Wood Jokes – Logging Off
With the first load of logs collected I thought I should email my fellow mustachioed old git, the wingco, to say thank you, but as he does not have my email address, a fact that he has emailed me to confirm on at least 7 previous occasions, I will not be certain he has received it. I have asked him in the past to confirm receipt but have usually received curt replies indicating that he has not in fact received the email. I thought there might be some more mileage in wood jokes to continue yesterdays theme, so I suggested that his barking tone was rubbering (it’s a tree!) me up the wrong way. I think he twigged that we was not very poplar.
Ok, that’s enough tree jokes for today, let us move to something else. I have been looking through the comments on this blog and Mike Preston makes some good points about Sunderland, where sadly he is marooned in the early winter snows at present. His observation that the colder it gets, the more flesh is shown by the girls of Sunderland (who inspired the Fat Slags in Viz) is as accurate as it is true, also the total amount of clothing worn up north usually has nothing to do with shape or weight or indeed prevailing weather conditions. The rare size 10 up there is perhaps slightly under dressed according to normal civilised standards, but when the same amount of material is used for a size 22, which is the majority… well I think you get my drift wood.
Talking of Viz, that scurrilous, obscene but brilliantly funny adult comic whose invention The Fat Slags was turned into a film, they also invented the character Buster Gonads. My old friend John Otway and another old pal, Andy Partridge from XTC once wrote a song which was commissioned by Viz about Buster Gonads which reached Numbers 1,2,3,4,5,8,13 and 17 in their chart called “Bags Of Fun With Buster, And His Super Testicular Cluster”, sadly, that was the only chart it did appear in. Otway’s latest book, “Regrets, I’ve Had A Few” in which I am seriously libelled, although not as badly as in his first book “I did It Otway” is out now and can be ordered in hardback from his website www.johnotway.com, see below.
Peter Lynn suggests that a 2005 Bordeaux is not old enough to be out on its own and he is right, however, I might die before I get to drink it according to his time scale so I will take the risk of it being slightly undercooked.
Next week I must once again venture over to the cold and wet London for work , this time to attend a seminar and doubtless impart my knowledge of how best to educate you lucky people about the value of opening an account with Currencies Direct so I shall keep an eye out for girls from Sunderland, actually they are just as likely to have your eye out. In retrospect the only girls I ever met from Sunderland was called Cherry and Rose, and they both wood.
Chris France
Buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Jokes a bit wooden?
I am happy to report that I have a hangover. After a couple of days of semi-enforced abstinence, I feel re invigorated by my headache and bleary eyes, I know that today’s column will be a great improvement. They say that artists need to experience something that emotionally or physically moves them in order to be able to write or sing about it, and, as I have the worst voice in Christendom, I will have to write.
I can hear the wingco groaning. Having occasionally read what I have written I think he would prefer anything, even me singing, as an alternative to having to read this blog, which he once memorably described as “ghastly”. A few beers in the pav early doors whilst the sun went down set me on the way, then a nice 2005 Bordeaux was opened, well, opened by me, which thankfully I did not have to share with that nice lady decorator as she prefers white wine, but most of which was dealt with in customary fashion (Northy, it means most of it was drunk).
I have the delights of visiting the tip to empty my trailer. My son believes that the trailer is only half full which I guess one could describe as optimism? as my picture shows.
My son believes this is half full. Does that make him an optimist or a pessimist?
My old friend Pash is back from the far east where he drives a big private jet for some middle eastern billionaire. He tells me that he is worried about jet lag having flown for nearly 45 minutes last month. I tell him to be careful about the dangers of DVT. (no Northy, that’s an insect spray).
The wingco has some logs he wants to move, so we have been exchanging emails with all the wood jokes (even although he claims not to have my email address). I think mine this morning was the best, it read “Wood that I had your email address, as it goes against the grain that you do knot. My young sapling and I will arrive late morning to “deal” with the logs. If we are a little late, please don’t pine. Actually, I don’t want too many, I would be sycamore. Teak care” . I am awaiting a suitable response. I do hope it is an animated response, and not too wooden.
Plans for the weekend look like changing with the weather forecast, from a trip to Castellane in favour of a barbecue at the Vignale tennis club, scene of the mustachioed old gits recent triumph in their tennis tournament, well, round 1 anyway, and a beach day on Sunday, UK readers please note, I have seen your weather forecast on Sky, so any claims to be lying on sun loungers sipping cold cocktails will be treated with the contempt they deserve.
