More mutton mutterings
Sheep. Yes, sheep, that was the subject once again brought up at golf by Steve Weston. We were having a post round beer at the 19th courtesy of Steve Brown who has some kind of job at Royal Mougins Golf Course which requires him to play golf several times a week.
Because of all the practice, he is of course better than most of us, but given the banditry which is par for the course (if you will pardon the expression), with the handicap system, winning never features in Steve’s expectations. I think that point is made best by his shirt which is the subject of my picture today. A losers shirt I’d ever I saw one. He says it is a Norman Greg or something but looks hurt when I suggest he returns it to him as soon as possible.
Steve Brown in shirt so bad that the sun managed to bleach it in this picture. I am also slightly concerned at the rather gay pose. Perhaps Steve Weston shouted "sheep, over there"?
Anyway back to sheep. Steve Weston stalwart of the Landlubbers golf society organised by Dave the Fade, has been outed in the past in this column for his much broadcast love of sheep. Indeed, he even sent me a photo of his favourite sheep which I have gleefully published at least twice.
When discussions turned to sheep (almost inevitably when Steve is around), he is a font of knowledge. He tells us that if you google “sheep”, then the picture of his favourite comes up on the first page.
Now I am not sure about the sexual peccadillos of the rest of my readership, but frankly I am almost certain that no one I know, indeed no one I have ever met, would innocently google “sheep”
Poor Steve Brown, winning the poisoned chalice which is victory in the Landlubbers competition. It means you win 5 euros from every player, but you pay for the drinks for everyone, so with 15 players, the pot stands at 75 euros. The bill was over 120 euros, so I think I will stick with my handicap!
Regarding yesterdays issue, I mentioned the lesser known but still ugly sister of Margaret Beckett. Many of you believe I have confused her with her sister Margaret and they would be right.
From the golf to retrieve my car from Wing Commander Spensley. I have generously swapped my top of the range Mercedes convertible for a some kind of nasty little van for a few days. He was kindly looking after mine for the period I was in UK. I suggested that if he could make use of it whilst I was away for things like picking up the kids, doing a bit of shopping etc then he would be most welcome.
Barcelona!!, that’s where he went, twice. once to deliver Gabriella, one of his children to summer camp and once to collect her.
Perhaps it is my fault, I thought he said Bar sur Loup, about 15 miles away. Anyway the swap was done and the Merc is now safely home with me.
Last night we planned to go to Juan Les Pins to witness a firework display, a feature of the summer season on the Cote d’Azur. Cannes stages fantastic displays by different countries each week through August, will a final on August 24th. A final? A firework display competition? Can anyone join in? Who is the judge? What are the criteria? Who pays for all this? Obviously, trying to stage something like this in the UK would end up being a damp squib. Either the weather would intervene, or the health and safety brigade. Anyway, the camp bar was open a band was playing….so we never made it
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Glamping – glamourous camping
The Daily Telegraph carried a piece yesterday about camping days in the UK overtaking the number of bed and breakfast bookings. Apparently, the pounds slump against the euro, now on the mend at nearly 1 20 to the £, and no bank charges with Currencies Direct, and the recession being the main reasons. I was disappointed however that the Telegraph the media hype about England’s summer, we were rained on at some every one of the 23 days we spent there this month. It also went on to talk about “glamping” the name used for glamorous camping, which picks up my theme from yesterday.
Glamping was exactly what I was trying to describe yesterday, new style camping combining some elements of camping without the drudgery of canvas. This is of course nothing to do with caravans, which I detest, campers vans are cool, even Jamie Oliver has one!
Personally I am with Jeremy Clarkson and Top Gear on that one, caravans are epitome of uncool camping, if you want a reason not to have one then Moira Beckett, the ugliest politician in the world has one. Actually, that is a real double whammy. To be un-blessed with good looks is certainly unlucky, but thereafter to choose to be a politician should be unthinkable, but there you have it.
On previous campsites I have noticed kindred spirits, the camper van owning, Montrachet drinking gourmet, enjoying the excitement and romance of making camp, whilst enjoying good food and wine. Unfortunately, the campsite we have chosen, and which was recommended by a good friend who shall remain nameless, but for argument’s sake we will call Claire Warner, seems full of campers rather than glampers! My first experience of a camping car was at Glastonbury 3 years ago, which had to be one of the wettest festival on record, but I still enjoyed not just the festival but the whole camping thing. I have recently discovered a very luxurious way of doing Glastonbury, in butler served tepees having four-poster beds and fresh linen, drinks on tap for 20 hours a day and a Michelin star chef on hand to rustle up something for you any time of day and night. Coupled with full back- stage pass access, this has to be the way to do it, if you can afford the £3500 per person cost!
