Captain thinks tactics are a kind of mint
A Triumph. That is the only way to describe my cricketing comeback for Little Horwood yesterday.
It was not just the 13 classy runs, nor was it my guidance of 2 raw young bowlers, nor was it just my ability to ensure our lovestruck captain Josh made the right tactical decisions despite the fact that the tactics employed were utterly beyond him.
No, it was a combination of all these factors plus the overpowering and undeniable presence and self belief that I was able to impart to the rest of the team. Several very difficult catches were missed by myself but those served, as I was able to tell the team afterwards, to engineer a tight and thrilling contest.
A village cricket team is often host to a curious mixture of folk. Dave Ell, our publican heartbeat was so much more effective than when actually playing, in his chosen part as umpire yesterday, denying the clearest appeal for leg before wicket that was as obviously out as England’s goal against Germany recently in the World Cup was so obviously in.
It was so clearcut that any true Englishman would have done the decent thing and “walked” (ie given himself out) but the batsman,Tag, as he is known, is Welsh, so normal rules of cricketing etiquette are of course suspended.
Perhaps his nickname of Tag betrays a love of that peculiar Welsh pass time involving sheep? I should have known from the start that there was something odd about him. I mean, wearing a pink shirt, which had clearly never been troubled by an iron, implies there is no lady wife at home to tend to his needs, and it would be a very courageous fashion statement for heterosexual man to wear such an item. I wonder if there is a secret that might emerge from one particular closet some time soon?
Then there is Colin O Dell, one of Buckinghamshire’s finest, with a local accent so utterly incomprehensible that none in the team understand him fully, indeed the cue to laugh at one of his jokes is to wait for him to laugh.
Colin “doddy” Dodd who single-handedly props up the Cuban economy, such is his propensity for cuban cigars, and who is so desperate to retain his ginger good looks, manages to stain his moustache a kind of ginger colour with the smoke from his guargantuan store of those hand rolled beauties. His batting is famously dogged, with reputedly a career best of 7 which apparently spanned 22 overs.
A village cricket team is nothing without its characters but if that alone were the secret of success, then Little Horwood would be placed higher than second to bottom of division 6 of the Buckingham and District League.
Colin O Dell takes his pet pig for a walk at tea time
After the post-mortem (hang on a minute, we actually won!), and the inevitable singing, and once all the piss that could be taken had been taken, off to the muhabhk mubukhtr curry house in the square at Winslow, where on my last visit, John Bercow, Speaker of the House Of Commons, sought my advice on a matter of great import, to eat something so spicy that I am wide awake at 4am writing this piffle.
Today, after fitting the bullbars and stocking up the 4 x 4 with provisions for several days, clean water, electricity generator, snake bite balm and everything else needed to travel in this dangerous territory, we will head for the land of whippets, tundra, and black pudding which is known as Yorkshire.
My continually unsuccessful attempts to bring some culture to this wild and inhospitable land are fraught with danger. A prison sentence would be easier to bear but I will continue stoically with my quest, perhaps rewarded with a pint of Timothy Taylors Landlord bitter in one of the very few tamed hamlets in order to try to keep out the cold.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
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Chris France's Blog 
Oh France that bastard dog of yours Bandit paid me a surprise visit yesterday along with your charming spouse and Max. On entering my family estate he proceeded straight to the grounds and pissed up my brand new gazebo. I will be presenting you with a County Court Summons , an invoice and may very well seek justice by giving you a fat lip ( which you have conveniently highlighted with a rather sad tuft of pubic hair) when I kick your sorry french ars at the big golf challenge on Monday.
On another note I skipped over to Spain to watch the World Cup Final, whilst there I found myself in a nightclub at 5am where the owner bragged she could play any song we wish to mention, quick as a flash I requested Bohemian Rhapsody by Rolf Harris. My god this was found and played with the result of emptying the bar and killing the evening. I of course have the address of this establishment as I believe they now owe you a few bob. My plan is to travel the world requesting this much under rated pop classic and go 50/50 on all royalties.
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I now realise that little shit is called Banjo and not Bandit , well he’s outlawed here and I shall be hitting his ars with a Banjo next time he crosses the North Castle drawbridge
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Did you see that picture of you earlier in the week?
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Thanks for the new nick name for Tal. He will now and for ever more be known as Tag.
By the way if any one wishes to know the name of my pig it is Chris in honour of his gray wisp of fluff under his chin and the uncanny resemblance to a once great cricketer.
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What can i say other than it was honor to bat with Chris, although a shame he also has Dave Ell’s aversion to running between the wicket. As usual the Welsh were required to bail the English out of trouble (think Rorke’s Drift and Agencourt) with some vital runs at the top of the innings as well as the a never seen before catch behind the wicket so good that even Dave Ell managed a grunt from square leg, having said that it was probably “that was f**kin lucky”! Either way a great win and good to meet you Chris.
As for the name I don’t really care about that but the shirt was awesome! I am sure you have a little pink one that you get out now and again in the South of France…..ooohhhh matron! :-)))
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I have enjoyed your blog enormously…its been a while you were my first squeeze in probably about 1974 Aylesbury..? John Otway, Geoff Potter and Derby Arms days. Im not sure how I got to your blog, I think via the not getting tickets to see Paul Weller and Otway, searching around..funny that you are in my haunts and the pubs you mention. I live about four miles from Kirtlington and my daughter was a waitress in the Dashwood spent endless days in Henley as she was also a rower, Weston Turville it was like going back 30 odd years.
Keep blogging I will keep reading. It somehow keeps me young
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nice to hear from you, can you remember where we met? Derby Arms?
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nice to hear from you, can you remeber where we met? Derby Arms?
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Yep Derby Arms it was probably looking back end 73/74 that is a long time ago! I love your blogs I am bcoming an addict! Actually we first met at an Otway concert kind of filming thing at Borough Assembly Hall I think I was only 14 then though. Lots of hanging around on the gravestones outside you had a Daimler back then I believe and you and Geoff Potter a real double act. I don’t go to Aylesbury much now and as you probably know the Derby Arms is now back to a house. Old Ted (miserable old sod!) I expect he is gone now. They were great days the 70’s were great. I try to sell that to my daughter she is having none of it though. She wonders how I walked out of the door dressed that way!
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