Finally, I must warn of a scam at Macdonald’s in Mouans Sartoux, where pretty young girls solicit lifts and suggest favours, then they steal your wallet. So far I have had mine stolen on Saturday, Monday, twice on Tuesday, and twice yesterday, so please take care.
Chris France
Buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Hammock in wifi breakthrough
I have made a breakthrough which will enable even me to increase my efficiency and writing proficiency. I have discovered that the wifi signal reaches my hammock!
It took a good deal of exploration to make this discovery, carrying the laptop all around the garden to test whether or not the wireless would function. In effect this knowledge adds another ante-room to my office suite (otherwise know as the kennel for more than one reason). Along with the pav, I now have an additional area in which lovingly to create your daily ration of rubbish carefully created and crafted anecdotes and observations about the idle rich of Valbonne. I know you will be pleased for me, especially my readers in the UK, who I suspect may be worried about whether or not I am getting enough sunshine. For those people alone, I show the picture below.
New office ante-room. All I need now is a gone to lunch sign
I have always found the creative process benefits from being comfortable. This discovery will almost certainly aid and improve (if that is indeed possible) my prose for your edification and delight.
Yesterday I piloted Bluebell the camper around the area, testing it to ensure the 41-year-old girl is up for a trip to the mountain to Castellane should we decide to go at the weekend. I happened past Savills in Plascassier, who have wisely affiliated to Currencies Direct and dropped in. Former Stiff Records staff member and rock n roll chick Fiona, who is as beautiful as she is scary, and who runs the office with a rod of iron, possesses that same steely look that the nice lady decorator exudes. A camper van fan, she cast her laser beam blue eyes at Bluebell and I thought I saw them soften a little but I was probably mistaken. There can of course be no dilution of the formidable presence that is required to be able to argue loudly in French with the French and actually relish it!
Today I must continue my writing for Cote d’Azur villa rentals which is thankless task , thankless that is until payday which sadly is still some weeks away. I am glad that I have some serious function to occupy me as I seem to fail at every household task I am given. For instance, I have just been interrupted during the creative process in the hammock by that nice lady decorator to be told that apparently I have hung my sons T-shirts on the line wrongly. Until just one minute ago, I was blissfully unaware that there was a right and a wrong way to peg out scabby hole ridden T-shirts, however I now bask in the warmth of this new knowledge, even if it was imparted to me with a disdainful mocking air.
The wingco did not respond to me request that he put in a secretly planned impromptu appearance last evening, so I was forced to eschew alcohol for the second night this week, if you discount the single pint of Guinness the night before. This seems to me to have proved the concept of being able to say no, so I shall be looking to celebrate with a nice 2005 Bordeaux this evening.
Chris France
Buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
Rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Writers; Liars and thieves?
Just as I was about to accept an invitation to play golf next Sunday, a decision was made by that nice lady decorator, that we are going to visit Castellaine instead, in Bluebell the camper. It is difficult to know whether I would have agreed with this decision as I was not privy to whatever thought processes were brought to bear in making that decision, but I know to my cost in the past that to oppose such a decision, no, merely even to question the decision brings more grief than just saying “What a good idea”. Fleetingly I thought about suggesting that I try to get game of cricket at Cabris, on the way up on Saturday, but one look at those glowering eyebrows and that fixed expression that seemed to be saying “go on, suggest it, if you dare” and I decided on balance to keep quiet, except for the congratulatory noises one is expected to make when that nice lady decorator has made a decision with which she is pleased.
Some clouds in the sky this afternoon finally persuades me to give The Cannes Boat Show a bit of a swerve, and later a shower of rain justified my decision. Last night to see some film in Valbonne at the Pres Des Arts which has a nice little cinema where they show some English language films from time to time. Tamara Drewe I think it was called, which I found very interesting until I unaccountably dozed off after the opening credits.
Snoring has never really gained me the brownie points I feel I deserve and snoring in a public place for some reason seems to score double. Last night was no exception, so with the help of a couple of match sticks jammed in the eyes to keep the eyelids up, I watched the film. I have no idea what happened or what it was about but I was told it was very good, and for the sake of a quite life I concurred vigorously. It seems that a rushed pint of Guinness in The Queens Legs first was something of a mistake in terms of cognitive awareness. I was all for a game of pool instead of a film, but those that know the current Mrs France will have some idea of how she might have reacted to such a suggestion. Actually there was one thing I remember from the film, it was a description of writers as “liars and thieves”, but that cannot be true as I am now a writer myself. I know she loves me really, she once wrote it in the sand as my pictures shows. When I saw it, I said, I know, you owe me big time – result? brief romantic interlude destroyed.