My picture today is of the beach at Juan Les Pins as the sun went down the night before last. It is somewhat spoiled however not only by that hugely tall guy who must have been standing behind me, but also the ugly flats behind.
Dinner on the beach at Juan Les Pins, with some tall geezer lurking around in the background
Today sees my long-awaited return to golfing action with the Landlubbers organised by Dave the Fade who has promised good weather. Opio Valbonne is the venue and those silver dancing golf shoes of mine will once again light up a path around the golf course. One can only hope that the path is the one intended, ie via the fairways, rather than the unexplored bits of Provence I discovered when I last played there.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Camping It Up
Breakfast was taken on the Spensleys terrace, but only after I had been out to buy it, albeit with Robert’s money, and then Bluebell the camper was packed up ready for the next part of our adventure, camping at Le Pylon in Biot.
Before leaving, I inadvertently mention the b word at breakfast and am immediately the subject of daggers from the Wing Commander. The b word is of course a shortened version blog, and The Wing Commander has a well-known dislike of anything blog conic. Mention of it is not recommended in that residence.
I stupidly mention that he featured last night, but luckily he does not believe I am serious, and because of his antipathy towards this column, having sworn that he would never read it, if he is true to his word then I have managed to get away with it so far. I cannot think of anyone who’s moustache bristles more with indignation, except for that Sargent Major character in “it Ain’t Half Hot Mum”, and bristle it would if he knew he was featured.
My picture today shows Bluebell resplendent in the sunshine on her pitch where she will remain for the next 10 days or so.
Born in 1969 and still going strong
Last night we forsook the delights of karaoke night at the quite frankly, rather ordinary and cramped campsite, Le Pylon and popped into Juan Les Pins for a “sticky” as the Australians call it. Short for a sticky beak, an expression meaning having a look around everything and sticking your nose into anything interesting. Blah Blah are apparently playing in l’Anver but it looks like a late night place, and so I suspect e are playing well after our bed time!
An aperitif on the beach to watch the sun go down and later dinner on the beach, life can be so good!
Some of you regular readers will not be surprised to hear that I have been engaged to write professionally. Blue Water Yachting were in dire need of some drivel, well researched articles on many things yacht related, and seem content enough with my output to threaten payment this coming Monday. I shall be standing outside before the office opens in anticipation of my first professional writing fees. I am very cheap, as most of my friends know, and happy to lease my talents to others interested in Search Engine Optimisation, whatever that is!
Camping is a curious occupation, bringing together an eclectic mix of people either too poor to have a proper holiday, too stupid to realise there is anything other than camping available, and occasional people like me, who love the romantic notion of setting up camp (as long as there is a decent restaurant within easy reach) and the ideal of sleeping, well, in a van. That nice lady decorator would be appalled to hear Bluebell described as a van, preferring bus, although I cannot see the distiction.
I don’t think I would enjoy camping under canvas, but there are loads of great memories of camping over the last 3 years, since we bought Bluebell, and the old hippy in me loves the notion of freedom, the open road and living off the land, stupid old fashioned concepts I realise, unless you consider living off the land to mean close proximity to nice bars and restaurants!
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Closing time? already?
Entrepreneur is presumably a French word. So the thrash up the hill in Mornas was a waste of time because the fortress, the only possible attraction in this village, and thus the only really commercial opportunity for the village, was closed.
Now call me old-fashioned, but it seems to me that if you have a fabulous old relic (and I am not talking about that nice lady decorator) then you might want to make decent use of it when people are likely to be at leisure.
Mornas, like much of rural France, away from the Cote d’ Azur, goes to sleep from the end of October until the beginning of May. That gives you just half the year to extract a living from whatever assets you posess. Opening the fortress only from 2 to 5pm and not on Sundays in the height of the shortened tourist period is as ridiculous as running a cafe and closing for lunch.
Thus we slogged up the hill in the morning heat, only to discover that the fortress was closed, and only open at a time of day when it is too hot to do anything but siesta or swim in the pool, brilliant!
On the way back home, we stopped at Lac St Cassien, about 50 km from Cannes for lunch. It is a beautiful lake with a few rough and ready cafes, where we indulged in moules frites, (mussels and chips Northy) which were excellent.
Lac St Cassien in the Var, Simon and Moya, note sunny skies
In the evening to Valbonne for a sorely missed bit of Square Bashing, which regular readers will recognise as a verb meaning to abuse alcohol in Valbonne Square.
We were accompanied by Wing Commander Spensley and delicious wife Maryse, former picture editor at Vogue, who had hot footed from a photo shoot at a villa owned by an old friend.
The Wing Commander, or 118 senior as he is sometimes known, has still not read this blog after the first ever episode, so I can safely say whatever I like about him, however he is normally so charming, it is often hard to find anything rude to comment on.
