Mr Darwin invented the world

The aborigines, with whom I shall shortly be communing, do have something in common with the ex-patriot population in the Valbonne area, in that their society has been very deeply affected by the consumption of strong drink.

Social barriers have become eroded and deeply held convictions, indeed the fundamentals of the respective cultures have been cast aside by alcohol. There was a time when I could remember what it was like to be sober and I believe the same is true of many of the original indigenous population of Australia.

When in foreign climes I like to immerse myself in the culture of the land, so it seems I have a choice, drink loads of alcohol like the aborigines or try to steal something and end up in prison like most Australians. It was of course a penal colony, so all white Australians are descended from convicts.

They have impossible names like Crocodile Dundee. Personally I was never Christened, my parents being enlightened enough to believe that I could do so when I was old enough to make my own decision. Can you imagine the Christening? I name this child Crocodile….I imagine that the nice lady decorators Christening may have been marred by her wanting to drink the holy wine? No doubt I will now have regular reader, the Revered Jeff, moaning about me not understanding the different practices of different religions again, but the only religion I could perhaps accept in part is one that has as its basis the consumption of wine, indeed that could be a religion in itself.

The French have saints for just about everything so they must have one for wine, maybe its St Margaux or St Petrus? I guess the German version would be St Libfraumilche (the should f**k up the spell check! – yep, suggestions comes up “empty” which is how I like my glass of that horrid sweet muck). A quick search of http://www.Catholic.org reveals that St Amand is the patron saint of wine merchants, that’s close enough! Here is a picture of how he might have looked;

Note the strategically placed glass of wine

Actually I don’t really hold with religion, but what would the jews and arabs have to argue about if they didn’t have religion? or any other countries or races that are at war? Can’t someone tell them all that the world was invented by Mr Darwin?

Ok, that most of the world and the entire religious community insulted in just one column! I am getting better! What next? I know, dog lovers!

Another positive spin-off from being away for 10 days is that I will not have to put up with that noxious, Tourette’s suffering, kleptomaniac canine disaster area that is called Banjo. Yesterday he somehow managed to open two doors and get into the kitchen and steal a packet of butter. Of course, he was not clever enough to destroy the evidence and left the empty packaging in his basket. So the analytical services of Inspector Frost were not required to ascertain guilt on this occasion. That nice lady decorator took the news well, in fact she tried to turn it into a positive. “You are going to be hanging around with a lot of convicts in Australia, so he was trying to break you in gently”

Yesterday I eschewed golf as I had to pack, but popped into Valbonne for what may be the last sample of French wine that will touch my lips for 10 days at least. There will be nothing civilised to drink in Auz, just gassy beer and sweet sparkling wine I expect, so I felt justified in attempting to consume something and then try to hold the memory of something decent before I head off.

Angloinfo have still not worked rescinded my blogging rights on their site. This week is the third time they have allowed me to publish my grumpy column called Happy Mondays, an obviously ironic title given my usual state of mind on a Monday.  However, today is not  a normal Monday, I mean lets face it, usually I am up at the crack of 9 30 for a walk, back for breakfast then a backbreaking hour or so of toil as I clear the whole days workload, lunch,  then a swing in the hammock strategising until dinner time, tough! especially if the sun is low in the sky as it is now and the temperature only hovering in the early 20’s celsius. Today of course is different….

I am reminded of the Three Yorkshiremen sketch in Monty Python, “of course, we had it tough”

Chris France

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