I love you or I owe You?
Today will be alcohol free again, unless something impromptu happens so I have begun think about what I can stage that might look appropriately impromptu. A visit from the wingco should do it, I will ring him up and ask him to drop round at about 6.30, beer o clock.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Gruff northener makes fashion statement
St Donat golf course sat as pretty as a picture at 9am yesterday, ready to host the Landlubbers weekly gathering. I was in a high state of anticipation because it is normally such a verdant source of material for this column. However, despite my best efforts to provoke a reaction, very little of true gossip, innuendo or deliberate fabrication was forthcoming.
I attempted to get conversation going by reminding Iueun (Yes I think, I know, stupid name but he’s Welsh and with a brooding countenance, and perhaps even a sinister and unspoken love of daffodils lurking beneath that otherwise urbane exterior) about some events last evening. Notable during after dinner discussions was the fact that our token Welshman apparently knows where one can buy plastic blow up sheep.
Regular readers will know that information of that type must be noted immediately by the writer of this column in order to impart to any sheep loving chaps that I come across.
Regular followers will also know that one of the Landlubbers golfers has form in this area. Thus I threw this piece of information into the post golf conversation, but Mr Weston (yes it he to whom I was referring) refused to react. I think he has finally realised that he often helps this column to write himself.
I admit to several other attempt to steer (does that have any sheep connotations?) The conversation towards the subject so beloved of my golf playing pal, with references to getting fleeced, and the like, but he would not be drawn, how very disappointing! Instead I cast my eyes a little wider for some entertainment and found gruff northerner Dave Goddard wearing these trousers.
Dave Goddard, pleased with his new trousers, but why are his hands hidden behind his back?
What can one say, designed by a Yorkshireman, worn by a Yorkshireman, the only question to ask is why? I am sure that Dave believes rather naively that they are the height of fashion , but then so did people wearing Oxford Bags, flairs and nine-inch heels. In the 19th century they believed leeches were good for your health, you get my drift? Anyway, he seemed content in his own little northern world, dreaming of tripe sandwiches or sheep, and who am I to judge him?
Well actually I do judge him. I am someone who writes a column taking the piss out of my mates and given one of them was wearing these trousers he should be ready for everything thrown at him. I did not notice at the time, but his hands are placed firmly behind his back, perhaps in some kind of guilty defensive gesture, but if you look carefully, it appears as if he has had a little accident and is trying to cover it up. Luckily I do not believe he can read so I think I am safe from any reaction.
Today I am supposed to be popping down to the Cannes Boat Show, but may have to plead pressure of work. What, with my column in the Riviera Times to write and my work to ensure that both Blue Water Yachting and Cote D’Azur Villa Rentals remain top of the google rankings, not to mention my work to ensure all I come into contact with understand the savings they can make with Currencies Direct, I am exhausted by 11am and need lunch and a siesta to recover.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Uri Geller Spoon Shock
Only once in a blue moon will you see dogs playing swingball
As you can see from my photograph above, it was a lovely clear night chez Mellissa and Nigel Graves, with the clearest blue moon I have ever seen. They had kindly laid on some entertainment for us in the form of their dogs playing swingball, although my pictures does not do it justice, what a kind thought,and how original?
My money is on the black one
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Moustachiod Old Gits in Tennis Shock?
Part of the fitness routine that I endure to keep my Adonis like figure in peak condition involves walking. Not a stroll, but a full-on power walk up hills and down dales through the beautiful Valmasque Forest. That nice lady decorator who lives in the same house as I, often accompanies me, and I, despite many who would disagree, am gentlemanly enough to let her lead the way through the tiny paths that we like to walk, otherwise it would be me having to break through the spiders webs that appear overnight.
Last night the plan was to go for the first square bashing in ages, although that is not strictly true as we lunched in the square with some old friends over from Blighty. I felt that having been away from the square for so long, I needed to be broken in gently. The occasion was the forthcoming birthday of possibly the oldest man in Christendom, the wingco. But as things do here, the venue was changed to the Valbonnaise, a family run and fun restaurant at the top of Valbonne.
Unwisely,we stopped by for an a sharpener with the wingco in the way and things began to go downhill from there. He has a prodigious appetite for red wine and stupidly I decided to try to keep pace with him. The excited talk about tactics in our first ever tennis tournament, plus the thirst I had built of over 3 days on the temperance wagon were partially to blame, but the proximity of the wingco’s birthday, which is today may also have had something to do with it, anyway suffice to say that there is a dent in the European wine lake this morning. Actually you can’t have a dent in a lake so I guess I should say lowering in the level, and that phrase seems to sum up a number of other elements of last night.