However his weak spot is his superiority complex which emerges after the consumption of several bottles of wine. Last night for instance, I can report that he considers himself superior to most of our friends, including some that refuse to use their Lordly titles, in fact superior to everyone. Clearly I am in no danger of being any sort of competition to him, being as I am, an ex council house boy, the son of a shop assistant, and in his world, a slob, an epithet that I accept unreservedly. In his opinion, but only after excessive alcohol consumption, and here the Irish Coffee did nothing to calm him, I am uneducated, I did not go to a proper school, and I write this appalling blog. I also believe that he is also galled because he suspects his lovely wife quite likes me.
The square is buzzing with tourists as one would expect in mid summer, bit I am proud to say that the Wingco and I were the last to leave. I do wish the very friendly staff would not start putting chairs on tables before we had finished, or appearing in their jim jams, but when we remonstrated with them, they ponted out that it was close to 1.30am and they closed at 12.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Warm temperatures, warm cheeses
With the arguable exception of the meal at the North’s, in the urine stained, gale lashed zipped up gazebo, which was technically outside, Le Manoir at Mornas gives us the first opportunity to eat outside since we set foot in England.
Situated very near to Mondragon, I promised that nice lady decorator that I would make no mention of that town or make any link to her, so I will not mention anything of the kind..
We are sitting in the pretty courtyard at le Manoir, beers in hand, shorts rescued from suitcases, where they have laid un-used for the last 3 weeks whilst we have been in grim, grimy, doleful England.
We are listening to a deafening tirade from the cicadas in the huge pine trees. I hope my picture shows this, well, not the cicadas, obviously, and very well priced at 76 euros a night, about £65 at current exchange rates
Le Manoir at Mornas, cheap to stay, expensive to eat
I also show the picture of Chateau de Cocove I planned for yesterday
Chateau de Cocove - first taste of civilisation in nearly a month
But the main thing is it is warm. 27 degrees is just about perfect beer o clock weather at 6 30pm. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed England, a serious dose of carbohydrates at each meal, the beer, and seeing old friends has been a delight, I just wish all my friends would move to somewhere more hospitable and less politically correct!
Take the night before last at Chateau de Cocove for instance. The cheese board served in England would have caused the health or food or hygiene inspection brigade to have closed the place on the spot. A range of beautiful cheeses, especially an over-ripe brie with walnuts and a bleu de Bresse which was to die for, and a dozen others untried this time, all clearly kept somewhere warm and moist for most of the afternoon, not frozen to death, then presented cold an unappetising, or lighty micowaved so as to be frozen in the middle and runny on the outside.
The French are sometimes very clever, they let the Germans make the rules in the EEC, the English pedantically obey the rules to the letter and the French just ignore the rules when they are stupid. There are at least 2 places I could name in Valbonne where ashtrays are provided, albeit later in the evening after meals are completed, thus allowing a cigar smoker a chance to enjoy a good smoke.
Another example of brilliant interpretation of the rules which helped swell the Polish population s few years ago when Poland joined the EU, was the French welcome to all those Poles who wanted to come to France as long as they had TB innoculations!
The French had worked out that TB was rife in Poland, so the result was that the vast majority headed for the soft touch, England which had no such restriction.
Last night the edge was taken off dinner at Le Manoir, on a lovely terrace, by the noise of the motorway 300 metres away. Spoiled by the tranquillity of the preious evening< and with decent but unexceptional food, cold gambas salad was a little disapointing although the coquillies were good, but the whole thing was a tad over priced. Looks to me as if the Hotel is a loss leader for the restuarant!
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Black pudding head gear
Girls golfing handicaps are the bain of my life. Despite being as much as 15 years older than my opponents, I am constantly under pressure on the golf course because some of the chaps I play against. Some are gentleman. Such as Jeff Newton, a charming gentleman who plays off a mans handicap of 16 and was soundly beaten today.
The other 2 who were also soundly beaten in real golf terms, claimed some kind of shallow victory aided by the handicap system. Suffice to say that I was the winner in everything but money.
Paul North, myself and Mark Gurdon. This what I have to put up with despite winning by at least 12 shots..
As you can see from the picture, Mr North appears to be wearing a black pudding or something of the like on his head, and I have no idea what kind of local ritual was occurring that required bank notes to be stuck on foreheads. The French have wisely banned the wearing of the burqa as it covers the face of the wearer. In this case I would say that the wearing of that hat should be banned because it doesn’t cover the face of the wearer.
And so to the North’s for a splendid evening despite the appalling weather. They have a nice gazebo, paid for from the gift and card shops owned by Northy’s wife Ellen, not from the proceeds of the sales of fridge magnets that Northy relies on to earn a crust.
