, clearly not an option when one is attired in ones velvet smoking jacket and cravat.  But, worse still, you cannot take your drink with you, as it is illegal to consume alcohol on the pavement, so it’s either have a smoke or a drink, but not together. Thus the cigar and Irish coffee or port or brandy experience is totally ruined by ridiculous busy-bodying of the type that I thought was limited to England.  They deserve to lose The Ashes for that reason alone.

Chris France

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