Luckily our children all had visitors and with the place trashed a few weeks ago by teenage rampages we were reluctantly able to reject the offer of cognac on the wingco’s terrace to survey and attempt damage limitation at our house. What a wise decision, some dozen or so supercharged teenagers were about to destroy the last vestiges of any relationship with our neighbours until we arrived home to party poop as only a parent knows how.
Another crap picture today, of I believe a cana. I must get out more.
A cana from the garden. yes I know its boring, I will improve
And so to the tactics for tennis today. From what I recall, I think we have decide to play power tennis. The wingco and I are entered into the tournament as in our customary name of the Moustchiod old Gits, and we are hoping that serving big and going for winners from the off is the best tactic. We are hoping that the opposition fail to realise until too late that neither of us have ever had a tennis lesson in our lives and play tennis a bit like we play cricket. Our problem will be if we come up against two 19-year-old prodigies, it could be over very quickly.
Tomorrow golf with the Landlubbers at my favourite local course St Donat, accompanied by Dave The fade, Mick German Shooting Trousers Pedley, Steve sheepish Weston et al. A full report will follow tomorrow
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Jimi Hendrix at Cowes Regatta?
Even aged 4, I have a picture of me on a beach refusing to take my shoes and socks off, so the water aversion started early. I was once invited to a champagne reception in Cannes harbour, but just as I was about to board, the boat moved. I went to the Irish pub instead.
Two years ago I was persuaded to take a boat down to St Tropez for the day and was sick as a dog on the way back, redistributing a nice lunch across the Mediterranean, so I am predisposed towards hating going on boats, however many have a lovely form and evoke a lifestyle to which I aspire, so I like looking . Recently I have written aver 50 articles on yachts despite knowing almost nothing about them, but don’t tell Pete at Bluewater Yachting.
Tonight the celebrations commence for the wingcos birthday. He wont tell us how old he is but we suspect something in his late 60’s is about right, so a bit of square bashing (v. meaning to abuse food an alcohol in Valbonne Square) now that most of the tourists have gone. This should be considered pre tournament training for our tennis match on Saturday. Doubtless we will discuss tactics and forget anything we have said by the time we get on court, as is customary. I have suggested that he might like to purchase a post war racket but he will have none of it. Apparently if it was good enough for Fred Perry, it is good enough for him. I think it was made before even cat gut was invented, it appears to be constructed of something like wattle and daub, certainly there is a cloud of dust whenever he hits the ball but I cannot work out whether that is coming from the racket or him. . Actually, daub is an idea, perhaps if we daubed our faces in some warlike way we may scare our opponents into submission, we need something. I suspect ignominious could be the description of our defeat.
Actually the wingco tells me he was at the Isle of Wight, as were my old pals Otway and religious nut Jet Spotter (who confirmed his intolerance of anything vaguely critical of religion in a comment on this blog recently). With his (the wingcos) upper class upbringing and attending all the right schools, none of which I have ever heard of, I was certain he meant he was on the Isle Of Wight for the Cowes Regatta until he mentioned Jimi Hendrix, unless there was a stalwart of Cowes week of the same name?
In an overhang from my teetotal three days, and the boring nature that I developed during that time, my picture today is of a fungus I found when out walking this morning. You will be glad to hear that I slipped off the wagon today so will hopefully become more interesting by the end of the weekend.
Pharmacies in France are required to identify any mushroom or toadstool you take them, to see if there are edible. I did not bother with this one - it looks deadly to me.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Man With Sheep – Picasso
During my research yesterday, I think I have uncovered the reason that my sheep fancying golfing accomplice, Steve Weston, lives in Cannes. It appears that Picasso spent a number of years in nearby Valluaris, and did his first works experimenting with clay. Apparently, so taken with Vallauris as a town, and as a thank you to the townsfolk, Picasso produced a work in bronze called Man with Sheep, which I reproduce below;
My first reaction is that I have no comment to make, but as the day develops, I believe I will have something to say about this, but invite my readers to contribute any comments that they may wish to make. In the meantime, let me leave this subject with a some information that reached me yesterday. Did you know that in 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom using a sheep’s bladder. In 1873 the English refined this idea by removing the bladder from the sheep first..
Many of you will know that I am a big test cricket fan and I follow all the test cricket playing nations to try to predict the results. With that in mind, I can confirm that The Pakistani team beat Somerset by 5 wickets next Thursday.