It has curtains that one can draw when the weather is inclement, so they are in regular use. They are very useful in the evening in particular, as the rain which was lancing at 90 degrees, was kept partially at bay. It has also doubled on at least one occasion as a useful lavatory area for the evil cocker spaniel Banjo, who seems to delight in leaving his mark in the most inappropriate areas, such as near my hammock.
Regular readers will know that I do not warm to the animal, although I do admit that I had a quiet smirk, no a genuine grin, when I heard that Mr North’s gazebo had suffered a similar onslaught. Constant vigilance was required to ensure that Banjo did not repeat this indiscretion, at least whilst I was sitting inside, and to ensure that the cheese board did not find its way into his mouth as is as irritating as it customary.
Amongst the guests at the North’s are Tom and Sylvia Baldock. Tom claims never have to have been mentioned in this blog, but of course that untrue, I have reported his claim to be Scottish by penetration due to having a wife from Glasgow. Tom who somehow snared Sylvia, a beautiful Scottish waif or his wife, is a wonderful entertainment. Entertaining at first with his rich diction and great wit, and then after copious consumption of wine, entertaining in a different way later in the evening when we try to understand what he is talking about! The best moments are always when appears he has told a joke. We know he thinks it is a joke because he laughs uproariously, so politely we all join in the laughter, but I forgive him anything as he is often the supplier of great wines, such as the recent 1982 Chateau Lagune recently.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Sick on shoes secret revealed
After a walk around Kirklington Park, lunch was taken at the Lions of Bledlow, in Buckinghamshire. Paul North is in attendance and is not drinking due I suspected, to his training programme in advance of the golf today.
I ask the reason, he is renowned as being able to consume upwards of 40 bottles of beer on one session. Long suffering wife, Ellen, mentions his trip to South Africa for the football World Cup, and a trip to Spain to see the final, and I realise that he has had his beer head to for several weeks. He at least has the good grace to look sheepish.
He has a plaster on his finger, claiming to have sliced off the tip of it, which I know is a desperate attempt to postpone our contest, but I will not hear of it. His self harming is clearly a worry. It is an indication of the mental stress that will he will suffer when handing over £15 that will owe me at about 3pm this afternoon.
From the Lions, we visit our house in Weston Turville, via The Chequers, our old haunt, from which that nice lady decorator disgraced herself when we first bought the house in 1995.
The Chequers is a fine old pub, about 100 yards from our house on the way there, but at least 300 yards on the way back. We are invited to stay in our own house by old friends Jeff Newton and Jo, his partner, who are enting it whilst building their own. For those that don’t know the story of that nice lady decorators disgrace, here is a potted version.
Having completed the purchase of Sannie Cottage, in November 1995, we were invited by the landlord at The Chequers to the New Beaujolais Night to welcome us to the village.
This was 6 days after we had moved in. At about midnight, I could not find the current Mrs France, but then, through the bar window, I spotted her in the car park. It turned out that she had been sick on her shoes, but desperate to continue the party, and thinking that the dogs needed a walk, she decided to stumble home, and come back to the party with the dogs whilst wearing her slippers. I leave it to you to decide how seriously we were treated by the village elders thereafter.
Anyway, we revisited The Chequers, after far too much beer at the Lions, and before you could say Lance Armstrong, the girls were riding about on bikes.
Not full-sized bikes, you understand. But kids bikes, as my picture of Jo shows.
Tour De France, weston Turville style
As if that embarrassment was not enough, we agree to meet Debbie and Simon Barrett at the Chequers in the evening. Simon, who would be ginger if he was not folically challenged, has two redeeming features; 1, he has a beautiful wife, always welcome wherever I am, and 2, he usually carries a good stock of cigars and kindlt brought me a Montecristo No 2.
Regular readers will realise that he is hopeless when it comes to weather forecasting, and supremely gullible in his hopes that a good forecast might be accurate. Today for instance, was guaranteed to be dry, but spots of rain were felt on our morning walk. Simon is convinced it has not rained in England since January.
However, after a long lunch and more drinks at The Chequers, with me making inapropriate ginger references, noticed and commented upon by Simons sons who are both of a slightly orange hue, more old friends appeared and thats all I remember, and that concludes the case for the defence
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Socks on flagpole horror
As we check out of The Red Lion on the Thames at Henley, I notice the room rate is £750 a night for a four-poster bedroom during Henley Regatta, some 10 times the rate that I paid. I ask idly if there are any vacancies for the 2011 Regatta and was told there were not! Recession? What recession?
Perhaps we may not be welcome back to this hotel after I discovered that nice lady decorators socks drying on their flagpole outside our bedroom window, as my picture today shows.