It was slightly windy yesterday, so not being a good sailor, I decided to delay my trip to the Cannes Boat Show until today (that and my free tickets did not arrive!) so I shall be visiting today. I will almost certainly feel it my duty to ensure that there has been no slippage of the standards of the beach restaurants whilst i have been absent during summer and so I shall choose one at random to review. This will mean the customary good review for Rado Plage assuming that I receive the customary good treatment there, if you know what I mean, and I am sure that maitre D, Olivier, knows just what I am thinking.
The wingco has entered us into a tennis tournament at the weekend. Now I have never had a tennis lesson, and have only ever played with my mates, and although I know I talk a good game, the prospect of playing against proper tennis players in a tournament is somewhat daunting. Especially if they are french, because if our opponents are English I could at least try to talk them out of. Gamesmanship, as opposed to sportsmanship is my strength, as Mark Gurdon in particular will testify. If I can get anyone to listen I reckon I can get anyone to have secret self doubts about their ability or technique. This method works particularly well on the golf course when one can use phrases like “that water is not really in play” or “watch out for the bunker on the right” I am afraid that I do not conform to the English stereotype of enjoying the game rather than the victory, I am quite happy to hate the game but enjoy the triumph, which I find is best enjoyed with a bank-note on my forehead in the bar afterwards. Magnanimous in victory, sulky in defeat could be my epitaph.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Profits of Doom
Peter Lynn tells me about his circumspect friend who has just started his own business manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats. His friend tells him, apparently that prophets are going through the roof. This is the kind of thing my friends send through to me to distract me from my important creation of unique content for an ever-growing body of customers. Here am I, trying to educate the ex-patriot masses into signing up for Currencies Direct, so that I can save them money, but most of the time all I get are jokes, so please guys, please keep them coming.
Talking of jokes, Mr Gurdon fails to see the deliberate humour a few weeks ago in my description of his reaffirming his marriage (vowels as opposed to vows) in Las Vegas by Elvis himself last year. He claimed to have booked a “Love Me Tenderly” package, whereas I suggested that his wife would be better off with the “Return To Sender” package. It was a joke (about letters keep coming back), but was so clearly lost on him that he commented accordingly, suggesting that my spelling was not up to scratch. Mark, you had a good education, do please do try to keep up, I don’t want to have to explain each joke in the column.
Two days have now passed and I have not touched a drink, but this afternoon I thought I saw a sheep in wolves clothing, wearing a tutu and flippers, but I could have been mistaken. However, what you don’t want or need when trying to prove to yourself that you can exist without alcohol, are smart arse kids getting cold beers out of the fridge at 6 30pm, beer o clock, especially with the football looming a bit later and with ones lips so parched, anyway I have done it, two days without a drink, but Cannes for the Boat Show later today will almost certainly prove a teetotal day too far.
One thing that happens to you without alcohol is that you become mind numbingly boring, thus to illustrate that I am using a picture taken from my garden today of a nice tree flower. I have no idea what it is called.
Flowers from a tree, yes I know its boring, I will try to do better
If ever there should be a warning about the dangers of not taking drink, that would be a good start. Historically, the English have always been generally suspicious of people who didn’t drink at all, it seems it goes back to the battle of Hastings when all the soldiers were given mead, a strong alcoholic beverage before battle to gird their loins for the fight as it were.
A sensational electrical storm last night which went on for 3 hours and deposited about 6 inches of rain on my garden has all cleared away and the sunshine is back. That is why we live here, rain is a fleeting concept and sunshine is normal, and September is just about the nicest month to be down here.
Chris France
buying a house in France, or moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Shepherds Spy Shock
I hear from Regs golfer Dave Goddard, himself from up north, about some sheepish goings on. Unfortunately the comment started with “nar lad” and as I don’t speak Yorkshire I don’t have any idea what he is on about. I asked him if he could translate but I think he thought I was referring to transsexual behaviour so I backed away.
He tells me however that the MI6 chappie whose body was found in a bag in London last month was named Brian Shepherd, a fact that will alert sheep fanciers all over Cannes called Steve Weston. Apparently there is no truth in the rumour that he was stabbed and put in a hot bath first, because if that has been the case the police may have treated it as a boil in the bag Shepherd Spy.
Tonight, we had half a plan to visit Cannes for the Riviera Comedy Club event at Morrison Irish Bar, but in the event jet lag took over and that nice lady decorator decided that we did not want to go. If you were to assume that I was not consulted, you would be right. My picture today is non controversial, taken this morning on a walk through the Valmasque
The River Brague between Valbonne and Biot
Cannes boat show commences on Wednesday and given my new journalistic credentials I shall be required to attend, and may be forced to visit one of the beach restaurants to ensure standards have not dropped
during the summer whilst I have been away. Yesterday afternoon was spent assiduously testing the loungers and hammock to ensure they were all functioning correctly after the busy rental season. You will be glad to know that so far I have not discovered any defects, but there are several loungers which have not yet received the benefit of my rigorous testing procedure.
My (very) old dear friend Peter Lynn comments that my diatribe against religion in this column recently was though provoking, and he is of course correct. What disturbs me is the thought that in the 4 months since I started this column, it is the first time I have been described as though provoking. Of course I have always tried to be provocative, that is what I have discovered I can do. So to continue the theme of provocation, here are another couple of thoughts; Could a Rastafarian proctologist be called a Pokemon? and if so, if he was adopting the formal dignified bearing adopted by proctologists, would that be known as Rectitude?
When there is a disaster around the world, the bad taste jokes are not far behind, but until recently I had only seen one about the Pakistan disaster, but several reached me recently, and the only one I can print is “what do you call a Pakistani with a boat? Answer; Mustafa Dinghy. Some of the Pakistan cricketers must be wishing they had stayed in Pakistan despite the problems that continue over there….
So far I have no takers for my proposed group trip to Brisbane in November to see the first Ashes test between England and Australia. The wingco is determined not to come unless its to Sydney and Melbourne, but that nice lady decorator will not countenance that, so at the moment it looks like I am going on a Johnny no mates trip to Auz. Please, somebody, tell me you want to go.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Gory Scottish send off
Our send off from the frozen northern wastelands near Lout with an h was a very impressive but macabre display of some kind, which I was not able fully to understand but have been trying to come to terms with. I have been in Africa, and have also seen heathen and wild jungle ceremonies take place on TV which are as incomprehensible as they are fascinating. They can be horrible, but much in the way one slows down to look at the site of a recent traffic accident, they are often compelling and appalling in equal measure. Such was the one man “ceremony” yesterday, a picture of which I show below.
No apologies for this photo. It is as it was. The man with the silly hat appears to be abusing either a sheep or a chicken
I have no idea what the animal is that is suffering such pain, and have no idea how that obvious pain is obviously being suffered, as evidenced by the excruciating sounds that were being emitted, unless the chap wearing the silly hat is firing blow darts into the carcass of whatever poor beast is the object of his attention.
The noise was almost indescribable, a wailing cacophony of mind bending proportions. I can only think of one previous occasion when I have been subjected to an intensity of sound that was so disturbing and brain addling, and that was in 1969 at Hyde Park when Grand Funk Railroad were playing, but at least they did not seem to be visiting pain onto some poor animal, unless I was that animal.
I believe it is some kind of Scottish ritual which is played out time and time again in those savage wilds further north than the north of England, and believe it involves a part of a sheep, so Steve Weston, my sheep fancying golfing pal will immediately become interested at this point. However, even he seems to revere sheep (in his own peculiar and over familiar way) so even he might be unsettled by what this poor sheep appears to be undergoing. If it is indeed a sheep, then it has clearly been starved for most of its life, as you can see from the picture, its legs, which I presume are those spindly things sticking up in the air, are skeletally thin, but perhaps that is normal up north.
It seems that even the good people of Lincolnshire are ashamed of the antics of the wild Pict nation to its north, and whilst not confronting them (that can be a very dangerous action which finished with something known as a Glasgow kiss) they do seem to have some modicum of decency when it comes to laying the poor sheep to rest after being ravaged by a mad Scotsman, as my second picture today shows.
This gravestone is touching in that it seems that someone's favourite sheep has been laid to rest with its owner. Either this is an acknowledgement of the wickedness visited upon the sheep as shown by the earlier picture, or there is more than one Steve Weston in the world
And so, with spirits rising with the increasing certainty that we were escaping the tundra and midges as we trekked south, to sunny Stanstead (I know that concept is a difficult one to hold, but stay with me here) and then that joyous moment when we took off from squalor and cold to land in the Nice, home of the euro – yes, this is where the plug comes – and arrived back in sunny Valbonne in late afternoon.