View from The Red Lion in Henley towards The Angel On The Bridge pub, with The Thames in the background, ruined by someones socks and a dodgy flag on the flagpole
As we motor to Kirklington in mildly summer conditions. I begin to believe that Linda Warmbottom will be lucky enough to get the only dry day of summer, but now that the nights are now noticeably drawing in, the chances are remote and then it happened in late afternoon, a shower, keeping up the unenviable record of raining at some stage every day since we arrived in England in July 4th.
At the wedding reception, I meet an old friend, Ian Nicholson, who seems to have mislaid most of his hair since he was a thrusting youth when I first encountered him at the Shoulder of Mutton at Little Horwood some 25 years ago. Married now for the 4th time, I do hope the current Mrs Nicholson can find it in her heart to continue with her gracious community support programme by remaining married to him despite the very obvious difficulties she will encounter, indeed is already encountering.
I am criticised at the reception for wearing my favourite, well only, tie. It is green with lots of little banana skins. My response is that entering into marriage, as I know only too well to my own cost, is strewn with difficulties, one can slip up without warning, so my choice of banana themed neck wear seemed, to me at least, appropriate.
I also meet for the first time Paul Clark, who is in “insolvency”. I sometimes have the same problem when the alka setzer is slow to dissolve. In essence, he has a career made out of other people’s failures.This sounds like my old pal John Otway who has similarly been very successful as a failure.
Paul’s resemblance to Harry Hill, the alleged (but not by me) comedian is startling, but he was far funnier even although I do believe he was trying to be serious.
Budgetary control in their own household however seems less certain as delectable wife Tania revealed that having been given a generous budget for her 40th birthday celebrations had managed to exceed it by £7000!
Everything at the wedding was perfect, great venue at Kirklington Park, masses of champagne, great food, string quartet, great characters, makes me feel like getting married again, I wonder who I would choose?
Don’t worry, that nice lady decorator never reads this column so I a safe, for the moment….
Today, we travel to Weston Turville where we will be guests in our own house currently rented to friends. At least Jeff Newton will remain a friend as long as does the decent thing and loses to me at golf on Monday. Also expecting to part with the customary £10 are Paul “Corkscrew Slice” North.
Tonight a gathering of old friends at The Chequers in Weston Turville, all no doubt wanting to buy me drinks, so joyful will they be at my presence.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Plastic glasses in Henley shock
Dodging the omnipresent showers, we decided to call in at Henley for a pint at the Angel On The Bridge and try to sit outside. We succeeded, but plastic glasses? They served my Breakspears in a plastic glass. I am sorry, I don’t get, or accept the need for plastic glasses. Then there are the insects. Wasps, fruit flies, daddy-long-legs, horse flies.
Then the are the sirens, the lorries, the buses, even the general public destroying the atmosphere of this riparian establishment.
Call me old-fashioned (I am of course nearly as old as Wing commander Spensley), but all I wanted was a quiet pint in nice surroundings on the banks of the Thames, listening to the birds, looking at the boats meandering past on the almost imperceptible current, but all I got was bitter spilled on the plus fours due to those stupid glasses, a nasty little rash from insect bites, a nagging headache (a phrase I shall remember which as a future description of that nice lady decorator when she is being difficult) and a vague sense of dissatisfaction.
I think it was plastic glasses that set me off. Are people now so debauched in England that we cannot be trusted with glasses?, are we really expected to jettison them into the Thames, or lob them at passing leisure craft? Up north maybe, but not in Henley, surely?
I gave it a second chance last evening when dear old pal and wonderful rock n roll eccentric John Otway is popping in for a pint, early doors.
I have just read that back and I can hear a Yorkshire accent cutting in. Early doors? Where did I get that from? I should be, and I am, ashamed.
Talking of Yorkshire, I hear from Toby Savin who reminds me that he and Emma, the missionary doctor, acted as interpreters to secure the bottle of wine won at quiz night in Otley. He is rightly chagrined at this omission. Without a local interpreter we would have been unable to decipher the questions, so incomprehensible was the bingo callers accent, so to have with us someone who actually understood the local vernacular was vital..
Anyway, we popped back to The Angel to see if it was any better inside, and the answer is, not much, although no plastic glasses was a move forward. I partook of a pint of Hooray Henley, mainly because of its name, and wished I had not.
great name, crap beer
Mr Otway is in his usual fine form despite a very obviously dodgy hair colour job. I accept however that the hairdresser had very little raw material from which to work. He shows off an Ipad that he has bought, mainly it seems, for him to be able to read and re-read his own books.
Those that read the comments section of this column will have read the comments of Colin Dodd after the Little Horwood Cricket match recently. Obviously I apologise for suggesting that his career best is 7 or that he would ever take as little time as 22 overs to score these. I was also amused as his explanation as to how he stained his moustache! but I am aware that I have a number of young readers so will draw a polite veil over his explanation.