Now you might think that after 3 days of pre wedding and post wedding celebrations, that I might be allowed a quiet evening to get over the gory celebrations of earlier, but no, we are whisked off to neighbours for yet more drinks and a take away pizza, but, after the food of the last 3 days, I guess one needs something a little rough to make the transition from the equivalent of tripe to nectar.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Beware of the sign(s)
And so to the wedding near Lout with an h. My suggestion that we should perhaps sample a couple of pints of Timothy Taylor Landlord on the way to church was met with that abrupt and dismissive reaction, which I may have misread but seemed on balance to indicate that the idea did not find favour.
The service was religious. That in itself, if not a surprise, is an affront. I am all in favour of pretty little English churches, with all their local history, and charming atmospheric buildings, pretty flowers and the like, but where it all falls down for me is the religion bit. I do not see why non believers like myself have to sing hymns and praise a god that I fear does not exist, just to congratulate some friends in their decision to marry. It is hypocritical.
Don’t get me wrong, I totally agree with the moralistic values of marriage, it’s just the church which gets in the way for me. A moral code and appreciation of right and wrong should not in my opinion be dependent upon whether it is celebrated or endorsed in church, and all that hymn singing, prayer mumbling mumbo jumbo that goes with it. I love the singing of All Things Bright And Beautiful, and even have a favourite hymn, Jerusalem (what a great song, but how do the lyrics to that fit into Christianity?), and I sing then with joy but without the acceptance of the religious imagery contained within.
Anyway, a lovely service, a quiet country wedding in a lovely church with humour and passion was the result followed by a great reception, where they must have had generators brought in to supply electricity and despite the wasps and midges, Emma and Toby had a great day, as did we all.
Prior to the event, and in a bid to loosen some of the swathes of flesh one gathers when in Northern England to keep out the cold, we went for a stiff walk. Hills were of course out of the question in thsi flat wilderness, so power walking techniques were employed. Whilst walking I chanced across this house, and more pertinently this gate.
Gate, with no fence. perhaps a sign should be erected "beware of interbred yokels"
So, what is the point of this gate? I suppose even more pointless than its existence would be a sign saying “please close the gate” or “beware of dog”. If there were a sign should it say is ” beware of thick local residents”?.
I was also in trouble when I saw another sign outside a house which said “free range eggs” how nice, I thought, considering that I may have misjudged the locals, but as I filled up an egg carton with these freely offered items, I was informed rather pointedly that they were not free at all.
Today, we are able to escape back to civilisation which is France and I will be able to un-peel several layers of clothing by this afternoon when we will touch down at Nice in the sunshine, and there is the prospect of some edible food and, as I have come to realise does not seem to exist in England, fruit.
The Comedy Club in Cannes beckons for Monday, after which I am going to have an alcohol free week, until our next engagement on Wednesday.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
Lincolshire sausages and road kill, a link?
I was going to plead pressure of my writing work to avoid the polite request for volunteers to help set up for the wedding reception, until I found myself, like a rabbit, in the headlights of that gaze which that nice lady decorator saves for occasions when she considers I am avoiding some duty or other. So we set off on the 20 minute drive to the venue with a combination of google maps and female map reader. In retrospect, I think we made good time in an hour and a half, once you understand the provocation that nice lady map reader was under. It must be terribly difficult to concentrate on simple directions, whilst texting and phoning friends. Thus we visited many parts of the fens, which I am afraid to report are all exactly the same, dull depressing and totally flat, with I think it was mist over the tundra, but could have been clouds of midges. We passed villages which seem by their names to express the true horror of their location. Some called out to me, Muckton I think was the one that called to me the most, although the sign to Grimsby also spoke volumes. Then there was Swaby, which put me in mind of wounds and a doctor, which is rather apt as the bride today, Emma, whose wedding we are attending, is a GP! They at least have the decency up here to name their hamlets in an appropriately graphic manner.
Now I must visit the subject of Lincolnshire sausages, regarded up here as a delicacy. From the first taste one conjures up various fleeting aromas or nuances, at first I though, herbs, spices, perhaps cinnamon, but then it gradually dawned on me, road kill, animal dung, cat fur, tripe and one I can’t quite put my finger on but which reminded me of Steve Weston, so probably had something to do with sheep. In my opinion, they are like the Cornish pasty, nothing is wasted around here, any left overs, food, drink, sawdust, animal droppings and road kill all blend together in a cylindrical shape and are called Lincolnshire sausages. Delicious!
Once at the reception venue, we were detailed to build the trampoline. Despite my protestations that I did not expect to make use of such an item, eventually I took on the mantle of chief delegator and foreman, after a two-hour debacle of failed construction. Once I took control it was up in a jiffy.