And so today we shall dash to the The Dashwood at Kirklington near Oxford to prepare for the wedding of Linda Warmbottom at The Oratory this afternoon. I wonder if she will be tempted to retain her own surname? There is no truth in the rumour that her new French husbands name is Jean Paul Chaudbiere.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Pigeon fanciers shock
The journey back south towards civilisation, away from the land of tripe sandwiches, ferreting and, pigeon fancying (yes, in Yorkshire, the keeping of pigeons is called fancying) was a torturous affair.
Personally, I sometimes say “I fancy a pint” or “I fancy a curry”. Never in my recollection have I ever thought “I fancy a pigeon”. I suppose I may have said “I fancy that bird” using the colloquial expression for girl, and if the pigeon fancier were using the expression to refer to one of the white stiletto, corn beef leg brigade that inhabit town centres up north late at night, then I could conceivably accept it, but I believe they mean they fancy pigeons….as they say in those parts “there’s now’t as queer as folk”, queer indeed!
Five hours on the motorway, joining the mass exodus no doubt dashing south to more civilised parts, driving through the now daily squalls and thunderstorms which presage the onset of winter, is not my idea of fun. However I find myself elated nonetheless.
I have Dave Wurr’s fiver stick stuck to my forehead and have the delicious prospect of removing more money from Paul “corkscrew slice” North on the golf course on Monday.
Northy, as he is known, has been too busy to organise the contest so I take charge yesterday and booked a tee time at Chiltern Forest Golf Club. This was for two reasons, firstly Northy hates the course with a passion and secondly as my old club, I know it like the back of my hand. Paul, why not just hand over the money and save yourself the pain and humiliation of losing to me despite your girls handicap?
The world of fridge magnets which he inhabits must be a strange and uncomplicated place. Can you imagine the sales pitch? Err… Its sticks on your fridge, how many do you want?…that’s it! I have a picture I took at Port Isaac Slipway Hotel who used fridge magnets in the shape of small Cornish pasties, which in my opinion are more edible that the real thing.
Fridge magnets shaped as Cornish Pasties. Northy was here
Also joining us on the golf course will be former french ex pat Mark Gurdon (aka Mr Surrey) who also professes to be very busy, despite that fact that he does not appear to have a job. As long as he brings his £10 and hands it over to me in time-honoured fashion, then I care not what he spends all his time not doing.
Last night we repaired to a very agreeable little pub at Waltham St Lawrence where I meet old music biz friend Brian Schofield and beautiful wife Helen, who live, rather aptly, at nearby Crazies Hill.
Brian has a remarkable career in the industry, working with some of the greats such as Herb Alpert who was the A of A and M records, which Brian ran and is one of the most respected record labels ever.
I discover that he is a reader of this column, and, as he had read that I was to be in the area, he suggested meeting for a pint. I think he was hoping to recover some of the advance he made to one of my companies a couple of years ago that is horribly unrecouped.
Once I had disavowed him of that intention by plying him with strong drink he quite forgot, or was reassured by my certainty that it was merely a matter of time before the deal paid off. Crazies Hill – I need say no more.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Yorkshire economy suffers blow
His 12 at the 3rd did nothing to help his cause but overall, despite his having played the course 1000 times, and my never having even seen it before, and my giving him 3 shots start, the best man won.
My picture today shows the dilemma the golf course manager faces at Wike Ridge. Being a Yorkshireman he will obviously not want to waste money by purchasing sand to put into the bunkers, mud will clearly do, but then, given the amounts of rainfall, and these have been copious over the last few days, the temptation must be to consider instead using the hole as a water hazard. He has clearly become caught in two minds.
bunker or water hazard? you decide
Our last evening in Yorkshire was spent celebrating my great victory and spending nearly all my £5 winnings, less than the normal 10 euros or £8 at today’s exchange rate, due to the tightness of Yorkshire betting precedents but very welcome nonetheless, at the Windmill at Linton, near Wetherby.
Today, with a song in my heart, despite the glowering clouds, drizzle and wind, we will head back to slightly sunnier climes, to Henley, where we will try to dry our clothes on something other than peat fires, and we will once again be able to enjoy the benefits of electricity.
A wedding on Saturday in The Oratory in Oxford, where old friend Linda Warmbottom has finally snared some poor unsuspecting foreigner into marriage. I suspect we will not be partaking of the excellent advice to get the park and ride bus into Oxford for the ceremony, I would happily pay whatever the fine might be for having the car towed away to avoid a 45 minute bus ride to a church! Sounds like a cue for that well-known AC/DC anthem “Highway To Hell”
The no doubt well-intentioned suggestion was made by the bride to be, who has a simple and honest heart, but personally, I don’t find it an exciting prospect to be dressed in my finery, seated alongside those remarkable human beings that reside in the likes of the Blackbird Leys estate or on the Cowley Road, out for a quiet afternoon of pickpocketing, perhaps a little mugging.
I am sure that it will be a wonderful occasion for Linda and I for one will be looking forward to the reception at Kidlington, although the edict that stilettos will not be allowed may cause me to rethink my costume for the night.
The prospect of 2 nights in Henley and some Fullers London Pride is enough to make my heart sing after the deprivations of the frozen but now just muddy north. The delights of France are merely days away. Paul and Claire Warner will be our hosts, Claire of course renowned in this blog for her inability to remain fully clothed in most social gatherings, and is thus an excellent host. The better the party the more likely are her indiscretions, so the prospect of their wedding anniversary coinciding with our visit is as delicious as Claire herself.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Shop found in Leeds!
After a long search we found the shop in Leeds. We were able to get some ferret food, some pigeon pellets and some tripe, all top quality market produce. They had a whippet for sale, but it looked a bit thin to me, I was tempted to buy it to feed it up a bit until it was pointed out that they are all that thin.
I thought the gin traps looked a bit fierce, and of course a gin trap in Valbonne has a very different meaning but can have equally fearsome results. In France a gin trap is when you happen to be at someone house at around 6pm, gin and tonic o clock, and one has little choice but to imbibe.
As far as I am able to ascertain, In Yorkshire a gin trap is designed to snare young animals which are then eaten. Both traps are just as difficult to spring however.
Fish n chips, which passes for gourmet food in Yorkshire, were (was?) taken at the Bracken Fox at Scarcroft and for lunch was quite decent, then siesta time before a trip to Otley to witness some Yorkshire music in the evening, where we meet Toby and Emma. Emma is a doctor so I ask her how her missionary work in these northern wastes is progressing.
Names like Scarcroft, Thorner, Louth and Grimsby seem to have a special place in the hearts of the locals. Who was it that woke up one morning a decided “I know, let’s call this place Grimsby”?
Grim, scars, thorns, louts? I understand the alliterations having visited some of them, whereas in the comparatively barmy south you have towns named after nice things, like Brighton, Dover and Ramsgate (that one was especially for our resident sheep lover Steve Weston -see blogs passim, ad nauseum), so bright, and dove being the genus to towns names in the south seems to tell a story….
The music impedes conversation to we adjourn
To the Rose and Crown in Otley where quiz night commences as we arrive, so second place was a good result, given our lack of preparation.
We were lucky to get there given the cloud bursts which meant we had several unmarked fords to cross and several diversions due to flooding.
Today I will play golf and collect my £10 from Dave Wurr. I know that removal of this amount of hard cash to turn into euros from the local economy will be a blow,He has not revealed the course where the contest will take place, but my picture today of what I believe to be a local course show the kind of challenge I can expect.
A typical golf course in Yorkshire, I imagine
I am beginning to allow myself to consider the delicious possibility of returning to the sunshine in France soon. The hardest part of the drudgery (actually Drudgery sounds like a good name for a northern town – whoever makes up the names, please note) is nearing an end, Tomorrow sees us back in the civilised south and, dare I say it?, the prospect of a pint or two of London Pride.
Oxford and Henley beckon but at least the weather forecasters have given up with the hype, rain is now forecast for every day we will be in England, it having rained at some stage on us every day since July 3rd when we arrived. But I will not be downcast, not with the prospect of sunshine soon in sunny Valbonne
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Entertainment (?), Yorkshire style
How the mighty have fallen. John Surtees, our host here in this inhospitable land, once a high flyer at Yorkshire Television, with responsibility for overseeing the production of Coronation Street and Emmerdale Farm, is now contemplating work on a project for northern “comedians” The Chuckle Brothers.
Coronation Street, as many will know, is a very popular depiction of town life for the elite in Yorkshire. It is the kind of existence that most locals aspire to.
I have never seen the programme, and have no wish to, but I am aware of its popularity in the south, where is viewed as a comedy. Conversely, I am also aware of The Chuckle Brothers who are clearly nothing to do with comedy and I cannot understand their popularity.
Mr Surtees retired from Yorkshire Television after making a name for himself by sacking half the workforce and closing the Yorkshire TV Bar, so perhaps it could be considered payback time to be forced into such a Chuckle Brothers scenario.
For all that he seems happy at the prospect, although if truth be known he will miss his ferrets when he goes back to work.
His pigeons and ferrets will also miss probably miss him, but one cannot stop the march of progress, and in Yorkshire terms a Chuckle Brothers TV series will be seen as progress, although I doubt the programme itself will be seen anywhere except Yorkshire, and as there are probably less than 100 TV sets in the county, I really can’t see the commercial viability of this.