Trampoline construction process not responding to brute force and ignorance
I hear nothing from Mark Gurdon, who remains a confirmed cad and bounder until he forwards the offending picture.
Margaret Thatcher is from the area, perhaps it is the utter desolation of her surroundings that spurred to great or inglorious feats depending on your political persuasion. It is also claimed that Sir Isaac Newton invented the theory of relativity in this area when an apple fell on his head. This clearly a fabrication as I have not seen a tree within 100 miles.
And so today to church, where I shall once again be wearing my banana tie, saved for weddings, which for me sums up the slippery problems that go hand in hand with the state of marriage, as I know too well from personal experience. Yes, she is still not reading this column….
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
633 squadron should have bombed fens
And so to Lout without an h. We arrived at Stanstead, the current Mrs France delighted with her new chip passport, which would have allowed her to jump the huge queues at passport control, had they chip and pin option actually been open. So a long queue for both us was followed with travelling miles and miles in the gathering gloom across the fens, the flattest and most boring countryside I have ever witnessed, a bit like the Australian outback but without the warmth, the colour, the kangaroos and the charm. They tell me they drained the fens to make this land in the 17th century, but they did tell me why. I think Henry VIII summed up the area perfectly when he said “the most brutal and beestlie of the whole realm”
But I am determined to make the best of it. They was some drinkable beer when we arrived at what I presume is the only pub in Lincolnshire. They even offered me some fish, which stupidly I accepted before remembering that all fish served up north comes surrounded by fourteen times the weight of its own batter.
The locals though are charming, at least that is according to that nice lady decorator who speaks the lingo, her having been brought up in nearby Yorkshire (actually that explains a few things, I may return to that theme). Of course they are utterly incomprehensible to me, a London boy. There is also the preponderance of high foreheads and some eyes are rather too close together, and I am not certain the barman did not have six fingers.
We managed to follow someone back to where we are billetted for the next few days, through the swirling mist and temperatures hovering just around freezing. I say billetted as a reference to the Dam Buster 633 Squadron which was based at nearby Woodhall Spa in the 2nd World War. I guess the only reason they didn’t bomb this are is that they would have had nowhere to land! Also, I guess they would have become really bored, imagine the maximum size of dam needed to dam the fens? A cricket ball dropped from a hundred feet would probably do it.
I was always a little suspicious of why we arrived on a Thursday for a wedding taking place on a Saturday and this morning the reason was revealed, we are required to go to the reception venue and help prepare. I presume this means clearing some forest, or draining some fens or clearing animal slurry or some such awful pastime. I am so glad I only packed by Gucchi loafers, I am sure they will be up to the task.
One thing I did notice is that it is very cheap to eat and drink here, this is because of how I have become used to a depressed euro rate (you didn’t think you were going to get through this column with out a plug for my important work with Currencies Direct did you?).
My picture today was going to come from Mark Gurdon, son of a general and former alumni of Wellington, but as I, and many of his contemporaries no doubt remember, he is a cad and a bounder. After promising to exchange photographs, I of course, kept my word, as is the unwritten rule in the bleak ghetto’s of South London where I came from, but Mark “silver spoon” Gurdon, with all his education and upbringing has broken his word.
Crop circles in Wiltshire, but look, hills!
Instead, I show a picture of some crop circles I took in the summer. It is not that I like the picture. I had previously rejected it, but after travelling for what seemed like several thousand miles across a flat landscape, I just wanted to see some hills.
Chris France
buying a house in France, moving money? www.currenciesdirect.net/chrisfrance
Latest local news? http://www.fr2day.com/
Best Estate Agency in Valbonne? http://www.rivierarealty.net/
Best French Riviera Property Agent?
http://www.afa-international.com/
http://frenchriviera-properties.com/
rent my house in summer? http://www.holiday-rentals.co.uk/p412514
Best on line resource in Valbonne? http://www.valbonneonline.com/
Secret supper club http://www.red-radish.com/
Wedding reception? http://www.bastidestmathieu.com/
Valbonne Tourist Office http://www.tourisme-valbonne.com
Top quality interior designer? http://www.marineguigue.com/
John Otway’s New Book? www.johnotway.com
Modular portable exhibition system? http://www.creative-village.co.uk/web_ads/bigger_picture.html
Living France, Le Blog http://livinginfrance.mon-coach-langues.com
Best Estate Agent in Mandelieu? www.chrisma.com
Ceramic Cafe in Biot? www.latassedecouleur.com
Rent a villa in Cote D’Azur? www.myperfectvilla.com
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