Yesterday to lunch at the beautiful Crab and Lobster in Appleby, and it had a fantastic menu, and was faultless. It was good enough to have been adequate in Valbonne, that’s how good it was. Obviously it must be run by people from the south of England.
I should say here that probably the only reason we would contemplate visiting this county is at the invitation of some of our best friends, John and Rachel Surtees.
If there is a more beautiful and better endowed stunner in the whole of England as attractive as Rach then I would love to see her.
John however is a very different proposition. As taciturn as he is generous, I feel he fulfills Rachels needs for “a bit if rough’. However, such is his (frankly inexplicable to me) appeal to women that before that nice lady garden designer trapped me in marriage, she lived with John for 9 years!
Despite this we all get on extremely well, but there is for me one unresolved issue. Clearly John has “knowledge” of the current Mrs France, whereas I am not in a similar position with the current Mrs Surtees. I should say here that any position would do! However, my suggestions about, as it were, “squaring the circle” have so far fallen on stony ground, clearly I am not rough enough for her tastes.
So after a brief siesta, early doors at The Bracken Fox, where Black Sheep is waiting to be drunk. Any mention of sheep will of course be of interest to sheep fancier Steve Weston (see blogs passim) but Black Sheep is not as Steve may be imagining as a cute little negroid lamb, but a Yorkshire beer.
Then back to chill in the Surtees conservatory and listen to the un forecast rain drum on the roof – such are the entertainment possibilities in Yorkshire.
Whilst partaking of a nightcap Rachel reveals that she once started an avalanche in the Alps by burping loudly – oh how we laughed!! The Chuckle brothers should be worried!! Max the dog was on his back!
Max, on his back in merriment
This morning to a hamlet called Leeds, where there is reputedly a shop.
Tomorrow my first golf of the trip with old git mate Dave Wurr, unless the overnight rain continues through the day in which case mudslides and the like may preclude my taking the customary £10.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Banjo on dog trial?
Suddenly, I have a reason to like respect the evil cocker spaniel Banjo. Yesterday whilst I was guiding Little Horwood cricket club to a famous victory, that nice lady garden designer paid a visit to old friend Paul North, pictured a few days ago on this column.
Regular readers will remember the cheeky smile and unkempt hair of the art exhibit seen recently at the lost (now found) gardens of Heligan, but for those who missed it, here it is again.
A spitting image of Paul North, with that cheeky smile
She sensibly decided to remove Banjo from my presence and took him to visit the North’s. The nasty cocker showed his hitherto unseen value by having the vision and foresight to charge through the North’s newly planted bamboo hedge and followed that by urinating on Paul’s new gazebo.
Paul understandably states that should for any reason the malevolent canine ever enter his property again he willhave his arse kicked from here to eternity.
Now this provides me with an interesting opportunity to kill 2 birds with one stone.
If I can smuggle the stupid spaniel on to Paul’s property, persuade him to continue with his urination programme, and then draw to Paul’s attention the despicable acts Banjo will undertake, I can get his arse seriously kicked and derive a great deal of pleasure at the same time.
And so, the journey to the frozen north is upon us. Rain has fallen on every single day since I stepped back into England, and despite yet another extremely optimistic weather forecast from the clearly politically motivated weather politbureau, which was predicting 25 degrees Celsius and dry conditions, showers dogged us throughout the day.
The real temperature could not have been many degrees above zero, thus quite pleasant for the locals of Yorkshire to undertake their ferretting or dog trials, or whatever unpleasant activities that passes for recreation in these parts.
Actually, I have just thought, Paul North threatened me with a County Court Summons for Banjo’s activities, so perhaps Banjo should go to a dog trial? I would happily go to that. Imagine being able to pass sentence! I could get one of those little black hats that judges wear when they are going to hand down a death sentence…but I digress.
We walked across the muddy fields to a place called Bingley, which sounds like a down-market version of Bingo, a “game” that is apparently the highlight of most Yorkshire residents week.
Once there we found The Bingley Arms, an outpost selling the second best beer in the world; Timothy Taylor’s Landlord. Now my normal maximum intake in order to maintain my exceptional powers of observation is around 3 pints, but etiquette required me to match the consumption of out hosts John and Rachel Surtees, and I lost the ability to count after 6 pints..
I suppose given the obviously limited recreation opportunities open to the residents of Yorkshire, I should not have been surprised by the gusto with which an opportunity to drink beer until oblivion was grasped by all and sundry, but I confess I was.
Vague recollections of splashing through marshy backwaters, dogs in ponds and whippets, merge into partial recall of dinner (Sicilian Lamb I think). Then suddenly at 4am I awoke, lost and disoriented in the ice caked north, in a bedroom I do not recall seeing before.
And so ended the first 24 hours of my sentence.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Chris France's Blog 